Monday, October 22, 2007

Trying something new...

So this past week I kinda had a melt down. My dad and I are alot closer than my mom and me. I talk to my dad at least once a day if not more. And its not just me calling him. Half the time I call him its because I am returning one of his calls. My dad is all the time telling me to call my mother. Call your mother he says. Well, this past week he told me to call her and I snapped. I told him she never calls me, never. He says, I call him all the time and I just reminded him that he calls me just as much. He says that she doesn't call because she doesn't want to bother me. That she thinks I don't like her. That ticked me off even more. Lately I have been feeling like the depth of my love for my family is determined by how often I call or go home. How crazy is that?! I mean if I wanted to be childish and petty I could say the same thing. They never come and see me here in Nashville. I have lived here for 5 years and I could probably count on one hand how many times they have been over here. My grandparents have been here almost as many times as they have. But I haven't, up until now, said anything about that. When dad said that I lost it. I have repeatedly told my family and friends to call me anytime they want and if for some reason and I can't talk, I will call them back as soon as I can. Nanny calls me, friends call me, and cousins call me. Mom never does. So after I tell Dad all this, I called my best friend, who is a couple of years older than my parents, and tell her about my conversation with my dad. She then jumps on me. Goes off because she can agree with my mom. She says that MY generation feels like you have to "go and do" when you visit and that my parents, mom in particular, want to just set at the house and just talk. I told her that for me that feels like a bad thing. Growing up whenever we just sat at home, in the living room, we were always having a family meeting. Not to say that we didn't spend time together while I was growing up, but we never just sat in silence. She chastised me for quite some time. My whole lunch hour, in fact. At the end of the conversation she tells me to make a point of calling my mom everyday. She actually wanted me to put in on my calendar to call my mother everyday!! I just laughed. But I have to say that something she said totally stuck with me. So as I was driving back to work, I called mom and just said hey. We talked for like 3 mins but I think it made her feel good. I have since called her several times this week. I have made it a point to call her at least everyother day. Whether I am just saying hey or I have an actual reason, I call. It has been interesting. There have been several moments of awkwardness. But I am feeling better about the whole thing. During the tirade from my bff, I realized that part of the reason I was having such a hard time with all this with my mom, is that I am tired of feeling that I have to be the one to make relationships in my family work. I have to constantly let things slide with my sister in order to keep the peace. We can have a great time together so long as I don't let the conversation turn into a certain direction. I feel like, with my mother, I am the one who has to make her feel okay. I'm the one who has to keep a tight reign on the conversation. Make myself crazy trying to make sure that she feels apart of my life. Going home stresses me out no end. I want to spend time with my friends and family but I have to work out my whole trip, down to the minute. It wears me out.
The main thing I wanted to say was that I have actually felt a little better about the whole thing with my mom. I talked to my friend today and I said that my mom still hasn't called me. She said that she thinks it will come in time. Who knows? One thing I do know, my family is complicated! Always has been and, I am pretty sure, always will be! But I don't know if I would change it if I could. Its the way things have always been. Its oddly comfortable, familiar.
I will stop rambling....and keep trying to make things work with my crazy and trying family!!


Abby said...

what in the world...i think we are more alike than we know...i have the same issues with my mom...maybe not for the same reasons, i don't know, but yeah i feel like i'm always the one giving in and doing the "changing" and making the effort...and many times goes un-noticed...and yeah...working on it with the Lord as well :)

tulip girl said...

You don't know me, but I just happened upon your block three blogs linking blogs linking blogs. Any way I just wanted to say thank you so much for being so honest. I have such a hard time with my family having to play peace keeper and keep my needy mom happy. It is very comforting to know I am not alone on this one. Can't live with them and all the way across the country sometimes is just not far enough.