The Randomness of Me

Pay No Attention to the Number of Days Since I Last Blogged...

2011-10-25T09:28:00.000-04:00

(That was totally said in the Wizard of Oz voice.)

Y'all there has been so much that has happened since I last blogged there is absolutely no way I could even BEGIN to write it all out...and what bothers me is that a lot of what has happened has been huge stuff...like life changing stuff. Massive stuff. I just don't know where to start. I think I will just do a bullet point list.

1. I moved back to East Tennessee. Something I swore would NEVER happen. I always said God would have to really shout it out that I'm supposed to be back over here. I just didn't want to do it. I love my life in Franklin and all my friends. I love my church and all my choir peeps. I love all my kids and all my babysitting. I love being able to go out and never know which celebrity you will see. I love my favorite restaurants and cute shops. I just love my life there. All that to say, I'm really missing it now that I'm back over here. There are so many differences that it's going to take another post to be able to share it all. Don't get me wrong, there are some good qualities about being back over here, but I HAVE to focus on them at times.

2. The reason I moved back to East Tennessee is go back to school. I am going to Cleveland State Community College in Cleveland Tn. Right now I'm just doing prep courses for the Nursing Program. I finally, after years and years of wondering, know what I want to do...what I feel like God wants me to do. I am going to school to be a NICU nurse. NICU means, NeoNatal Intensive Care Unit. I want to work with the little babies...the ones that are in there for a long time usually. I originally thought about being a Labor and Delivery Nurse but part of what I love to do the most in the world is build relationships with people. Help them, in some way if at all possible. Unfortunately when a child is in NICU they are there for quite some time. I feel like I will be able to minister to the family of the child as much, if not more, than I would be the child. It's still early in the game and I'm not even in the nursing program yet, but I just really believe that this is where and what God wants me to do. I keep holding on to the promise from Jeremiah 29:11 and the realization that He never said we would like the WAY the plans He has for us come about.

3. Throughout this whole time I've been faced with a lot of time for reflection. Looking at who I am...who people see me as...how I see people around me. It's been good, I think. As I've said before, I'm having to focus on the positive things but in a time of reflection, you often find yourself discovering things about yourself that aren't all that positive. Now I'm faced with the decision of what to do about the things I'm learning. I guess you could say I'm doing a lot of processing. I have told several people that I really believe that this whole journey and season of my life is not so much about me going to school and becoming a nurse. I think it has more to do with my relationship with God and dealing with some things that I have put off dealing with in the past. That said, I'm not exactly jumping up and down about the idea of dealing with my junk. Who is ever really excited about it?! I know it's a good thing and something that needs to be done but I also know it's not going to be easy or fun. My pastor said something when I was there a couple of weeks ago about how we need to decide which is worse, the pain of disappointment or the pain of discipline. There's a lot going on in that statement. Let me say it again...We need to decide which is worse, the pain of disappointment or the pain of discipline. This whole concept is one that I feel deserves it's own post, so I'm going to wait before going on about it. I don't want THIS post to become a encyclopedia.

So there's just a couple of things that have been going on...I mean, this barely skims the surface of all that's happened to me in the last 5 months. I'm hoping to be able to update my blog more and use it as a way to work through some of the stuff that I know is going to HAVE to be worked through.

So let's get going...

Just call me Maud Lin...

2010-09-10T08:34:00.003-04:00

Since I moved into my new apartment I've been in a mood. Not a bad mood, nor a great mood. Just a mood.

The best description of what I think I'm feeling is Maudlin. I looked it up online because I thought I knew what it meant but wanted to be sure. Here's the definition of Maudlin...

Maudlin–adjective
1. tearfully or weakly emotional; foolishly sentimental 2. foolishly or mawkishly sentimental because of drunkenness.

That's it exactly. Well, I may be foolishly sentimental but it's NOT because of drunkenness. I promise you that! But other than that, this definition is pretty spot on to what I'm feeling right now. The thing that bothers me about this is I don't think I should be feeling this way. I mean, things are good. I've got an apartment all to myself. I'm in a great area. I'm in an amazing church and choir. I've been blessed with amazing friends and family. I have a good job. So why am I maudlin?

I. Don't. Know. And it kills me!!

I've decided that not knowing what kind of mood you're in will put you in an even worse mood. It's like, "Yes, I'm in a bad mood, but I don't know why and that makes it even worse!" I'm the kind of person who need to know things. Not so much in a nosey sense of needing to know but in a needing to know so I can plan kind of way.

I've learned something about myself in the last year or so...I don't like to be caught off guard or unprepared. I need to know so I can make sure everything is under control. So when I'm in a funk or feeling low with no real reason, I go even deeper in that funk because I don't know why. I get upset with myself for acting like my life is worse than it is. I mean, there there are people out there in way worse situations than me and yet I'm the one with the blue mood.

So here I am. Maudlin. I'm missing things and people. I'm missing my bff but yet, when I could go and spend time with her, I don't. What's up with that?! I miss playing the piano but I sold my keyboard. Huh? I miss my family but when I'm with them, I'm already thinking about getting out of there. What is that all about?

I think it's a sign of a deeper issue. A sign of me trying to find things to focus on instead of dealing with another issue. The REAL issue. Another side of maudlin is spending a lot of time thinking about stuff. A lot of time thinking about yourself. For me, that's not always good. This time, however, I think it is.

I'm in counseling to try and deal with some of this junk. I'm realizing that I'm at a point of where I need to get to the root of these issues and deal with them from there. I want to go on from this point with a better outlook and a foundation that is based on the right things and not the insecurities and issues that have affected me for as long as I can remember. I gotta be honest with you, I'm a little scared at the prospect of the changes that are coming. I have to keep forcing myself to remember several verses.

1. Deuteronomy 31:6 (The Message)

6 "Be strong. Take courage. Don't be intimidated. Don't give them a second thought because God, your God, is striding ahead of you. He's right there with you. He won't let you down; he won't leave you."

2. 1 Corinthians 10:13 (The Message)

13No test or temptation that comes your way is beyond the course of what others have had to face. All you need to remember is that God will never let you down; he'll never let you be pushed past your limit; he'll always be there to help you come through it.

3. Isaiah 46:4 (The Message)

3-4"Listen to me, family of Jacob,
everyone that's left of the family of Israel.
I've been carrying you on my back
from the day you were born,
And I'll keep on carrying you when you're old.
I'll be there, bearing you when you're old and gray.
I've done it and will keep on doing it,
carrying you on my back, saving you.

And there are countless others, but these are the ones that have stuck with me the most lately. I also have to keep reminding myself of the fact that it's a DAILY thing. Life is something that has to happen and be dealt with DAILY.

Luke 9:23 (New International Version)

23Then he said to them all: "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me.

And, finally, one more thing about this "daily life"...a reminder from Anne with an E..."Tomorrow is always fresh with no mistakes in it." I just need to remember that!

Weekend Recap...

2010-08-16T08:30:00.002-04:00

This isn't it. lol!

Sorry, that was kind of mean. I just wanted to say I'm going to be posting a recap of my weekend get away to Lexington, Ky for the LPL event. It was an awesome blessing of a weekend that completely happened all of the sudden. God blessed me so very much through the whole weekend!

I jokingly said, I'm sorry for all of the 10,999 other people who were there and Beth's message was all for me! Ha! It could not have been more meant for me and where I am at right now. I'm talking about, she was saying things that my counselor had said almost word for word!

I'm going to try and get all my notes down and in blog form later today or atleast later this week. I'm still trying to process a lot of it and what all God said to me through the weekend. I just can't get over how great a weekend it was and how unexpected it was, but so needed. Just another way God showed His Awesomeness!

Y'all have a great Monday!

Been a while...

2010-08-09T15:38:00.003-04:00

If y'all knew how many drafts I have started and never posted for various reasons, you would so laugh at me. I should really just shut this whole thing down and let it go...I mean, really. Pretty sad that my last post was in February and even though there have been things that are blog worthy, I just haven't done it. Oh well. I'm not going to say I'm going to get better...because when I don't, then I won't have fibbed! ;)

That being said, the reason I'm blogging today, is that I'm moving. AGAIN!! This is funny and blog worthy because it's the fourth time in a year. Yep, you read that right! FOUR TIMES in ONE YEAR!! Hold on...let me add up how many times in the eight years I've been in Nashville that I've moved.

Just counted and in Eight years I have moved seven times...SEVEN!! And four of them in the last year! Some kind of record!

The thing is, I've not been moving for jobs or anything like that. Most of the reasons I've moved have been because my roomies get married. I've literally had four roommates move out to get married. I like to joke and say, I'm going to offer my services for those who desperately want to get married. The ad would read something like this, "Want to get married? Let me live with you for 6months and it'll happen!" And the thing that stinks is, I can't move in with myself! I'm never going to get married!! Lol!

Every time I've moved there has been a little bit of drama involved. The time before last, I had to move by myself practically. Due to long standing family issues, my parents bailed on me the week I was moving and didn't come over. I did all of it I could by myself and only had 2 people come help with the big things. It was one of those deals where, if my parents had come, we could have finished the whole move in practically one day, but because they didn't, it took me three!

As I was moving my things into the new place by myself, my new roomie stopped me as I was carrying boxes in and said, "Girl, I had the best date of my life last night!" I just stopped and looked at her, immediately thought, "Here we go again...I'm not even going to bother unpacking this time!" That was sometime the last week of June and Autumn was married on Dec 12. Yep, six months later I was looking for another place to live.

As funny/sad as the whole thing sounds, each time I've moved, I've learned something. From the beginning when I moved out of my Aunt and Uncle's home into an older couples house, semi-on my own, to this move that I'm about to make into a place all on my own, God has taught me something. Whether it's been about me, my relationship with Him or about life in general, a lesson has been learned.

There have been some lessons that I would have rather NOT had to learn. Some that I can see now HAD to be learned. There have been roommates that have become lifelong friends and some that I can't remember the last time I saw them. Some roommates have been just that...roommates. Never really crossing into the friend category and for a people person like myself, that's kind of hard to admit.

It hasn't happened but once, maybe twice, that the girls I've roomed with haven't ended up becoming people I could hang out with, go to dinner with or watch TV with but I have to say, this last housing situation has shown me how ready I am for a place of my own.

There are no words to fully describe how excited I am about being on my own right now. I'm about to be 30 in November and for the first time in my life, I'm looking forward to having my own space and being by myself! One of my coworkers likes to joke that I'm FINALLY all grown up and a big kid now!

I'm not going to lie and say I completely okay with the idea of being all by myself, because I'm a people person and I know this. I think I've just come to realize that I need a place to be me. Somewhere that I don't have to be a certain "Nikki" for people. Whether its the sister/daughter/granddaughter or the co worker or the babysitter, I need a place to be the person that I never fully let myself be out in public. The person behind all the masks. Do I know this person? Not fully. I'm in a place of learning who that "Nikki" is and it's not easy to stop being who I'm "supposed" to be. One thing I've learned through all of the moves is, you can't live your life according to everyone's expectations of you. It's too hard. I know, I've spent my WHOLE life doing it and now I'm in counseling for it! I've spent so many years being who "they" needed/expected me to be, that I forgot the most important person. GOD.

In all my years of living for everyone else, I can honestly say, God's expectations were not always at the top of the list. Oh, I would go through periods where I would say that He was the only one I was trying to live for, but deep down, I knew that I was still trying to be the girl that the family or the church expected me to be. It's like I've lived my life just playing a part.

