Monday, October 22, 2007

Trying something new...

So this past week I kinda had a melt down. My dad and I are alot closer than my mom and me. I talk to my dad at least once a day if not more. And its not just me calling him. Half the time I call him its because I am returning one of his calls. My dad is all the time telling me to call my mother. Call your mother he says. Well, this past week he told me to call her and I snapped. I told him she never calls me, never. He says, I call him all the time and I just reminded him that he calls me just as much. He says that she doesn't call because she doesn't want to bother me. That she thinks I don't like her. That ticked me off even more. Lately I have been feeling like the depth of my love for my family is determined by how often I call or go home. How crazy is that?! I mean if I wanted to be childish and petty I could say the same thing. They never come and see me here in Nashville. I have lived here for 5 years and I could probably count on one hand how many times they have been over here. My grandparents have been here almost as many times as they have. But I haven't, up until now, said anything about that. When dad said that I lost it. I have repeatedly told my family and friends to call me anytime they want and if for some reason and I can't talk, I will call them back as soon as I can. Nanny calls me, friends call me, and cousins call me. Mom never does. So after I tell Dad all this, I called my best friend, who is a couple of years older than my parents, and tell her about my conversation with my dad. She then jumps on me. Goes off because she can agree with my mom. She says that MY generation feels like you have to "go and do" when you visit and that my parents, mom in particular, want to just set at the house and just talk. I told her that for me that feels like a bad thing. Growing up whenever we just sat at home, in the living room, we were always having a family meeting. Not to say that we didn't spend time together while I was growing up, but we never just sat in silence. She chastised me for quite some time. My whole lunch hour, in fact. At the end of the conversation she tells me to make a point of calling my mom everyday. She actually wanted me to put in on my calendar to call my mother everyday!! I just laughed. But I have to say that something she said totally stuck with me. So as I was driving back to work, I called mom and just said hey. We talked for like 3 mins but I think it made her feel good. I have since called her several times this week. I have made it a point to call her at least everyother day. Whether I am just saying hey or I have an actual reason, I call. It has been interesting. There have been several moments of awkwardness. But I am feeling better about the whole thing. During the tirade from my bff, I realized that part of the reason I was having such a hard time with all this with my mom, is that I am tired of feeling that I have to be the one to make relationships in my family work. I have to constantly let things slide with my sister in order to keep the peace. We can have a great time together so long as I don't let the conversation turn into a certain direction. I feel like, with my mother, I am the one who has to make her feel okay. I'm the one who has to keep a tight reign on the conversation. Make myself crazy trying to make sure that she feels apart of my life. Going home stresses me out no end. I want to spend time with my friends and family but I have to work out my whole trip, down to the minute. It wears me out.
The main thing I wanted to say was that I have actually felt a little better about the whole thing with my mom. I talked to my friend today and I said that my mom still hasn't called me. She said that she thinks it will come in time. Who knows? One thing I do know, my family is complicated! Always has been and, I am pretty sure, always will be! But I don't know if I would change it if I could. Its the way things have always been. Its oddly comfortable, familiar.
I will stop rambling....and keep trying to make things work with my crazy and trying family!!

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

Enjoying a glorious day!

This is the view from my porch at the apartment. Its my most favorite time of the year. Almost Fall. The sky is sooo blue. Grass is still green. Leaves are just starting to change. If I wanted to get married out side this would be the time of year that I would pick. I would get married on a clear fall day, close to sunset. I love the sunsets this time of year. So it is such a day that I find myself setting outside. Listening to Doris Day and drinking Sweet tea! I have the whole day off. No Lifeway and no Kroger. I almost don't know what to do with my self. I wish that I was a person who could just window shop. If I was I would be in downtown Franklin strolling through all the cute little shops. But I ALWAYS find something I HAVE to have. Too good of a deal to pass up, whether I have the money or not. So I stay away. I did get up this morning and go have lunch with Joshua. I called Sharon last night and she said it was his Marvelous Me week and so it would be perfect if I could go have lunch with him. Grandma was also there and so Elizabeth and Olivia came and set with us. It was big fun. Joshua to my camera and below are the results.

He asked me to set the timer and so that's how we got the 2 good ones of him. The others were just him being crazy.

The crazy cousins. Elizabeth, Olivia and Joshua. They are are too funny!! I had a great time visiting with them. After I said goodbye to them and Grandma, I went and saw some friends there at the school and my Andrew. He and Sarah were in class but I thought I would catch Andrew at recess or lunch. I wasn't even going to try and see Sarah. She would have gone ballistic. Whenever she sees me she wants to stay with me. So I wanted to save Mrs Brenda from having to deal with a crazy Sarah. But I did catch up with Andrew in his class and got to visit with him and his classmates and teachers. I was glad to see that he seemed to be doing really well. He is soo dear to my heart and it just thrills me to see him thriving in class. With all his problems I am glad to see that it hasn't slowed him down at all. In fact he seems to do better. After I had visited with him, I headed out to the car but I saw Joshua's teacher from a year or two ago and so I had to say hi. While I was visiting with them Andrew came running out on to the playground, screaming my name. Makes me soo happy to have a little child yell for me because they are excited to see me. So I grabbed him up and snapped this picture.

Sorry for the visible green gum. I forget that it shows up soo well. But isn't he just the cutest thing ever?! I love him sooo much!! After spending the day with 2/3 of my kids made me really really miss them. Don't get me wrong, I glad to be at Lifefway. But I miss the kids. and seeing them grow up. Finding out that Sarah peepeed in the potty for the first time yesterday and I wasn't there, really made me sad. How crazy is that?! Today was the kind of day that we would have spent hanging out at Granny White Park. Me setting in the swing. Kids running around. But at least I still can go see them. They are close enough to go and spend time with them.

Okay well, I did have a lot more that I wanted to say but I will save that for later. I have been setting out on the floor of the deck for quite some time and quite frankly, my bum is about die!!So cheerio for now! Ta!