Monday, July 9, 2007

Its been a while...

Life has been moving on by. Fast! Like always. I haven't been myself for the past few months. Well in all actuality for the past year. I have slipped in to the land of people who hardly ever go to church. A place that I never imagined I would be. Having grown up in church, I was always there. Anytime the door was open, I was there. And usually one of the first ones there and the last to leave. I loved it! I loved seeing all my friends, singing and worshipping. But in the last year, things have changed. I had been in a bible study group, with the same group of ladies, for close to 2yrs, if not longer. They had to move the bible study to a different day and because of my job I couldn't go. Well, that sent me down a path of borderline depression. I was closer to God at that point than I had ever been in my life. We had been in constant study and all of the sudden it was gone. I continued to go church on Sundays and Wed nights for choir, but I slowly started retreating from that as well. Somewhere during that time of feeling the loss of the bible study and the change in all of the relationships of the ladies in the group, I had started doing something that I wasn't proud of. Something I never talked about, never thought I would do. I never would say it out loud, because then it would be acknowledging that it was going on. I wasn't doing drugs or anything like that but it was something I knew was wrong. Overtime, without the study and all my girls, the guilt of the secret that I had was enough to drive me into some kind of hole. I wouldn't answer the phone unless absolutely necessary. I would go home and take a nap, but it wouldn't be just a nap. I would go to sleep at 4:00 in the afternoon and sleep til the next morning and never wake up. I was either at work or asleep. I would turn down opportunities to go spend time with friends and slowly found my self out of church, lonely and depressed. But the thing is I would go to church if I was at home or if there was something big going on in the life of a friend. I went to see a friend of mine get baptized. I don't know how I ended up in that place but finally one day I realized that the guilt of what I was doing and not going to church was pushing me further down. I was at a point of either moving forward and getting back into church or just not. Not trying to get back into church, not moving on. God blessed me with a friend who could see that I needed to talk and so she asked for us to go out and eat. The thing is, I have tons of friends that I could have talked to but I knew what most of the would say. But for some reason, when my friend said that she wanted to meet and chat, I was ready to talk. She was great and listened to all that had been going on. For the first time in my life, I actually understood the saying, it was like a physical weight being lifted. When I told her and explained all that had been going on, I literally felt better. I went home that night and took the steps to end what I had been doing. Made a promise to myself that I would try to get back into church or find a bible study. Since that time things have been better. I haven't been to church on Sunday still, but I have been watching the services on the web and have been with my parents. I feel better. I feel free. I still have my hard times but its soo much better. I am on the road to getting back to where I was before and hopefully will even pass that. Its been such a blessing to work at the store because, being there, surrounded by other Christians, helping the customers, has been one of the best things I could have ever done. I need the relationships that I have here at work. I love the fact that we start the day out in devotion, that we pray together. How we talk about things going on in our lives and how God is moving. Its the job that I needed so badly at this time in my life. God has been there with me through all of this and I knew it. I could feel Him there with me as I would just lie in bed, awake and wondering about the things going on in my life. I was still talking to Him but missed the time of learning about Him and His word. One of the times that I went to church with my parents, the choir sang one of my favorite songs. He's Been Faithful, by Brooklyn Tabernacle. The song has new meaning and dearness to my heart now. After all that I had gone through in the last year, God WAS faithful! He was there for me, waiting on me to come to Him.
I'm not where I was before but I am no longer headed in the wrong direction and I thank God for his faithfulness!!

1 comment:

Kate said...

My dear new friend! First of all, I am soooooo glad you got around to's wonderful to get to know you. I am keenly aware of how hard it is to put your "stuff" out there, but you are so real in doing it, and God will certainly bless your efforts.
My heart truly goes out to you. I myself have had seasons such as you have described...maybe a bit different but the enemy is not unique in trying to take us out. :) Yes, God is certainly faithful. 2 Tim 2:13 says "if we are faithless, he will remain faithful, for he cannot disown himself." What an awesome promise.

It's always such an easy thing to slip back into what was comfortable for us...whether it is sin or just complacency. The hard part is standing steadfast against all that...keeping your heart pure before God. You can do it.

I feel your pain, and I wish I had known you. Sometimes you don't need someone to tell you all the Christian cliche's, but just need someone to listen to you, hold your hand, and cry. I am most likely hundred of miles away, but when your grip slips (and it just may a few times before you really kick some enemy butt), email me and I'll give you my # and a promise of no cliche's.

One more thing...don't look back. I'm not talking about don't look back at your sin...I am talking about don't look back at who you think you were when you were living "right" before you stepped away. If you hear nothing else, hear this: YOU ARE SO MUCH MORE POWERFUL IN THE KINGDOM OF GOD NOW THAN YOU EVER WERE!!!! Going to a building to worship God doesn't mean squat! I'm not saying that you don't need to be around do...and I am so glad you have found some to be around again. I'm just saying...God is so pleased with where your heart is now...that's what is important. Your heart is tender, and you recognize those things that don't please Him...and you keep going...that's all you can do.
You are truly an awesome individual! Don't forget where you've been because others will be there one day and you will be the one to draw them out...just because you've been there.

Many blessings to ya,