Monday, August 9, 2010

Been a while...

If y'all knew how many drafts I have started and never posted for various reasons, you would so laugh at me. I should really just shut this whole thing down and let it go...I mean, really. Pretty sad that my last post was in February and even though there have been things that are blog worthy, I just haven't done it. Oh well. I'm not going to say I'm going to get better...because when I don't, then I won't have fibbed! ;)

That being said, the reason I'm blogging today, is that I'm moving. AGAIN!! This is funny and blog worthy because it's the fourth time in a year. Yep, you read that right! FOUR TIMES in ONE YEAR!! Hold on...let me add up how many times in the eight years I've been in Nashville that I've moved.

Just counted and in Eight years I have moved seven times...SEVEN!! And four of them in the last year! Some kind of record!

The thing is, I've not been moving for jobs or anything like that. Most of the reasons I've moved have been because my roomies get married. I've literally had four roommates move out to get married. I like to joke and say, I'm going to offer my services for those who desperately want to get married. The ad would read something like this, "Want to get married? Let me live with you for 6months and it'll happen!" And the thing that stinks is, I can't move in with myself! I'm never going to get married!! Lol!

Every time I've moved there has been a little bit of drama involved. The time before last, I had to move by myself practically. Due to long standing family issues, my parents bailed on me the week I was moving and didn't come over. I did all of it I could by myself and only had 2 people come help with the big things. It was one of those deals where, if my parents had come, we could have finished the whole move in practically one day, but because they didn't, it took me three!

As I was moving my things into the new place by myself, my new roomie stopped me as I was carrying boxes in and said, "Girl, I had the best date of my life last night!" I just stopped and looked at her, immediately thought, "Here we go again...I'm not even going to bother unpacking this time!" That was sometime the last week of June and Autumn was married on Dec 12. Yep, six months later I was looking for another place to live.

As funny/sad as the whole thing sounds, each time I've moved, I've learned something. From the beginning when I moved out of my Aunt and Uncle's home into an older couples house, semi-on my own, to this move that I'm about to make into a place all on my own, God has taught me something. Whether it's been about me, my relationship with Him or about life in general, a lesson has been learned.

There have been some lessons that I would have rather NOT had to learn. Some that I can see now HAD to be learned. There have been roommates that have become lifelong friends and some that I can't remember the last time I saw them. Some roommates have been just that...roommates. Never really crossing into the friend category and for a people person like myself, that's kind of hard to admit.

It hasn't happened but once, maybe twice, that the girls I've roomed with haven't ended up becoming people I could hang out with, go to dinner with or watch TV with but I have to say, this last housing situation has shown me how ready I am for a place of my own.

There are no words to fully describe how excited I am about being on my own right now. I'm about to be 30 in November and for the first time in my life, I'm looking forward to having my own space and being by myself! One of my coworkers likes to joke that I'm FINALLY all grown up and a big kid now!

I'm not going to lie and say I completely okay with the idea of being all by myself, because I'm a people person and I know this. I think I've just come to realize that I need a place to be me. Somewhere that I don't have to be a certain "Nikki" for people. Whether its the sister/daughter/granddaughter or the co worker or the babysitter, I need a place to be the person that I never fully let myself be out in public. The person behind all the masks. Do I know this person? Not fully. I'm in a place of learning who that "Nikki" is and it's not easy to stop being who I'm "supposed" to be. One thing I've learned through all of the moves is, you can't live your life according to everyone's expectations of you. It's too hard. I know, I've spent my WHOLE life doing it and now I'm in counseling for it! I've spent so many years being who "they" needed/expected me to be, that I forgot the most important person. GOD.

In all my years of living for everyone else, I can honestly say, God's expectations were not always at the top of the list. Oh, I would go through periods where I would say that He was the only one I was trying to live for, but deep down, I knew that I was still trying to be the girl that the family or the church expected me to be. It's like I've lived my life just playing a part.

I'm still learning who I am behind all the different masks that I've been wearing. Some of them are practically glued on with the toughest type of glue but with God's help, and some awesome people, I'm determined to crack those masks off!

1 comment:

beckyjomama said...

I love you and am so proud of you ... the you you are now and the you you are becoming. I just love you!