I mean, can having a wreck actually make someone’s life better? I don’t know if I’ve ever really stopped and thought about it before. Most people probably don’t think along those lines when it comes to accidents. When people hear the word wreck, it’s never good. Okay, well maybe in a sentence something like, at least you didn’t have a wreck…but more often than not, the word is not equated with good times. However, in the last week and a half, I have been trying to NOT be happy about my wreck. How weird does that sound?!
Let me see if I can explain…
Last Monday, I was in an accident that was not my fault but it totaled my car. I was not buckled (yes, I know), but I was not seriously hurt. I did hit my head on the steering wheel and the air bad did not deploy but all I walked away with was a very mild concussion. That, and a lovely goose egg on my forehead and a wonderful shiner that would make anyone jealous. I haven’t had any make up on since that day and knowing now just how much time it adds to my morning activities I have to ask myself is it worth the loss of sleep? YES! I feel soo weird without it! Other than the new but thankfully, temporary, additions to my face, I have no physical signs of a wreck. So that is the first reason I am happy about my wreck.
A well prepared person always has an emergency plan prepared and it’s even more important when you are a single woman living with a roommate. I have such a plan and now I know it works. Due to my parents and the majority of my family being at least 2.5 hours away from me, I have a very dear friend listed as my emergency contact. Cindy is the best kind of person you want around in a crisis. She gets things taken care of and handled without losing it, but isn’t un-emotional for the person she is there for. After the wreck I called my roomie, Abby, who I had just hung up with, and told her what had happened. She was coming down to go with me to the ER. Once she got there, I had her call Cindy because I was pretty shook up. I just didn’t want to call and freak her out and I knew Abby could call and tell her better than I could. Cindy came to the hospital and stayed with me for a while. She ended up calling the tow company and meeting him at the car. She came and met us at after that and stayed until I was going home. Cindy is the bestest! My emergency plan had worked, so that is another reason I am happy about my wreck.
After I had slept and rested for a couple of days, I started dealing with the issue of my car situation. I had just totaled my still being paid for car. I had just paid a $500 deductible to have my car fixed in December. While I hadn’t ever liked the car, this is not how I had imagined getting rid of it. I was planning on sticking it out to pay it off or at least get to a place where I was not owing more than the car was worth. Now that it was totaled my main focus/concern was how am I going to get another car? I am in no financial place to get another car! I was worried that the insurance wouldn’t give me enough to cover the loan balance left on the car and already trying to decide what I would do when that happened. Should I take a bit of the money and by an old, but reliable, car and work on paying the loan off? Should I take the whole amount and pay as much off as I could and hope that I could get them to refinance it at a lower rate? I just didn’t know. Nothing stresses me out or puts me in a bad mood faster than financial crap. And that is what money is, crap! Anyways…as I was saying. Until I heard from the insurance lady regarding the amount they were going to offer me for the car, I was stressing. The insurance people got me a rental for a few days but I also had 2 vehicles that people had offered to me for as long as I needed. How awesome is that?! I didn’t have to stress about being able to get around. My uncle had offered me his truck because he has a company car and a small driveway, so he was all about getting some space freed up. On Thursday the lady called and told me how much they were going to be offering and that morning I had opened a statement from the bank that showed the balance on the loan. After adding back in the deductible that the other people’s insurance would repay me, the amount would be 1.25 more than the balance. Praise the Lord! I just sat in the lobby at work and tears popped up in my eyes. He knew how stressed I was about that and He took care of it. So that meant that I wouldn’t have to carry over any leftover balance to a new loan or try to figure out what to do about finding a cheap but good car. God proved, yet again, that He will take care of me, that He is in control and that He will never leave or forsake me! And there you have another reason that I am happy about my wreck.
For the last few months I have been feeling like God has been telling me in many different ways that there needed to be some work done in several areas of my life, including my finances. I have a great job that pays really well and I should have more to show for it than some really great pictures of places I have traveled to. Don’t get me wrong! I wouldn’t change any of those trips but making the money I am and having no serious debt, I should be in a completely different place than I am now. I have been told that maybe the reason the Lord hasn’t brought Mr. Right into the picture yet is that He’s not finished with him yet. While that may be true, something I have not wanted to admit, let alone say aloud, is it’s more like the Lord is not finished with ME yet. Having spent the majority of my life dreaming of the day when I would meet the guy that would be my husband, it’s not a easy thing to digest that I could be not getting something that God wants me to get before He points out my intended. I just didn’t want to face that thought because what if it’s true? What am I supposed to “get” that I’m missing?! Having wanted to get married so much, my greatest fear is that I wouldn’t. That God has something else planned for me. And that thought scared me! I mean, what else could there be? To give up and say I’m okay with not getting married felt like I would be cutting off a part of myself.
I feel like I have been in the same spot spiritually and maybe maturity wise, for quite a while. Just treading water. I somewhat latched on to the whole “Be still and wait on the Lord” in an incomplete way. I had the waiting part down but was flying right past the Be Still part. In order to be still, I would have to stop and listen. I would have to quit trying to make something happen. It was like I was waiting on God to do His part without having done mine.
Another thing that has been brought to my attention in the last few weeks is that I am a control freak. I never would have classified myself as a control freak. I have been called bossy and told I think I have to comment or give my opinion on everything, but I still would not have said I was a control freak. Just to be clear, no one actually said I was a control freak. It’s something I realized on my own and I’m not taking it very well. I have always wanted to know what was going to happen. I don’t mean in like books and movies but in making plans or something like that. I like to be prepared. I have said that I have become a schedule person and it kind of freaks me out because I never saw myself as someone who would welcome a schedule but here I am. What I didn’t realize is that my need to know what was going to happen was also spilling over in to my relationship with the Lord. I was not willing to let go and give Him complete control without knowing what was going to happen. I don’t even really think it was because I thought He wouldn’t do the best for me, but that His plan may not match up with what I thought was the best or should happen. I don’t and never have doubted that God was in control and His ways/plans are the best for me, but what if His plan was different? I had planned and dreamed of a future as a Wife and Mother, but what if God wanted me to go be a Missionary? Or not get married? I just couldn’t let that go.
Through the last few weeks and possibly even months, I have just felt God saying you are not in control, I AM. That He was waiting to see if I would continue to just exist…or if I was going to turn it all over to Him and start living the life He has planned for me. I want to…I think I always have, but I didn’t know who I was without that hope/plan for the future. I also guess that I felt somewhat labeled as the girl who wants to get married. Everyone is watching and waiting to see who, when or even if, I will get married. I have so many dear, sweet friends who I know have prayed for me and for my future husband and I want them to all be a part of the day, if or whenever it comes.
Over the last months God has shown me that it’s time to drop my plans and just trust Him. I feel like I am supposed to go back to school to be a nurse, specifically a pediatric nurse. I love kids and I have a way with them and I also like helping people. There are a couple of options out there that really intrigue me and I am excited about that future. I realized that nursing is a job that I can do with a family or as a single woman and support myself financially. It’s going to take a while but that is okay. I know it’s something I want to do and I feel a peace about it.
I think I am finally getting it. I see what the Lord has been trying to say all along. You can continue on the path you are on and be somewhat happy and make it, or you can let go and I will take over and lead you to your perfect place. I started to type dream location, but I stopped because I was like, No, I don’t think want to go to MY dream location. I want to go to where He has picked out for me, known or unknown. It will definitely be better than I can ever imagine or dream up!
And so that is the best reason I am happy about my wreck…I finally get it! Now I just have to remember it!