I'm still learning who I am behind all the different masks that I've been wearing. Some of them are practically glued on with the toughest type of glue but with God's help, and some awesome people, I'm determined to crack those masks off!

A Song for thought...

2010-02-16T23:55:00.005-05:00

Music has always been a form of communication for me. In a previous post, I mentioned how I have certain styles of music for certain times in my life. I have also learned how to read music, even shaped notes (Google them to see what I mean) and how to play music. One thing that has always been sure thing is that I always learn something when I hear music. I can learn a new song. I can learn a new style. I can learn that I don’t like that song or singer. I can learn about an idea that had never entered my mind before. I can learn something about myself that, because of the song, I now know. I mean, honestly, if you think about it, the first way we ALL learn a few things is through song. Hellooo…ABCs?! Or Clean up! Clean up, everybody! Or the books of the Bible. I even had a teacher that taught us the US Presidents thru a song. And wasn’t there a tv show that the whole premise was on learning through song? A little program called School House Rock…

In the Bible we have so many accounts of people using Music for worship or for expressing their emotion. The Psalms are nothing but music! In Deuteronomy 31 the Lord tells Moses that his time on earth is almost up and to bring Joshua to a commissioning service. It was a time for just the three of them to talk about all that was about to change for the people of Israel. He tells them that the Israelites would forsake their covenant with Him and God would turn His face from them. He told them how they would question whether or not God was with them. God specifically wanted Joshua to learn a song of how God promised to fulfill the oath he had made them and to deliver them to the Promised Land. In verse 19 it says “Now write down for yourselves this song and teach it to the Israelites and have them sing it, so that it may be a witness for me against them.” God knew they would rebel. He knew that they would blame him for not being there. He knew that, by teaching them a song that recounts His forewarning of what would come, they would be forced to realize his faithfulness and how he did do what he promised, he brought them to the land flowing with milk and honey. But the point I want to focus on is that He knew that teaching them all that in a song was the best way to guarantee that it would survive each generation. I love that God, being the awesome God he is, used a song to teach the children of Israel!

We all have songs that we’ve known for so long we don’t even remember learning. It’s like we were born with that song in our head. Unfortunately, we all have also had the awful “joy” of having an annoying song STUCK in our head for days…it just keeps playing over and over and over until one of two things happen: 1. You end up loving the song. 2. It causes a physical reaction to take place whenever you hear it. I’ve got several of both but the one that jumps to mind right off the bat is Phil Collins’, I Can Feel It… Oh My STARS! I can NOT stand that song! It just gets on my nerves! Seriously!

Lately I’ve been listening to Christian radio…it’s been a long time since I did that. I have to admit that, while I love Christian music, Christian radio can sometimes get on my nerves. I’ve already proven that I’m an eclectic sort of girl when it comes to music so when a radio station plays the same 10-15 songs over and over again, I get a lil frustrated! Thank the Lord for cds! And Ipods! However in my listening recently, I’ve heard some pretty awesome songs. Songs that make me stop and listen and wish that I could rewind it to hear it from the beginning. Whenever that does happen, I will send a text to my email so that I can look the song up when I get home. I’ve tried to hope to remember that song and the title but more often than not, I didn’t. One of the songs that has been on the radio a lot lately and all up in my bidness, is Addison Road’s, What Do I Know of Holy? GeezLouise, that song is amazing! Totally makes me stop and listen every time I hear it! It has such a true and honest message in it. I don’t know if it’s a song that everyone knows and I’m just now getting to the party or not, but I’m putting it on here because it’s amazing and I think everyone should know about it. I’d love to know what anyone thinks about the song…I’m always up to hear people’s opinions and what the song makes you think/feel.

Love,
Nikki

PS Mkay, so I'm having technical difficulties tonight/morning and can't get the silly video to post from YouTube...so I just added the link to click on...sorry!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EAg_YWsX6Dg&feature=related#watch-main-area

So Long, Farewell, Auf Wiedersehen, Adieu to you Insecurity...

2010-02-11T23:38:00.011-05:00

Today was the book signing for Beth Moore's book, So long, Insecurity. I took the day off from work to be able to go and meet with friends and see Beth. Totally worth it!

The first stop was Lifeway...the same store I used to work for and still go there all the time...Because Mike, the manager of the store, let me come in early and not have to wait in the cold, I told him I would do whatever he needed...I mean, I had the day off so I could stay and help around the store if he needed me. I could direct traffic, help the customers, answer the phones...heck, I could even imprint Bibles if he needed me to! I was just happy to be there. After standing in line for a while and visiting with my new friends, it was time for Beth to come out. We're sitting there watching her doing an interview and I notice Mike is trying to get my attention...he needs me to make a coffee run...for Beth and Michelle, her awesome Assistant!! Um, can you say excited?! Cause that's what I was! I have always wanted to be able to spend some time with Beth while we had the obligatory Starbucks so I was more than happy to do it! Course, we didn't SIT together and drink our coffee and there was a very good chance she probably would not ever know that it was me that got it, but I would know! I told my new friends that I had an errand to run that wouldn't take long and to not leave before I got back...we had to take a picture! They looked at me like I had lost my flippin' mind! Here I was, running out of line after spending a couple of hours waiting...insane! But it was worth to be able to serve Beth in a very small way. I knew that she probably didn't get very much sleep last night and, if it were me, would be living on coffee today! So out I went, flying to Starbucks! Got back and didn't spill a drop! I was soo scared I would get back, walk in the door and drop all of them! While I was sitting at a Red light I decided to write a 'lil note on the cups. I didn't know which of the drinks were for Beth and which was for Michelle, so I wrote "You Rock! -<3 Nikki Poppins" on both of them. I wasn't going to say anything because I didn't want to make a big deal of it, but Michelle saw the You Rock part first and loved it! I passed Beth in the back room at Lifeway and was going to head on out but stopped to say hi to Michelle. She is soo nice and too cute for words! We had a lil chat and Beth was meeting some people from Lifeway head quarters, so I decided to slide back out into line. As I was walking out the door, Beth comes and gets her drink from Michelle and sees my note. I didn't see her look at but all of the sudden I hear, "NIKKI!!!! Did you get my coffee?!?!" I turn around and grinned! I said yes and she came over and gave me a hug! We talked for a second about my blog name and she asked if I saw where she gave me a shout out on her blog. I told her I did and she asked if I had responded because she hadn't been able to check and didn't know. I said I did. She thanked me for getting her coffee and then she had to go meet some more corporate people. I turn around and Mike is standing there laughing at me because of the whole NikkiPoppins thing and that Beth called me out...I just smiled real big and kept on going! I was soo excited that that moment had happened! I was able to do something for the woman who has touched my life in such a huge way and taught me so much about the Bible and God. I love to be able to bless someone with a surprise cup of coffee or a Gigi's Cupcake or something else they may like...just because. God has blessed me with so many wonderful friends and mentors in my life and little treats like that are my way of saying Thank You and I'm so grateful to have you in my life. It's not much and nowhere near what I'd love to be able to do but I hope that it's something that maybe will make their day easier. So being able to get Beth her coffee was the biggest blessing to ME...I loved every minute of the running around!!

I was so glad to get back in line with my new friends...they were so gracious and let me step back in with them! All of them were worried that I wouldn't make it back in time...such precious ladies! After we all went through the line and stood on the other side of the table, we just huddled back up and kept right on talking. So great! We decided to pass out contact info and stay in touch. We're going to read the book and then meet back up in a month to talk about it. How awesome is that?! I told a friend of mine last night that I love coming to things like this because, as awesome and exciting it was to see Beth, I love the chance to get to meet new friends. You never know who you're going to meet in a book signing line...it could be a friend that you pour into each other for just that time or it could be someone that is going to be a vital part of the rest of your life! You seriously just never know! That is honestly one of my favorite parts!

After the book signing in Lifeway, Beth and Michelle were heading to Borders downtown. I went down there and met up with Abby and Kate.

It was a completely different scenario down there. Not as crowded, chairs for us and a lectern for her, and waay laid back! It was so great! We got in line and slowly worked our way up to Beth...she was able to spend more time with each person and actually chat with them. You could tell how much she loved it! She was so excited about the whole thing! When I got up there, I got another book signed and had it signed for my mom. A surprise that I hope she will like! I stood back and took pics of Abby and Kate since I had already seen and had my picture made with Beth. They were soo cute talking with her...Kate had a phone call while she was standing there talking to Beth. She totally answered it saying, Hello? Um I'm talking to Beth Moore right now...I'm going to call you back." And then hung up! How funny is that?! Beth positively cracked up!! So great!

Abby had a t-shirt for Beth that said Siesta Forever on it...so perfect! Beth loved it and Abby immediately told her that she didn't think Beth was an XL but the shirts just run reaally small, and asked that Beth not think she(Abby) thought Beth was big or anything. Everyone cracked up about that and Michelle held the shirt up and was like, there is nothing in this shirt that makes me think it would be an XL. It was soo funny!

After Beth was able to meet everyone in line and sign a few extra books for the store, she hopped up on the table and had a Q&A time with us all...with the chairs there, she kept saying she felt like she was in class and needed to tell us to turn our Bibles to Matt or Luke or something. Of course the room immediately said, go ahead...we will definitely listen! Lol! The Q&A time was so nice because the questions ranged from Movies and Mascara to the difference between "The Lord's Day & Sabbath" and why she is so passionate about insecurity in women. We laughed and I know there were some tears...in a way that is only Beth Moore, she ended the discussion by praying over us.

Beth Moore is amazing and I want to be her when I grow up! I'm anxious to get started in the book because like every other woman in the world, I have got my own insecurities. Those realized and those I'm not even really aware of. I have to say that I'm excited and slightly scared all at the same time...an insecurity if you will. I'm excited to learn about insecurity and what God says about them but scared too because there's the whold, having/trying to deal with what you learn thing that scares me. It's something that I've sort of been discovering about myself in the last year. And it's something that needs to be dealt with. So here I go...

This was such a great day...I was able to go, grab coffee and doughnuts for my friends/former coworkers at Lifeway, meet some super sweet new friends in the waiting line, and see Beth. All in one day, and I soo wore the wrong shoes for it, but totally worth it! Oh and one final note...Beth likes my tattoo! ;)

Random thought on a chilly Saturday...

2010-02-06T16:24:00.003-05:00

I'm keeping my three little cousins this weekend...

Ridge is 3

Banks is 8

Sally is almost 6

I was telling one of my friends about how I was turning into a single mom with Three kids for the weekend and she said that it was good birth control! She said that she would probably never want kids after a weekend like this. Well, I still want kids but I would like to go on record as saying, I am soo glad that they don't come out these ages. I am not sure how I would feel if we were to have a child and they came out as 8 or 6 instead of newborn! These ages, especially 8, wear me out faster than anything else... This is the age of smarty pants, sassy britches and know it all sighs. And nothing makes me want to smack 'em faster. This weekend we've dealt with getting in trouble for being disrespectful at school, falling down the stairs and bashing our ear against the stair gate, potty training, and birthday parties. Actually we still have one more party to go before we're all done for the weekend. Banks has one this evening and then is being picked up from the party by his granddad and mimi. Sally, Ridge and I are going to come back and crash...they are going with me to church tomorrow. I'm looking forward to taking them with me. I love going and doing things with kids. Even normal mundane thingss become fun when you have a kid with you. Yesterday, Ridge and I went and ate lunch at Jason's and even though he's only 3 and not very talkative, we had a great lunch. I've found that he tends to be more talkative when it's just him and me. It was a sweet little visit with him.

