Friday, September 10, 2010

Just call me Maud Lin...

Since I moved into my new apartment I've been in a mood. Not a bad mood, nor a great mood. Just a mood.

The best description of what I think I'm feeling is Maudlin. I looked it up online because I thought I knew what it meant but wanted to be sure. Here's the definition of Maudlin...

1. tearfully or weakly emotional; foolishly sentimental 2. foolishly or mawkishly sentimental because of drunkenness.

That's it exactly. Well, I may be foolishly sentimental but it's NOT because of drunkenness. I promise you that! But other than that, this definition is pretty spot on to what I'm feeling right now. The thing that bothers me about this is I don't think I should be feeling this way. I mean, things are good. I've got an apartment all to myself. I'm in a great area. I'm in an amazing church and choir. I've been blessed with amazing friends and family. I have a good job. So why am I maudlin?

I. Don't. Know. And it kills me!!

I've decided that not knowing what kind of mood you're in will put you in an even worse mood. It's like, "Yes, I'm in a bad mood, but I don't know why and that makes it even worse!" I'm the kind of person who need to know things. Not so much in a nosey sense of needing to know but in a needing to know so I can plan kind of way.

I've learned something about myself in the last year or so...I don't like to be caught off guard or unprepared. I need to know so I can make sure everything is under control. So when I'm in a funk or feeling low with no real reason, I go even deeper in that funk because I don't know why. I get upset with myself for acting like my life is worse than it is. I mean, there there are people out there in way worse situations than me and yet I'm the one with the blue mood.

So here I am. Maudlin. I'm missing things and people. I'm missing my bff but yet, when I could go and spend time with her, I don't. What's up with that?! I miss playing the piano but I sold my keyboard. Huh? I miss my family but when I'm with them, I'm already thinking about getting out of there. What is that all about?

I think it's a sign of a deeper issue. A sign of me trying to find things to focus on instead of dealing with another issue. The REAL issue. Another side of maudlin is spending a lot of time thinking about stuff. A lot of time thinking about yourself. For me, that's not always good. This time, however, I think it is.

I'm in counseling to try and deal with some of this junk. I'm realizing that I'm at a point of where I need to get to the root of these issues and deal with them from there. I want to go on from this point with a better outlook and a foundation that is based on the right things and not the insecurities and issues that have affected me for as long as I can remember. I gotta be honest with you, I'm a little scared at the prospect of the changes that are coming. I have to keep forcing myself to remember several verses.

1. Deuteronomy 31:6 (The Message)

6 "Be strong. Take courage. Don't be intimidated. Don't give them a second thought because God, your God, is striding ahead of you. He's right there with you. He won't let you down; he won't leave you."

2. 1 Corinthians 10:13 (The Message)

13No test or temptation that comes your way is beyond the course of what others have had to face. All you need to remember is that God will never let you down; he'll never let you be pushed past your limit; he'll always be there to help you come through it.

3. Isaiah 46:4 (The Message)

3-4"Listen to me, family of Jacob,
everyone that's left of the family of Israel.
I've been carrying you on my back
from the day you were born,
And I'll keep on carrying you when you're old.
I'll be there, bearing you when you're old and gray.
I've done it and will keep on doing it,
carrying you on my back, saving you.

And there are countless others, but these are the ones that have stuck with me the most lately. I also have to keep reminding myself of the fact that it's a DAILY thing. Life is something that has to happen and be dealt with DAILY.

Luke 9:23 (New International Version)

23Then he said to them all: "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me.

And, finally, one more thing about this "daily life"...a reminder from Anne with an E..."Tomorrow is always fresh with no mistakes in it." I just need to remember that!