So anyways, I just wanted to drop in and say that I'm very glad that the good Lord blesses us with children as newborns instead of toddlers and elementary age kids!

A Ginormous Recap...

2010-01-12T17:52:00.001-05:00

Wow…it’s been a while. I’m not really even going to try and recap all that’s been going on. It’s been a long time since I wrote. I can’t even tell you how many times I’ve pulled up a new doc to start a new post and then got distracted at work or wherever. For some reason I just can’t write when I’m at home…I’m actually at Panera. Oh, how I love Panera! Their free Wifi and Toffee Nut cookies are the best ever!

I think one of the last things I wrote was about the car wreck and all the drama that that entails…and that was in January! Already a year! Craziness! God has brought me so far this year…in soo many areas. It’s been an emotional, hard, difficult, awesome, mind blowing, scary and so exciting year. A journey. God has been wooing me for several years and I’ve sort of just ignored His call. I have been shown through so many things that God loves me, He is a faithful God, He is not going to force me to do anything, He is a funny God, He wants to be the most important person in my life, He wants to be my everything. I have come to a point of where I can honestly say, I’m scared of completely letting go and giving Him control but at the same time, I’m so excited to see what’s going to come from it. I have come too far to turn back now. It’s been a long road and a hard road to get to this point. I have learned things about myself that I didn’t know were there, things that I would have never thought could have applied to me. In the learning of these traits or issues, I have finally allowed myself to become vulnerable and try to work through them. Things like, a strong need to be in control…aka a control freak! Now, in my mind a control freak was someone who was neat and organized, had lists and sort of OCD. That is most definitely not me! I am nowhere neat, and the organization in my life can only be defined as organized chaos! I make lists, only to forget them at home! For me, being a control freak is more a need to know what’s going to happen. I need to be in control because I can work on it, know what I’m working toward and have it done the way I want. In this year, God has been showing me that I can’t have it both ways…I can’t sit and pray for Him to show me His will and claim that He is Lord of my life, and then not let go of the reins. It’s like I was sitting there with the remote control, saying, “God, you pick what we watch…but I’m going to keep the remote.” That’s not really letting Him pick…I still have the control to decide whether or not I stop on the channel He decides. That is not surrender. That is not letting go and letting God. And yet that is what I have claimed to have done in my past, and what He desires most from us. I have always, sort of taken comfort in Ps 37:4. “Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart.” Well, first of all, I always sort of blew right past that first part…the whole delighting in the Lord part…It’s only been in the last couple of years that I really even noticed that part. And it’s key!! So I started trying to make some changes in my life…changes in my priorities. All good changes, but to be honest, the only reason I was doing them was to get what I wanted…to get the desires of my heart. Now, how is that letting go? Is that true delight? I’m thinking not. While the changes I was making were technically good changes, the motivation behind my making those changes were not. I was still working according to my own plan. My own desires. I went on and sort of just said, well, I’ve made the changes. I’ve started reading my bible and going to church more. I’ve been praying for my husband, praying that I would wait for His time and His plan. But, and that’s a big but, I didn’t do it for the right reason, and so I started to feel like I wasn’t getting through to Him, like He wasn’t listening and so I felt let down. Was I mad at God? No, I really don’t think so, I sort of had the mentality of, now, this doesn’t make any sense…I am trying to do what you have commanded us to do, and not live in sin, but all these other people who are dwelling in sin are getting what I want. They are getting married and having kids and they don’t care about whether or not they are living according to your word! I was more disappointed and feeling let down than angry.
So God had sort of been dropping hints, boulder sized one, all year long about this thing…about my true motivation, my surrendering to His will and letting go of the control. I mean, I was getting it from everyone and every possible situation. Every sermon, even at different churches, every song and every book/devotional would talk about how God wants nothing more than to have us completely surrender and wanting to be in complete control of our lives! Hellurr…I mean, I was starting to expect it! All these hints started to make me look deep into my heart and soul. I started breaking down everything that I have believed and lived my life according to…from going to church, to the meaning of Worship. Here did these beliefs come from? From my parents? The church? God? It’s a little disconcerting to go through this time after being raised in church, because one of the first things you have to overcome is your pride. I didn’t realize that Pride was such an issue for me but God showed me, in several painful and even hysterically funny ways that it is. I had to overcome the fact that everyone expected me to have already sort of mastered this thing called the Christian Walk. I felt like I couldn’t really say that I was questioning things about my life and God. Not that I doubted my salvation but that I was making it my own. I firmly believe that that is something that everyone has to do. When we try to live our lives based on our parents and family’s beliefs, we are doing nothing more than playing a part. We act according to the role we were born into. I never really did any research about God, Christianity and faith. I just took what my parents raised me to do and how they were doing it, and copied after them. So I learned the part of a good little Christian girl…and I learned it well. Now, I’m at the wonderful age of 29 and I’m being called to admit that I don’t have it. I don’t read my bible every day. I don’t pray every day. I hadn’t surrendered all. But I could sing that song better than anyone…I even know the page number it’s on. (Page 275 in the Baptist Hymnal, the 1991 edition, if you were wondering.) I could sing it, all the verses and yet it was empty. I no more meant those words than when I sing I Was Born a Coal Miner’s Daughter or something like that…cause we all know I was not born to a coal miner. But I could sing those words. That doesn’t make it true though, does it? That’s what I was being made to realize. I’ve also found out by talking with my family and friends that it’s something that everyone struggles with. And no one told me this because?!?!? Not saying that knowing that others have been through this season would have made a huge hill of beans difference, it could have. I know that it wouldn’t have been something I felt I had to hide or be ashamed about. Knowing that you are not the first going through this makes it easier to bear for some reason. Maybe it’s just because the others are a tangible sign that you can make it through this time. Or that there are people who can give advice. I know one of the biggest things that bothered me when I was initially going through this time, was the fact that some people didn’t want to talk about their faith. I didn’t doubt their faith or salvation but I was like, hellurr, we’re supposed to share our faith with others and if you can’t share it with someone who’s not going to attack you over it, than who can you share it with? Or how will you be able to? I seriously was asking everyone, why do you think we do… or why is this the way you do it… did your parents raise you in that way… did you ever even question any of their/your actions… The list of questions went on and on. I could tell that I was upsetting some people, especially some of my family. They thought I was trying to attack or rebel or something, I don’t know. I knew that I wasn’t but expressing my opinion or thoughts is not always easy for me when I’m talking with them. It’s totally true what they say about the hardest relationships in our lives will be those with our family. I’m going to have to do a whole other post on that subject…believe me, it’s a doozy!
So I’m going to wrap this one up because I need to get to my eye doctors and figure out how much worse my eyesight is! Yay for getting older! I will do my best to wait as long for the next post. There are so many different ideas and thoughts running about in my head that I have got to get them out…God’s been showing and teaching me so much, I could write for days!
Thanks for reading...

A random post about Music...

2009-11-21T22:40:00.001-05:00

I love music.

I love lots of different kinds of music. *Notice I did not say ALL kinds of music. I really have a hard time with Rap(although I will bust out a little DC Talk every now and again.) and I really can’t do a lot of that New Age instrumental stuff…

I love the way we have certain kinds of music that we “need” when we are in a certain mood. Being goofy with friends requires Soundtracks…preferably old school Disney, i.e. Little Mermaid, Aladdin, Beauty and the Beast, Mary Poppins (A must!), Sound of Music(Duh), Annie, and the list goes on and on…
If I’m in a “get it done” mood, I need Kelly Clarkson, Reba, Big Band, Standards i.e. Bing Crosby, Rosemary Clooney, Frank Sinatra, Sarah Vaughan, Doris Day, Julie London, etc. There are some soundtracks that I need for this time too… Hairspray, Mamma Mia!, Princess Diaries 2…

If I’m in a “get my praise on” mood, I absolutely MUST have Brooklyn Tabernacle Choir…nothing gets me into a praise time faster that havin’ church with the BTC. I mean, when you have them singing “How Great Thou Art”, or “Days of Elijah”, or “I Bowed On My Knees and Cried Holy” or “Thou, O Lord”, it’s almost impossible to not have church. I also need CeCe, Travis Cottrell and the Living Proof team, and my home church, Fairview Baptist Tabernacle, has recorded 2 cds that are amazing! Partly because I know everyone on there, and also because they really rock!

If I’m in a “need to ponder the great things of life” mood, I like to have Fernando Ortega, Chris Rice, Norah Jones, Josh Groban…and, believe it or not I have some soundtracks for this mood as well! ;) Love the Notebook because it bounces back and forth between slow and jazzy and happy and swinging…good for the constantly changing moods that come when you ponder the great things of life.

If I’m in a “want to feel like a kid in church again” mood, there is only one kind of music that will do. Hymns…I LOVE hymns! I think I probably have more hymn compilation cds than any other type of music. I have instrumental hymns, I have classic hymns, I have modern hymns, and a host of countless other varieties…I’m not sure if I could pick my favorite style…there are some times when only the good old classic style will do. And not just the typical hymns either. You know the ones I’m talking about…Amazing Grace, How Great Thou Art, Just As I Am, Tis So Sweet to Trust in Jesus, Sweet Hour of Prayer, and the list goes on. No, my favorites are ones that most people haven’t heard of, or if they have they are typically a little older than me! ;) Hymns like Day by Day(Not the one from Godspell), Wonderful, the Matchless Grace of Jesus, Breathe On Me, Be Still My Soul, He Keeps Me Singing, Heavenly Sunlight, Heaven Came Down, Lead Me to Calvary, and I seriously could go on and on…there are soo many songs that have changed my life in different ways. Songs that when I hear them, I am instantly transported to a specific time and place or a person comes to mind because it could have been their favorite hymn. There are some songs that I smile soo big when I sing them because I remember singing them with my sister or family…while we would never mock the hymn or the powerful words that we’re singing about, we would sing it in a certain style or change up the rhythm or something…just for fun, and it was all because we loved the song. For instance, whenever I sing He Keeps Me Singing, and my sister isn’t there, I have to keep myself from adding the words “in my heart” after “Fills my every longing” or saying Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, really fast instead of the way it’s written. And just now, I think I know where we got that…my Great Grandfather on my Mom’s side was a Nazarene Preacher and he also sang. My whole family grew up singing and I’m pretty sure I can remember at some family gathering, we started a family hymn sing…someone must have changed up the chorus of He Keeps Me Singing. It’s fun and when you think about the words you’re singing…There’s within my heart a melody, Jesus whispers sweet and low, Fear not I am with thee, Keeps me singing as I go…it totally fits to have a great big smile on your face as you sing it!

A lot of the time people associate hymns with old school, old church, behind the times and the elderly…and it really ticks me off! I mean, seriously, why in the world do we feel the need to try and hide the fact that we like hymns? Or that we even enjoy singing them? When I say that I love hymns I tend to get a look like, really? Eww, I mean, they are soo old or boring…but the truth of the matter is, most people today don’t want to think when they sing…I’ve heard some people say that they don’t understand half the words used in the old hymns, like in A Mighty Fortress when it says a Bulwark never failing…who knows what a Bulwark is? No one? Okay then, let’s not sing it. *sigh* I did not intend for this to turn out into this sort of post, but I just get really upset when people try to belittle the hymns and all the great melodies and words that are in them. To me it’s a sign of disrespect and judgmental to act like your music is better and holier than the old hymns. Now, hear me…I’m not saying that everyone is this way, or that everyone has to love hymns. But I do think that it shouldn’t be something that turns your nose up or makes you shut down when you hear it start up. Nor do I think it should be any different for those who don’t like the modern day hymns or the praise and worship that is in a lot of churches today. I just think that a lot of importance is misplaced and I wish it wasn’t so. If there is something I can do to keep the future generations from forgetting about the hymns then I will do it…I will play the baby hymn cd in the nursery of my child, I will buy the VeggieTales and let my kids learn the hymns through Bob and Larry singing to them in the car and I will teach my kids how to learn to read musical parts from the good old hymnal.

Sometimes music becomes something that distracts us. Sometimes it becomes something that will uplift us. Sometimes music becomes the avenue in which God speaks to us. Sometimes He will use a song that we have heard all of our life and this time, we will hear something that we have never heard before and it will totally change our life. Music can play such a big role in our life. It’s up to us if we let it be a positive one or a negative one.

"Maturity"...

2009-03-12T00:39:00.005-04:00

I always get the most inspiration and drive to write a blog late at night...what is that about?!

I mean seriously, there are sooo many hours during the day when I could be doing this but I don't. Yes, I have been a night owl for the whole of my 28yrs on this planet. I can't really help it though...it's inherited. Honest!

My mom and her sister, well actually almost all the women on my mother's side of the family are night owls. Now that's not to say that we don't like our time all comfy and cozy in the bed...we do...we just like to be after midnight.

I love having days where I don't have to get up. Not having to be anywhere by such and such time. A day where I don't have to set the alarm or worry about hitting the ground running...though that only happens because I tend to sleep a little longer than I should on days that I DO have to be somewhere at a certain time. Namely work!

I have started to notice a change in behaviour in the last few years though...and it saddens me and makes me feel old!

A couple of years ago, I had to get up on a day sleep-in day to go to the bathroom! My BLADDER woke me up and I had to get up!! Now, this may not seem like a big deal to anyone else but I have always considered having your bladder wake you up in the morning as a sign of your *cough* "maturity" *cough* and I did not, and still don't, really consider myself that "mature"...well you know what I mean...I just can't say it plain and remain in the good graces of all of my more "mature" friends!

So that was one example...another is something that just came to me lately...I can't sleep as long as I used to because it hurts my back...I can not believe I just typed that!! Sad day! And it truly
is a sad day because I feel that the days of my sleeping forever and ever are gone...all due to my back! Boo! I used to love staying up late and then sleeping til noon or occasionally later! Loved it!!

But alas, those days are more in my past than in my present and future. I will get over it soon enough, Im sure.

Anyways... here I am typing a blog when I should sooo be sleeping! I have to get up in 5 and half hours to be at work at 6:45 and its 11:55!! As I have now just spent a crazy amount of time writing about something completely different than what I originally intended to, I am going to sign off for now and try to come back tomorrow and post what I wanted to tonight. Don't worry, I haven't hit the "maturity" level of not being able to remember what I was going to say...well, most of the time, but this is something that Ive been meaning to write for a while and just have not had the time to sit and do.

Tomorrow that time should come!
G'night all! Or G'morning depending on how you look at it!! Lol!

Can a car wreck be a blessing?

2009-01-16T00:10:00.002-05:00

I mean, can having a wreck actually make someone’s life better? I don’t know if I’ve ever really stopped and thought about it before. Most people probably don’t think along those lines when it comes to accidents. When people hear the word wreck, it’s never good. Okay, well maybe in a sentence something like, at least you didn’t have a wreck…but more often than not, the word is not equated with good times. However, in the last week and a half, I have been trying to NOT be happy about my wreck. How weird does that sound?!

Let me see if I can explain…

Last Monday, I was in an accident that was not my fault but it totaled my car. I was not buckled (yes, I know), but I was not seriously hurt. I did hit my head on the steering wheel and the air bad did not deploy but all I walked away with was a very mild concussion. That, and a lovely goose egg on my forehead and a wonderful shiner that would make anyone jealous. I haven’t had any make up on since that day and knowing now just how much time it adds to my morning activities I have to ask myself is it worth the loss of sleep? YES! I feel soo weird without it! Other than the new but thankfully, temporary, additions to my face, I have no physical signs of a wreck. So that is the first reason I am happy about my wreck.

A well prepared person always has an emergency plan prepared and it’s even more important when you are a single woman living with a roommate. I have such a plan and now I know it works. Due to my parents and the majority of my family being at least 2.5 hours away from me, I have a very dear friend listed as my emergency contact. Cindy is the best kind of person you want around in a crisis. She gets things taken care of and handled without losing it, but isn’t un-emotional for the person she is there for. After the wreck I called my roomie, Abby, who I had just hung up with, and told her what had happened. She was coming down to go with me to the ER. Once she got there, I had her call Cindy because I was pretty shook up. I just didn’t want to call and freak her out and I knew Abby could call and tell her better than I could. Cindy came to the hospital and stayed with me for a while. She ended up calling the tow company and meeting him at the car. She came and met us at after that and stayed until I was going home. Cindy is the bestest! My emergency plan had worked, so that is another reason I am happy about my wreck.

After I had slept and rested for a couple of days, I started dealing with the issue of my car situation. I had just totaled my still being paid for car. I had just paid a $500 deductible to have my car fixed in December. While I hadn’t ever liked the car, this is not how I had imagined getting rid of it. I was planning on sticking it out to pay it off or at least get to a place where I was not owing more than the car was worth. Now that it was totaled my main focus/concern was how am I going to get another car? I am in no financial place to get another car! I was worried that the insurance wouldn’t give me enough to cover the loan balance left on the car and already trying to decide what I would do when that happened. Should I take a bit of the money and by an old, but reliable, car and work on paying the loan off? Should I take the whole amount and pay as much off as I could and hope that I could get them to refinance it at a lower rate? I just didn’t know. Nothing stresses me out or puts me in a bad mood faster than financial crap. And that is what money is, crap! Anyways…as I was saying. Until I heard from the insurance lady regarding the amount they were going to offer me for the car, I was stressing. The insurance people got me a rental for a few days but I also had 2 vehicles that people had offered to me for as long as I needed. How awesome is that?! I didn’t have to stress about being able to get around. My uncle had offered me his truck because he has a company car and a small driveway, so he was all about getting some space freed up. On Thursday the lady called and told me how much they were going to be offering and that morning I had opened a statement from the bank that showed the balance on the loan. After adding back in the deductible that the other people’s insurance would repay me, the amount would be 1.25 more than the balance. Praise the Lord! I just sat in the lobby at work and tears popped up in my eyes. He knew how stressed I was about that and He took care of it. So that meant that I wouldn’t have to carry over any leftover balance to a new loan or try to figure out what to do about finding a cheap but good car. God proved, yet again, that He will take care of me, that He is in control and that He will never leave or forsake me! And there you have another reason that I am happy about my wreck.

For the last few months I have been feeling like God has been telling me in many different ways that there needed to be some work done in several areas of my life, including my finances. I have a great job that pays really well and I should have more to show for it than some really great pictures of places I have traveled to. Don’t get me wrong! I wouldn’t change any of those trips but making the money I am and having no serious debt, I should be in a completely different place than I am now. I have been told that maybe the reason the Lord hasn’t brought Mr. Right into the picture yet is that He’s not finished with him yet. While that may be true, something I have not wanted to admit, let alone say aloud, is it’s more like the Lord is not finished with ME yet. Having spent the majority of my life dreaming of the day when I would meet the guy that would be my husband, it’s not a easy thing to digest that I could be not getting something that God wants me to get before He points out my intended. I just didn’t want to face that thought because what if it’s true? What am I supposed to “get” that I’m missing?! Having wanted to get married so much, my greatest fear is that I wouldn’t. That God has something else planned for me. And that thought scared me! I mean, what else could there be? To give up and say I’m okay with not getting married felt like I would be cutting off a part of myself.

I feel like I have been in the same spot spiritually and maybe maturity wise, for quite a while. Just treading water. I somewhat latched on to the whole “Be still and wait on the Lord” in an incomplete way. I had the waiting part down but was flying right past the Be Still part. In order to be still, I would have to stop and listen. I would have to quit trying to make something happen. It was like I was waiting on God to do His part without having done mine.

Another thing that has been brought to my attention in the last few weeks is that I am a control freak. I never would have classified myself as a control freak. I have been called bossy and told I think I have to comment or give my opinion on everything, but I still would not have said I was a control freak. Just to be clear, no one actually said I was a control freak. It’s something I realized on my own and I’m not taking it very well. I have always wanted to know what was going to happen. I don’t mean in like books and movies but in making plans or something like that. I like to be prepared. I have said that I have become a schedule person and it kind of freaks me out because I never saw myself as someone who would welcome a schedule but here I am. What I didn’t realize is that my need to know what was going to happen was also spilling over in to my relationship with the Lord. I was not willing to let go and give Him complete control without knowing what was going to happen. I don’t even really think it was because I thought He wouldn’t do the best for me, but that His plan may not match up with what I thought was the best or should happen. I don’t and never have doubted that God was in control and His ways/plans are the best for me, but what if His plan was different? I had planned and dreamed of a future as a Wife and Mother, but what if God wanted me to go be a Missionary? Or not get married? I just couldn’t let that go.

Through the last few weeks and possibly even months, I have just felt God saying you are not in control, I AM. That He was waiting to see if I would continue to just exist…or if I was going to turn it all over to Him and start living the life He has planned for me. I want to…I think I always have, but I didn’t know who I was without that hope/plan for the future. I also guess that I felt somewhat labeled as the girl who wants to get married. Everyone is watching and waiting to see who, when or even if, I will get married. I have so many dear, sweet friends who I know have prayed for me and for my future husband and I want them to all be a part of the day, if or whenever it comes.

Over the last months God has shown me that it’s time to drop my plans and just trust Him. I feel like I am supposed to go back to school to be a nurse, specifically a pediatric nurse. I love kids and I have a way with them and I also like helping people. There are a couple of options out there that really intrigue me and I am excited about that future. I realized that nursing is a job that I can do with a family or as a single woman and support myself financially. It’s going to take a while but that is okay. I know it’s something I want to do and I feel a peace about it.

I think I am finally getting it. I see what the Lord has been trying to say all along. You can continue on the path you are on and be somewhat happy and make it, or you can let go and I will take over and lead you to your perfect place. I started to type dream location, but I stopped because I was like, No, I don’t think want to go to MY dream location. I want to go to where He has picked out for me, known or unknown. It will definitely be better than I can ever imagine or dream up!

And so that is the best reason I am happy about my wreck…I finally get it! Now I just have to remember it!

The Latest

2008-11-12T09:22:00.002-05:00

Alright y'all...I'm back! I am actually typing this at work. It's been kinda slow here lately. I thought I would take advantage of the downtime and actually do an update.

The best news is that I have finally got my laptop back up and running!!! Yay!! It took forever! The night that my computer crashed (Sad Day) I went ahead and ordered a replacement. I think that that was around the first of Sept, end of Aug. Well it took stinkin' forever and I kept getting emails saying that they had pushed back the delivery day. Then I got an email saying that they had cancelled my order! I was ticked because they had sent me an email saying that it was going to be cancelled if I didn't respond to that email. Well, I would love to know how they expected me to be able to check my email everyday when the thing that I had ordered from them was a new hard drive. Meaning, my computer, and access to my email, was not working. So I called and they rushed it to me after I explained the whole situation. But it didn't come until the middle of Oct. and I had to install all of the systems that were on the last hard drive. It took a while.

The thing that I had mentioned as me starting something new is going really well. I have started a new weight-loss program and since I started on 8/29 I have lost 45lbs! I have just cut out all starch, as many carbs as possible, and calories. I also have kicked up my water and protein, along with vitamins and vitamin shots 2 times a week. I am feeling great and my clothes are not fitting all that great anymore. I decided not to tell anyone when I started because I wasn't sure what everyone's reaction would be. I would say something if someone asked but I wasn't going to advertise it. I have had a lot of great support and encouragement from coworkers, friends and family. I am in it for the long haul and I really feel that it's going to be a life change and not just a fad diet sort of thing. They not only help you lose weight they teach you to make the necessary changes to keep the weight off. I have not set a goal weight because I honestly have no idea what that specific number would look like on me, so I am just going to keep going until I'm at a place where I feel good and like how I look.

I am still having to work very hard at being regular at church. I have been doing great on Wednesday choir practice and better at Sunday morning...I've been going alot more than I have in the past year, but I'm still not up where I want to be. I am still having to work at not getting bummed out on a couple of things but I am listening to Christian cds and reading little devotionals at work. I have a bible and a couple of different ones.

I am going to sign off right now because as I said I am at work but I just wanted to let everyone know that I am alive and am planning on getting things caught up here.

Sad day....

2008-09-02T20:11:00.001-04:00

So my scare that happened last Monday night, actually came true on Sunday night. Yep, my hard drive went kaput! From what the oh-so-nice guys at Dell, (can you hear the sarcasm?) said, the pics are still on there but I can't get my computer to boot up! Soo frustrating!!

I am setting at the local library catching up on things...wishing for the day when my new hard drive comes!!

I may be in and out for a while!

I will try to keep ya'll posted!!

Love, Nikki

PS Please say a prayer for my sister and her husband...they are going through a rough time and have somewhat separated. I don't think that its a forever thing, but I am praying that the Lord's will will be done with them.

A Your Mama joke...

2008-08-30T17:07:00.003-04:00

No, Im not going to tell you one...I'm here to tell you that I AM one!!

Yep, you read that right! I am now a Your Mama joke.

How does one become a Your Mama joke you may be asking. Allow me to inform you.

First thing one must do is to be in a rush back to work after lunch.

-I was heading back to work. I had gone to the house to fix a quick lunch and then run right back to work. I also was going to stop and get some things for a couple of the girls at work. So I was planning on eating my lunch in the car.

Second thing you must do is place your food in the seat beside you in the worst place possible.

-As I said I was planning on eating it in the car, so I just sat it down on top of my purse. BAD IDEA!!!

Third thing you must do is take a turn a little too fast.

-I had backed up out of the parking space at my apt. and made the turn out of the spot. Due to the turn my food started to fall down in my purse. Eww!

Fourth thing you must do is look away from the road.

-I looked over and reached to get the food off of my purse. I grab it and look back up just in time to see a Blue Nissan Frontier 4X4 in front of me.

Fifth thing you must do is hit the only car in the parking lot.

-Once I looked up all I had time to do was watch it all happen. I saw the front end of my car go under the back bumper of the truck. I back up and look at the damage. Because the truck has a chrome bumper there was hardly any damage to the truck. My car on the other hand, looks like this....

Yep...according to my boss, who was an appraiser for 10 yrs, I did about 1200-1400 hundred dollars damage!!! Can you believe that?!?!?!

I feel like such an idiot! My first wreck ever and I hit a parked car!! A PARKED CAR!!! Oh and it gets better because the truck I hit was my next door neighbors car!!! The first time I meet her and I have to tell her I hit her truck!!!

So I get back to work and call my insurance and get that ball rolling. I have full coverage and everything but its still frustrating...plus I have to come up with 500 dollars for my deductible. So some prayers for extra babysitting would be greatly appreciated!

And that ladies and gentlemen are the steps you need to follow in order to become a Your Mama joke. Please don't all rush out and try this at once. And definitely don't say where you learned all this priceless information. Just say you heard it somewhere...

And I wasn't hurt. Just my pride a bit.

Love, Nikki

Something new...

2008-08-28T22:54:00.002-04:00

I started something new today.

Im afraid Im going to be mean and not tell you what it is but I wanted to put it out there as a form of a prayer request. I went to meet with someone today about starting a new thing in my life. I was, and still am, a little hesitant about it. Everything I had heard about it sounded great. I have bounced the idea off of a couple of dear people and they felt like it was something I should do. So I made the appointment to meet them.

All day long, I struggled with wondering if I was doing the right thing. So as I pulled up in the parking lot, I asked the Lord to let me know if this was something I should do or not do.

I go in and meet with the lady and as we are talking she asked me when I had started my current job, I told her and she asked what I had done before. I told her I had been a manager at the local Lifeway bookstore. She said, Oh I love that store! Have you read the Shack?

Well, immediately I felt a little jump in my heart because, having worked at Lifeway, I knew that that book has had some controversy around it. I told her no and that I had plans to. I also mentioned that it had been pretty controversial. She said she knew why and then specifically pointed out some people that would have a problem with it. She had been raised in the Church of Christ and knew that they wouldn't like the book. Because of how she was raised, she felt sure that most C.o.C members wouldnt like it.

Throughout this conversation I was starting to feel like okay, this lady sounds like a believer. Maybe that the Lord saying that its good.

I then here her say that she had been like minded until she did a bible study 11 years ago....My ears immediately perk up...she said that when she had done Beth Moore's A Woman's Heart, she found out about having a relationship with the Lord, not just rules.

Well, ladies, I took that as my sign. The woman knows Beth Moore. And I didn't even steer the conversation in that direction. Having just come back from hearing Beth in San Antonio, my first reaction to this was, and I quote, "Shut Up!!!" Lol!

She looks up at me kinda oddly and I tell her that I just got back from hearing Beth, etc! We get into a in depth conversation about a lot of things and totally lose track of why I was there in the beginning!

Needless to say, I feel like the Lord answered my request. Even with that answer, I still am feeling a little anxious about this new endeavor. I would welcome any and all prayers. I will keep you posted on this.

Hope you all have a great Friday!! Its a long weekend...have fun!!

Love,
Nikki

Sleepy...

2008-08-26T18:31:00.002-04:00

I am soo sleepy...

Since getting back from Texas I don't think that I have caught up on all my rest. I fully intended on going to bed early last night because, 1) I didn't have anything to do, 2) It was raining outside and we all know that you sleep better when its raining! and 3) I was exhausted!

But as you know, things don't always go according to plans! I got in the bed, started writing the post with all the pictures from Texas and just as I hit publish...my computer went black!

My heart stopped!!

I hit the power button to reboot and waited and prayed!

When it finally came up it said, Error: no readable hard drive found!!

I lost it!! I have sooo many stinkin' pictures of trips, people and things that I can't replace on here!! And some of other peoples!! I can't imagine if I lost all the stuff on it!!

So I started praying and calling every computer geek I know...and of course, they were all in meetings!!!

So I broke down for a minute and then called Dell. They were able to help me and got my computer started back up and Praise the Lord, I didn't lose any pictures!!

So after all that got resolved, it was like 10:30 and I was ready to crash! So I put it down and promised to update today. And here I am!! Still sleepy, its still raining and now the problem is, I can't go to bed early!! I have to babysit! Sad day!

I am excited to see my kids but I could really use an early night! I'm sure I will be fine with it after I spend time with them but Im at home now and wishing I could just crawl in the bed and sleep!! Alas I cannot! And the time has come for me to leave!

Gotta skitter!!

Ya'll......

2008-08-25T21:11:00.002-04:00

You are not going to believe this!!! I have been on the phone with Dell Support for almost an hour trying to figure out what happened to my computer!!! As soon as I uploaded that last post with all the pics from San Antonio my computer went black...Honestly when I saw it, I thought that my hard drive had crashed!! I didn't really expect for that San Antonio post to have made it!! I was able to get some one on the phone to help me and we got it back up!! Praise the Lord!!! I sat here and cried and cried because I have soooo many pictures on this lil' ol' laptop!! From London and Scotland, Prince Edward Island, tons of the kids I used to Nanny and all the pics from San Antonio...I was soo sure that I had lost them all!! I just started praying, Please Lord, No!!
And He totally answered!! I have everything!! I am still on the phone taking care of some final stuff with Dell!

All I have to say is Praise the Lord!!!

Ah-ha San Antone!!!

2008-08-25T19:02:00.006-04:00

I have been inspired to take up blogging again...I met so many wonderful ladies whose blogs I have read for a long time and they have kids and families and yet they still write in their blogs regularly!! And I, who have no kids, a fairly easy job, and alot of freetime, can't even right in mine more than once a month!! And so these women who lead crazy, happy, kid filled lives, have inspired me to try again! Here are some pictures from this past weekend...

Lindsee and Abby

Lindsee, Abby, and Me

Me and Patty

Georgia and me

Stephanie and me

Me and Kim

Lisa, Fran, Stephanie, Georgia, Ms Bev, Abby, Lindsee, Me and Jenny

After hangin out with all these ladies in San Antonio at the Siesta Fiesta, I feel like making a lot of changes...

Im going to attempt to write more...Whether its about my daily life, my time with all the kids I keep, my crazy road trips, or about the things that the Lord is teaching me....

I want to continue to learn to lean on Jesus more, to trust Him more...I want to continue to learn things about stories and scriptures that I have read my whole life and it feel like its the first time I have ever read them.

So here we are at the starting line again...Im ready to do this!!!

The latest and greatest....

2008-05-19T19:08:00.002-04:00

So its been a while...thought I would drop a little note in the ol' blog. Just a lil' somethin' to kinda keep it up to date.

First of all, the Job.
Its going great! I actually am enjoying insurance. Well I guess I should say that I'm not really doing insurance, I work for an insurance company but the only part that I do with insurance is look up claim numbers. But I am enjoying the work. Its not hard nor is it boring. Its not something I want to do for the rest of my life but its a good job for deciding what you want to do next. I am enjoying being unstressed. I don't care who you ask, any job in retail is stressful. Whether you are the lowly store associate or in a management position, its stressful!! It can wear a girl out dealing with the public!! And I'm a people person!! But this job isn't stressful! Not saying its easy but no where near the stress of retail. And for once I'm not constantly worried about finances. Am I set for life? No but not having to worry about every little penny is so nice!
The people that I am working with are nice. Its a different situation for me, not being in Christian environment. Yes alot of them do go to church but at the same time alot don't. I hear them talking about getting wasted and drinking away the weekends. Ive heard more swearing since I started this job than I have ever heard. But overall, I'm working with some great people. Making new friends and learning how to stand up for myself and what I believe.

The family.
Well for the most part I would have to say that things in the family are going pretty well. An unforeseen bonus of my job is that I am getting to email and chat with my sister almost daily. She and I have been passing emails and phoning more often since I got this job. Things aren't perfect but they never will be. I have finally just realized that I can't make our relationship work, or even make a relationship with someone who doesn't want one. So as sad as it sounds, by lowering my expectations of how things should be between my sister and I, things have actually improved. I don't expect that we will ever be the very best of friends. I hope for that but I am counting anything less than that a failure. So things are better there.

The Rest.
Well I am still struggling with bible study and church. I am doing better about going to Kairos and now that my church has added a Sunday evening service I am attending church more regularly. I still miss choir and hope to get back involved with it. I am still trying to find a good fit for bible study as well. I am enjoying listening to my girl Beth Moore online and reading the blog, and I have been catching up on a lot of extra reading as well. Both fiction and non-fiction. I hadn't realized how much Id been missing reading.

So there you have it. My life for the past few months in a few short paragraphs. Kinda sad really. Soo much has been going on and my life has been sooo busy you would think that I could write a whole book on all that's been going on. I guess to sum it all up, things are good and I'm happy. I'm praying and I have my girls praying about some decisions that I'm hoping to make soon. About the future and other things. I'm trying to take it day by day and trust in the Lord. For direction and a listening heart and mind.
I will update soon. Hopefully. :-)

Up and down on a windy day....

2008-04-10T22:52:00.002-04:00

My emotions have been up and down all day, like a leaf on the wild and crazy wind that's been blowing all day. I mean, there is actually a wind advisory until like midnight. As I am typing this there are branches hitting the side of my apt so hard that I would think the siding was coming off!! Apparently we are getting some really bad storms later tonight. Possible tornadoes and the like. I don't really think that we will but who knows... I had dinner with my friend Abby tonight and while we were setting there, a lady came in to talk to a couple who obviously knew her. She was crying from the moment she hit the door until she left. Abby and I both were like, we need to give her a hug and we didn't even know what her story was. She was just upset and hurting. Abby wanted to go by her a cookie but you never know how people will take things like that. We tried to carry on a conversation with out listening in but still its hard when you see some one crying to not look and wonder. It just kinda showed how you never know what some one is going through. One place of business can have soo many different stories going on in it with all the people there. A group of ladies meeting and having a great time, students studying with their books and laptops all over the tables, a couple of friends catching up on the latest, a counseling/accountability meeting, and the list could go on and on. Every person here on this planet has a different story, different drama that is going on in their lives. I often say that my life is such a soap opera. I have so many things, crazy things, going on in my life. With my job, my friends, my work and roommates. I sometimes feel like when people ask how things are I need to reply with do you want the quick recap or a play by play? Either way it's probably going to more than they want to know. But one thing that has been repeatedly shown to me lately, in many ways, is that God cares. And He wants the play by play, He already knows it, but He wants us to tell Him again. I have often thought that, like Shrek says, "Better out than in", telling what is going on in our lives, how we feel about things, can help us get through life. We tend to hold everything inside, unless its really great news and then we feel its okay to share with others, but the things that we need to share, need help with, we don't share. Why is that? We won't allow ourselves to think about it because it brings us down. We won't share with others because its private, possibly embarrassing and we don't want to bring them down or have them think bad of us. So what do we do? We push it down and act like it never happened. How healthy is that?! I am not trying to say that we should share every single up and down with every single person we know but I am saying that too often in today's society and more so in today's church, we won't allow our self to let go and share with others. Why? Because we fear the condemnation and judgment that the world is so quick to dish out. Even in the church, perhaps more so in the church. There is some sort of stigma in the mind of the church today, that says you have to be perfect or at least not admit to any problems. I have watched a video that Chonda Pierce recently put out and in it she talks about how in the church today we tend to brush over people's hurts. We just say, pray about it and then let go of it. Or let's sing another verse, give you a little more time to fix whatever it is, and then move on. There are issues going on in the world and church today that can not be fixed in another verse. There is some thing of a serious lack of compassion and mercy in the church today. Why else would a church member feel like it wasn't okay to share her/his problem with another Christian? We are constantly trying to fit the role that the world has of us. That we are perfect or that you have to be perfect to be a Christian? There is an old song, I can't even remember who sang it but it was called "Don't Hide the Scars" You never know what will come of sharing a trying time in your life with some one. What you went through and how you handled it could help someone going through the same thing. I am a firm believer in everything that comes your way is a learning experience. Once you learn a lesson, why would you not share what you learned with another? The Lord can use any situation. He may place a person in your life that is at the beginning of a situation that you just came out of. You could save that person a lot of pain by sharing what came of your situation. You never know.
Okay this is really long and I didn't mean for it to be. I have just really been thinking about this a lot lately. I am soo glad that God is big enough to handle all that goes on the world. He is a Hands on God, an On Time God and He cares! He wants to be apart of our lives. He wants the play by play. We just need to share it with him.

I can't believe it's been a month....

2008-03-26T21:50:00.003-04:00

I feel like I just started my new job at Travelers. Yet, here I am, over a month later! And I love the job. Its not too easy that I am bored but yet its not too hard that I feel frustrated and don't want to get up in the morning to go to work. Ive met a lot of really great people. They have helped me with my training and learning the ropes. I have been encouraged to look towards the future and make plans for advancing if I so choose. And I feel that the best part of it all is that I am getting closer to the Lord. Yes! In a place that is so decidedly not Christian, I find myself being drawn closer. I feel as if he is wooing me. I am able to listen to MY cds. Choir music and hymns. Music that most other people don't really appreciate. I am able to listen to my most favorite lady, Beth Moore. I actually have a small bible and notebook at my desk for when I listen to her online. I am loving being able to go back through all the archives of shows from where she is on LifeToday. I have turned my best friend on to it as well and she listens at her work. I will call her and she will be like, "did you hear what she said? I needed that!" I am loving it!!! I find my self dealing with a lot of issues that first, I didn't even realize were there, and secondly, starting to let go. Let go of some what I had planned for my life, learning to let go of the fear that I feel in letting go. I never realized that I was something of a control freak. But maybe I am. I know that there is still alot that I am going to have to work through but for the first time in my life, I am okay with that thought. I don't really have a lot of time right now, but I just had to share some of what has been going on in my life. I am soo blessed and I am just now finding out how much I have taken for granted.

Tomorrow, tomorrow, I love ya.....

2008-02-17T23:44:00.002-05:00

Thank goodness its only a day away!! I don't think I could stand it any longer. I am so ready for my first day to be over. Is that the best attitude? I don't know...its not that Im dreading it, its more along the lines of Im not sure what to expect. I have no clue how this is going to go. Ive never done a job like this and so I don't know if Im going to love it or hate, be awesome at it or totally stink it up. But I was reading in Sarah Young's book "Jesus Calling", for today, that we shouldn't reisist change. "When you cling to old ways and sameness, you resist My work within you. I want you to embrace all that I am doing in your life, finding your security in Me alone." How big is that? I mean do we ever stop and think about how when we reisist any changes that come our way, we are resisting what plan that God has for us? I certainly never have. I never stopped to think that I was messing with Gods plan when I would dig my heels into the ground, trying to not change my ways.
For the most part, I hate change. Unless its a big change. I know it doesn't make sense but its true. When I moved here 5 yrs ago, I loved starting a new life. I loved getting to meet new people and create a life for myself here. But a change that is more mental or only a little change physically, is a lot harder for me. I think its because so much of my life will stay the same. When you make a big move, everything will change. Just changing jobs or moving in the same town, only parts of your life will change. You will still see the same people, go to the same stores and churches, do most of the same things, where as a big move, you have to go find the people, the stores and church. That alone will keep you busy and moving for a good while, until one day you stop and realize, hey! I have a life here.
So one of my main goals in starting my new job tomorrow is that it will be a small change that will impact my life in a big way. I am determined to trust God in this. Not to set my own agenda for this job or any new relationships that come of it. I am seeing this change as a next step in my becoming a new creation in Christ. I don't want to allow my fear of change to resist what God is doing and going to do in my life.

Lord, please give me the strength to trust you, allow you to do what you know is best, and to see all the things you have planned for me. I love you, Lord! Amen

Whats that on the horizen? Oh its change. Again!

2008-02-03T21:51:00.000-05:00

Yep! Change has found me yet again. I put in my 2 weeks notice today. I have been the assistant manager at the Lifeway store in Franklin for a little over a year and today I resigned. Well, I have to say that I loved my job as manager but in all honesty, at my age, Im a little tired of retail. Even Christian retail. I love the customer interaction but really dislike the politics and pettiness of retail. And the hours. For the past year I have been working 2 jobs and having no life. When I took the job, I took a huge paycut as well. I tried to tell myself that it would be alright because I was getting benefits. But as a person who never gets sick, having insurance doesn't really help pay the bills. I know, I know! I have to have insurance, but its hard to believe that when you are having a hard time making it. So I have been praying asking the Lord for another job. I was kinda specific. I don't have a degree so I was kinda limited in what I could find. Or so I thought. I also hoped to find a job in my area of town. My part of town is a really expensive area. But I love it. I have been here since I moved 5 yrs ago. I have lived in several different areas and have always had roomates. So finding a job that would allow me to continue to live here and make it was important. One of my last days at my second job, local Hallmark store, my friend Danielle told me about her job and that they were hiring. She told me all the details and told me how to apply. I was like ok. I was a little bit in shock! God really likes to blow our socks off whenever he can, doesn't he? The job was 10,000 more a year than I was making, they didn't require any experience or a degree, and if there weren't some large tress in front of my apartment you could see the office building. And the hours are awesome!! I can have a life again!! And not HAVE to work 2 jobs!! Isn't God amazing?! It was everything I had said that I wanted. I start on the 18th. Im a little nervous because its something Ive never done before. But Im so looking forward to it. The hardest part of it all was going to be telling my current boss that I was leaving. Well I did that today. I think it went ok. We'll see when I get there in the morning and he's had more time to think about everything.
Overall Id have to say that Im tired. Its been a crazy CRAZY week. My boss was gone on a cruise, one of the keyholders was out with Strepp, power problems, leaks, wind storms and so many other things happened at work. Not to mention the job call on Tues and the official offer on Wednesday. Plus the latest episode of the show called, my crazy family, happend on Sat. (That is a story for another day!)
I am glad to start another week! I have Beth's Stepping Up in the morning with all my girls! Lunch with them as well!
And I still haven't written about my concert that I went to a couple of weeks ago! I got to see Reba and Kelly Clarkson!! Totally awesome!!
Okay, I need to go! I have tons to do and don't really have time to write about all thats happened lately! I will try to soon!!
Just hear this....God totally provides!!!

Hello again!!

2008-01-16T00:52:00.001-05:00

Well, I completely slacked off through the last quarter of 2007!! Let's just say it was a crazy time! I work retail and that may answer alot of it!! But I had a great holiday season. I got to spend time with family and friends. Listen and sing along to some of the best music ever written! Good ole Bing! And lots of other crazy things happened. I will write more on that at a later time!

But I just wanted to start 2008 off with some of my favorite pictures from last year!!

So hear you go!

This is my Whole family on my moms side. Her parents, siblings and children. Plus a few married ins!!

Below is my sister, Ryan and I. My aunt was taking pictures for a family calendar. We both have November bdays and so here we are!

This is my dad and I. We are alot alike and yet we can tick each other off faster than just about any one else in the world!!
This is my sister and her husband, My parents and me. Plus my Uncle "Santa"

These are all my cousins. I am the oldest of the seven. Well Eight counting my sisters husband. We always do a picture in order of age and then one according to height because we did it every year at my grandmothers, in front of the fireplace and our parents would compare to see how much we had changed in the last year. Obviously we couldn't all fit on the hearth of the fireplace now and anyways, Nanny and Nandaddy sold that house. Sad day!!Here are my sweet, adorable Grandparents!! Nanny and Nandaddy are my most favorite!! They have been married for almost 53 yrs and both are in there 70s yet they still go and do more than most people in their 50s. They have a motor home and he is in a quartet!! He sings Bass! Gotta love it!!

So there you have a few pictures of my holidays. I still have tons and tons more. I didn't even get into any from my work party!!

I will add some more later!!

Hope everyone has a great day!!

Trying something new...

2007-10-22T18:32:00.000-04:00

So this past week I kinda had a melt down. My dad and I are alot closer than my mom and me. I talk to my dad at least once a day if not more. And its not just me calling him. Half the time I call him its because I am returning one of his calls. My dad is all the time telling me to call my mother. Call your mother he says. Well, this past week he told me to call her and I snapped. I told him she never calls me, never. He says, I call him all the time and I just reminded him that he calls me just as much. He says that she doesn't call because she doesn't want to bother me. That she thinks I don't like her. That ticked me off even more. Lately I have been feeling like the depth of my love for my family is determined by how often I call or go home. How crazy is that?! I mean if I wanted to be childish and petty I could say the same thing. They never come and see me here in Nashville. I have lived here for 5 years and I could probably count on one hand how many times they have been over here. My grandparents have been here almost as many times as they have. But I haven't, up until now, said anything about that. When dad said that I lost it. I have repeatedly told my family and friends to call me anytime they want and if for some reason and I can't talk, I will call them back as soon as I can. Nanny calls me, friends call me, and cousins call me. Mom never does. So after I tell Dad all this, I called my best friend, who is a couple of years older than my parents, and tell her about my conversation with my dad. She then jumps on me. Goes off because she can agree with my mom. She says that MY generation feels like you have to "go and do" when you visit and that my parents, mom in particular, want to just set at the house and just talk. I told her that for me that feels like a bad thing. Growing up whenever we just sat at home, in the living room, we were always having a family meeting. Not to say that we didn't spend time together while I was growing up, but we never just sat in silence. She chastised me for quite some time. My whole lunch hour, in fact. At the end of the conversation she tells me to make a point of calling my mom everyday. She actually wanted me to put in on my calendar to call my mother everyday!! I just laughed. But I have to say that something she said totally stuck with me. So as I was driving back to work, I called mom and just said hey. We talked for like 3 mins but I think it made her feel good. I have since called her several times this week. I have made it a point to call her at least everyother day. Whether I am just saying hey or I have an actual reason, I call. It has been interesting. There have been several moments of awkwardness. But I am feeling better about the whole thing. During the tirade from my bff, I realized that part of the reason I was having such a hard time with all this with my mom, is that I am tired of feeling that I have to be the one to make relationships in my family work. I have to constantly let things slide with my sister in order to keep the peace. We can have a great time together so long as I don't let the conversation turn into a certain direction. I feel like, with my mother, I am the one who has to make her feel okay. I'm the one who has to keep a tight reign on the conversation. Make myself crazy trying to make sure that she feels apart of my life. Going home stresses me out no end. I want to spend time with my friends and family but I have to work out my whole trip, down to the minute. It wears me out.
The main thing I wanted to say was that I have actually felt a little better about the whole thing with my mom. I talked to my friend today and I said that my mom still hasn't called me. She said that she thinks it will come in time. Who knows? One thing I do know, my family is complicated! Always has been and, I am pretty sure, always will be! But I don't know if I would change it if I could. Its the way things have always been. Its oddly comfortable, familiar.
I will stop rambling....and keep trying to make things work with my crazy and trying family!!

Enjoying a glorious day!

2007-10-10T17:17:00.000-04:00

This is the view from my porch at the apartment. Its my most favorite time of the year. Almost Fall. The sky is sooo blue. Grass is still green. Leaves are just starting to change. If I wanted to get married out side this would be the time of year that I would pick. I would get married on a clear fall day, close to sunset. I love the sunsets this time of year. So it is such a day that I find myself setting outside. Listening to Doris Day and drinking Sweet tea! I have the whole day off. No Lifeway and no Kroger. I almost don't know what to do with my self. I wish that I was a person who could just window shop. If I was I would be in downtown Franklin strolling through all the cute little shops. But I ALWAYS find something I HAVE to have. Too good of a deal to pass up, whether I have the money or not. So I stay away. I did get up this morning and go have lunch with Joshua. I called Sharon last night and she said it was his Marvelous Me week and so it would be perfect if I could go have lunch with him. Grandma was also there and so Elizabeth and Olivia came and set with us. It was big fun. Joshua to my camera and below are the results.

He asked me to set the timer and so that's how we got the 2 good ones of him. The others were just him being crazy.

The crazy cousins. Elizabeth, Olivia and Joshua. They are are too funny!! I had a great time visiting with them. After I said goodbye to them and Grandma, I went and saw some friends there at the school and my Andrew. He and Sarah were in class but I thought I would catch Andrew at recess or lunch. I wasn't even going to try and see Sarah. She would have gone ballistic. Whenever she sees me she wants to stay with me. So I wanted to save Mrs Brenda from having to deal with a crazy Sarah. But I did catch up with Andrew in his class and got to visit with him and his classmates and teachers. I was glad to see that he seemed to be doing really well. He is soo dear to my heart and it just thrills me to see him thriving in class. With all his problems I am glad to see that it hasn't slowed him down at all. In fact he seems to do better. After I had visited with him, I headed out to the car but I saw Joshua's teacher from a year or two ago and so I had to say hi. While I was visiting with them Andrew came running out on to the playground, screaming my name. Makes me soo happy to have a little child yell for me because they are excited to see me. So I grabbed him up and snapped this picture.

Sorry for the visible green gum. I forget that it shows up soo well. But isn't he just the cutest thing ever?! I love him sooo much!! After spending the day with 2/3 of my kids made me really really miss them. Don't get me wrong, I glad to be at Lifefway. But I miss the kids. and seeing them grow up. Finding out that Sarah peepeed in the potty for the first time yesterday and I wasn't there, really made me sad. How crazy is that?! Today was the kind of day that we would have spent hanging out at Granny White Park. Me setting in the swing. Kids running around. But at least I still can go see them. They are close enough to go and spend time with them.

Okay well, I did have a lot more that I wanted to say but I will save that for later. I have been setting out on the floor of the deck for quite some time and quite frankly, my bum is about die!!So cheerio for now! Ta!

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times....

2007-09-11T21:18:00.000-04:00

Well not really the worst of times. But it was one of the saddest times. My roommate got married this past Saturday. It was beautiful wedding. I was a bridesmaid and the shoes were sooo uncomfortable and the dress beautiful yet uncomfortable as well. I caught the bouquet. AGAIN!! I think that it may be like the 4th time!! Seriously, I just can't win! Everyone keeps saying "Oh you are going to be next one married" Well all I have to say about that is, WHATEVER!! I only actually tried to catch it at the wedding because me and her sister and some of her old high school friends decided to treat it like we were fighting for a rebound. And we were all blocking out and we said we were going to jump for it and then the time came and I was the only one to jump so of course I caught the bouquet! But I didn't keep it. Stef's little cousin really wanted it and since the bouquet was exactly the same as the one that I carried in the wedding I let her have it. She was soo jazzed and went and told everyone about it. We had a great time at the wedding. They played alot of great music and the food was great! They also had a karaoke machine so of course we had to sing some songs!!

In all seriousness, it was a day filled with mixed emotions. Running around getting everything done for the day and worrying about all the little details. Plus knowing that it was official. I had lost the best roommate I have ever had!! And that would never happen again!! She had a new roommate. A mister Patrick Tinnel. He is a great match for her. He is kind, sweet, caring and funny!! We always have a great time when ever we hang out. We played so many jokes on each other and were constantly cracking on each other. I am still hoping that we will get together sometime. They both joked and said that I would have a place to stay at their house if the need ever arose. I will miss seeing them. Regularly any way. I hope they are having a great time in Disney world. Stef was soo excited because she had never been there as an adult she said and Patrick had never been at all. Truthfully, he had never flown before either. I was teasing them saying that they made the perfect couple, she throws up on planes and he gets sick really easy.

I can't wait to hear all of the crazy stories that I know they will have when they get back.

Okay, I guess that's all.

Why do things have to change?

2007-09-04T17:40:00.000-04:00

Okay so I know WHY things have to change, but why does it all have to come at the same time? I feel like my life has been in a constant state of major change for close to 2yrs. Jobs, Friends, Family, Church, and so many other things. But if things could change just one or maybe two at a time, instead of everything all at once, it wouldn't be so bad. I mean, seriously, what is up with that?? I have 2 roommates and the one who has been with me for the longest is moving out. Well, actually, she moved out last night! Sad day!! A friend of mine from my hometown is moving in. Stef had been my roommate for almost 3yrs. We have been through alot together. Her breakup with her boyfriend of 3yrs, her new job, a new boyfriend that soon turned into a fiance. The death of her grandmother, my sister's wedding, new jobs on my front. We were both nannies together, in fact, that's how we met. At the Chick Fil A, in the play area. She had 2 boys and I had 2 boys. They were all the exact same age and played really well together. They became fast friends and so did we. She is one of my dearest friends and even though I know I will see her, I feel like she is gone. Things will never be the same. And its good. I mean, she is getting married. Starting a new family with her husband to be. I am so happy for her. I know that God brought her into my life for a reason. At the time we met, I was living by myself out in the country. I spent a lot of time alone and I am a huge people person. At the time, I wasn't even looking for a roommate but she was having to find a place pretty quickly and I had an extra room. As a result of us moving in together, I was able to help her through a tough breakup and she was there for support as my sister got married. So needless to say, we're close. I don't have the same relationship with my other roommate or my new one. I don't think that there will ever be a similar situation. I like my two current roommates but there are a few things that make it different. One of them is going to get married in June and so I know that it will only be for a short time. Don't get me wrong, I like her a lot and am glad to have her come in and take over Stef's room. The other one, well, that's a different story. She and I have different ideas on what is supposed to go on in a independent person's life. I mean, I work pretty hard to pay my own way in the world. I hate to have to ask my parents for help. I know they will help me if they could but I don't like to ask them. She, on the other hand, totally lets her parents pay for everything. She doesn't work that much and complains when she does. Making her happy is a very hard thing to do. We are completely opposite in a lot of areas. We can have a good time just doing nothing but sometimes living together is hard. So at the end of the current lease, I am going to be moving out. She is talking about buying a house and maybe having her brother move up here to share it with her. I hope that how ever it ends, we remain friends.

I guess, I am just bummed and that is weighing on me the most right now. There are a couple of other things going on but I will talk more about them later! I'm hungry and its time to go cook some home cooked food.

So blessed!!

2007-08-27T01:57:00.001-04:00

Today has been a day where God has TOTALLY reminded me of how great He is. I slept in, like I have been doing for the past couple of months, but I was up by like 11:00 or so. I spent the majority of the day cleaning my room. Going through clothes and deciding what to keep and what needs to be tossed and what should be sent to the goodwill. This evening there was scheduled to be a instrumental concert at my church. I still get the emails from the choir even though I haven't been in the church since Christmas. (That doesn't mean that I haven't been to church since then, just not my church.) In one of the last emails, Dennis mentioned that there was going to be a special concert to celebrate 20yrs of the orchestra ministry at the church, as well as the organist's 15th year as the church organist. I love the organist at my church and I knew that she could play beautifully, same for the orchestra, so I put it in my phone's calendar. I really wanted to go. SO I made myself go and have never been more glad that I made myself do something. It was awesome. Soo beautiful! It felt so great to be there, in that beautiful building, listening to all the beautiful music being sung and played by some of God's greatest musicians! I just sat there with tears in my eyes. It was like God was showing me what I have been missing. I know that I should be apart of the choir, as well as the church. But the choir has always meant a lot to me. The music minister at church does the most awesome job of blending all the different styles of music and making the most wonderful worship service. He mixes hymns and praise choruses better than anyone I have ever seen. And he is such a man of God. He gets so emotional because of the music and most of the time, the words of a song, that he can't even sing himself. I love the fact that the leader still is worshiping through the service. He isn't just concentrating on what part of the service we are at, but what we are singing and Who we are singing it for.
One of the reasons I dropped out of choir and ultimately, church, was I was just feeling soo alone. In a church that has more people there on a Sunday morning than my hometown, it's hard to believe that you could feel lonely, but I did. When I started going there, I was involved in a women's bible study at another church with some friends of mine. They were my small group, my accountability group. But because of church issues and childcare issues, they had to move the day of the study and it was moved to a day that I couldn't attend. I had been in the same group of ladies for over 2 yrs. I was closer to God than I had ever been in my whole life. While I understood why it had to be changed, I was very upset. It really shook me. I wasn't that happy at my job, I was going to church by myself and now my bible study, my core group, was being taken away from me. It really sent me into a state of depression. I mean, for over 2yrs, every Thursday, I would meet my friends, we would study God's word and then spend time fellowshiping at lunch, and now it was gone. That was the hardest things I have ever had to go through. I am not sure I have even fully recovered. Because after that I started just going to choir and then leaving. Not staying for service. Then it was I would only go if the song was one of my favorites. Then it was just to go for the special choir concert. Then I started to feel guilty because I was going to church for completely the wrong reason. So would just sleep. I slept a lot through that time. I got involved in some thing I never would have dreamed I would be involved in. Although I am no longer a part of it, it still has taken some time to get over. While I was doing nothing illegal, it was still something I had been raised no to do and yet I was. So while I was down in the pit, I made a job change. One of the best decisions I have ever made. While I miss my kids, I know that I am better off at the bookstore. I love being back there. I love helping the customers. I love getting to know them, as they come in regularly. I love starting my day out with prayer and devotion with my fellow associates. I love having deep, theological discussions with them. I love it. God knew that I needed to be back there and I am soo glad that I actually listened and followed Him. While I am no where near where I was before, I am pulling out of what ever it was I was in. I am excited about going back to church! I am excited about singing in the choir! I am looking forward to meeting new people in the choir. I am hoping to get involved in Sunday school again. I am just glad to be feeling happy about it again.
God is so great! He just amazes me constantly! Oh if only I would pay more attention!!

A new laptop!!

2007-08-23T21:10:00.000-04:00

I guess that I should say that its a new friend because we all know that I am going to spending a lot of time together me and my new Dell. I shall have to think up a name for it. First off, a girl or a guy? Hmmm.....that's a tough one. I guess I will wait and see.
I am soo jazzed to have this thingy!! I have wanted one for the longest time and now its here!! Yay!! I am still having to get used to the keypad on here. Quite different than what I am used to. But I am sure that I will adapt. When Stef moves out, sad day, I won't have to start going to the Library again to check my email. Thats what I did when I lived out in the boondocks. Although sometimes I miss being out there. It was sooo quiet and spacious. And it was just me and Stef. But those were the days of the past. Time to move on.
I am having to force my self off of the computer every night. Now that I can read in bed, I never want to leave it. I keep finding new and even more interesting things to do and see. I am sure that one day it will pass. Who knows though?
I'm going to run. I am starving and have food waiting for me. Yummy rice!!
Bye!
PS if anyone has a good idea for a name please let me know. You may be the winner! Of an imaginary contest of course! ;)

The Week of Craziness!

2007-07-13T18:18:00.000-04:00

That is what this week has been. Mike, my manager, has been gone all week. He finally went on a family vacation, which I am glad that he did. He needed to really badly. Everyone needs a break. But I have to say that the saying, When the boss is away everyone will play, is sooo true! Not that I haven't done my fair share of playing this week, because I have. But there is a time when even I know that you have to stop playing and get your job done. I love my job! Honestly, I do! Being back at Lifeway has been the best thing for me at this stage in my life but sometimes the people that I work with are what drive me to frustration! My coworkers here at the store are some of dearest friends. I mean, we hang out with each other outside of work all the time. Last Sunday (I know! Christian Bookstore Employees! Laying out of church!!) a bunch of us and our friends and families, went Six Flags in Ky. It was sooo much fun! We have to go and do things like that on Sun because its the only time we are all off of work and can go together. When we go and do things like that together, it helps bring us together as coworkers and a mini lifeway family. We all feel like that's what we are, a family. I have said, and have heard others say, that once you work here its sooo hard to work any where else. Especially this store. Mike is the best manager in the world. And yet at the same time, he can be the most frustrating!! SO he has been gone and I feel like I had the slowest, most boring week and the fastest, nonstop week all at the same time. There was stuff happening this week that never happens or happens once in a blue moon. One day I actually got to the point of where I hated my name. I mean it! Every time the phone rang or the little beep that you hear when someone is about to be paged went off, I would stop what I was doing and wait to see what I needed to do. Run to the front! Talk to this customer about a Special Order! Answer the phone! It was crazy! It seemed like everything that happened that day I had to be a part of it some way. THAT day went by fast and I left feeling like I didn't get anything done! But anyway, I am at the end of the week now and I have tomorrow off. My cousin Courtney is going to come and stay the night with me. We are going to go downtown Nashville and look at all the shops and stuff. She is so funny. We have really got close in the last couple of years. She is my youngest cousin, ten years younger than me. I don't know why all the sudden what changed but we talk to each other all the time and send each other messages on Facebook and Myspace. We just click these days. So I am excited that she is coming. I have a feeling that the weekend will be better than the week. At least I hope so!

Up Waay to Early...

2007-07-11T06:10:00.001-04:00

I am at work and its 5:10 in the morning. Do I normally get here at 5:00? Heck no!! I am here because the corporate office has to shoot a training video and needed someone here to open the store. I live the closest and so here I am! But its not too bad. I am going to try and leave a little early. Andrew and I and possibly Stacia are going to see the new Harry Potter movie. I am sooo excited! Tired and sleepy but excited. I haven't made any coffee yet. Fixing to go do that! I will probably drink a whole pot by myself! Won't that be lovely, me all wired on coffee? By the time Rebecca and the others get here, who knows what I will have been up to in here.

Its been a while...

2007-07-09T10:55:00.000-04:00

Life has been moving on by. Fast! Like always. I haven't been myself for the past few months. Well in all actuality for the past year. I have slipped in to the land of people who hardly ever go to church. A place that I never imagined I would be. Having grown up in church, I was always there. Anytime the door was open, I was there. And usually one of the first ones there and the last to leave. I loved it! I loved seeing all my friends, singing and worshipping. But in the last year, things have changed. I had been in a bible study group, with the same group of ladies, for close to 2yrs, if not longer. They had to move the bible study to a different day and because of my job I couldn't go. Well, that sent me down a path of borderline depression. I was closer to God at that point than I had ever been in my life. We had been in constant study and all of the sudden it was gone. I continued to go church on Sundays and Wed nights for choir, but I slowly started retreating from that as well. Somewhere during that time of feeling the loss of the bible study and the change in all of the relationships of the ladies in the group, I had started doing something that I wasn't proud of. Something I never talked about, never thought I would do. I never would say it out loud, because then it would be acknowledging that it was going on. I wasn't doing drugs or anything like that but it was something I knew was wrong. Overtime, without the study and all my girls, the guilt of the secret that I had was enough to drive me into some kind of hole. I wouldn't answer the phone unless absolutely necessary. I would go home and take a nap, but it wouldn't be just a nap. I would go to sleep at 4:00 in the afternoon and sleep til the next morning and never wake up. I was either at work or asleep. I would turn down opportunities to go spend time with friends and slowly found my self out of church, lonely and depressed. But the thing is I would go to church if I was at home or if there was something big going on in the life of a friend. I went to see a friend of mine get baptized. I don't know how I ended up in that place but finally one day I realized that the guilt of what I was doing and not going to church was pushing me further down. I was at a point of either moving forward and getting back into church or just not. Not trying to get back into church, not moving on. God blessed me with a friend who could see that I needed to talk and so she asked for us to go out and eat. The thing is, I have tons of friends that I could have talked to but I knew what most of the would say. But for some reason, when my friend said that she wanted to meet and chat, I was ready to talk. She was great and listened to all that had been going on. For the first time in my life, I actually understood the saying, it was like a physical weight being lifted. When I told her and explained all that had been going on, I literally felt better. I went home that night and took the steps to end what I had been doing. Made a promise to myself that I would try to get back into church or find a bible study. Since that time things have been better. I haven't been to church on Sunday still, but I have been watching the services on the web and have been with my parents. I feel better. I feel free. I still have my hard times but its soo much better. I am on the road to getting back to where I was before and hopefully will even pass that. Its been such a blessing to work at the store because, being there, surrounded by other Christians, helping the customers, has been one of the best things I could have ever done. I need the relationships that I have here at work. I love the fact that we start the day out in devotion, that we pray together. How we talk about things going on in our lives and how God is moving. Its the job that I needed so badly at this time in my life. God has been there with me through all of this and I knew it. I could feel Him there with me as I would just lie in bed, awake and wondering about the things going on in my life. I was still talking to Him but missed the time of learning about Him and His word. One of the times that I went to church with my parents, the choir sang one of my favorite songs. He's Been Faithful, by Brooklyn Tabernacle. The song has new meaning and dearness to my heart now. After all that I had gone through in the last year, God WAS faithful! He was there for me, waiting on me to come to Him.
I'm not where I was before but I am no longer headed in the wrong direction and I thank God for his faithfulness!!

The Newest Murdock

2007-01-23T23:32:00.000-05:00

Today, I got to see my new little cousin. He was born yesterday at high noon!! His name is Robert Ridge Murdock. They are going to call him Ridge. Its a family name. He is sooo cute and tiny. He was only 7lbs and 20in long. He looks just like Banks and Sally, his brother and sister. They are so excited to finally get to see him. When Sally walked in to the room at the hospital last night, all she could say was, Where is MY baby? Too Cute!!

Frustrating, yet Fun!!

2007-01-22T21:37:00.000-05:00

First off, this isn't me. Its my dear friend Andrew. The reason his picture is on here, is that he is expressing my frustration with trying this blogger again! Read below for a better explanation!

I have to say that this is like, the 3rd time that I have "tried" to set up this blog!! Okay, I would like to say that I don't consider my self to computer challenged, but why I can't get this thing set up, I will never know. I have sucessfully established and maintained a MySpace and a Livejournal!! But I will persevere!! Never Give UP, Never Surrender!! * think thats a line from Galaxy Quest, not sure though* ANyways.... I'm going to give it a go, YET again!

Thanks for reading!!

Nikki