Up and down on a windy day....

My emotions have been up and down all day, like a leaf on the wild and crazy wind that's been blowing all day. I mean, there is actually a wind advisory until like midnight. As I am typing this there are branches hitting the side of my apt so hard that I would think the siding was coming off!! Apparently we are getting some really bad storms later tonight. Possible tornadoes and the like. I don't really think that we will but who knows... I had dinner with my friend Abby tonight and while we were setting there, a lady came in to talk to a couple who obviously knew her. She was crying from the moment she hit the door until she left. Abby and I both were like, we need to give her a hug and we didn't even know what her story was. She was just upset and hurting. Abby wanted to go by her a cookie but you never know how people will take things like that. We tried to carry on a conversation with out listening in but still its hard when you see some one crying to not look and wonder. It just kinda showed how you never know what some one is going through. One place of business can have soo many different stories going on in it with all the people there. A group of ladies meeting and having a great time, students studying with their books and laptops all over the tables, a couple of friends catching up on the latest, a counseling/accountability meeting, and the list could go on and on. Every person here on this planet has a different story, different drama that is going on in their lives. I often say that my life is such a soap opera. I have so many things, crazy things, going on in my life. With my job, my friends, my work and roommates. I sometimes feel like when people ask how things are I need to reply with do you want the quick recap or a play by play? Either way it's probably going to more than they want to know. But one thing that has been repeatedly shown to me lately, in many ways, is that God cares. And He wants the play by play, He already knows it, but He wants us to tell Him again. I have often thought that, like Shrek says, "Better out than in", telling what is going on in our lives, how we feel about things, can help us get through life. We tend to hold everything inside, unless its really great news and then we feel its okay to share with others, but the things that we need to share, need help with, we don't share. Why is that? We won't allow ourselves to think about it because it brings us down. We won't share with others because its private, possibly embarrassing and we don't want to bring them down or have them think bad of us. So what do we do? We push it down and act like it never happened. How healthy is that?! I am not trying to say that we should share every single up and down with every single person we know but I am saying that too often in today's society and more so in today's church, we won't allow our self to let go and share with others. Why? Because we fear the condemnation and judgment that the world is so quick to dish out. Even in the church, perhaps more so in the church. There is some sort of stigma in the mind of the church today, that says you have to be perfect or at least not admit to any problems. I have watched a video that Chonda Pierce recently put out and in it she talks about how in the church today we tend to brush over people's hurts. We just say, pray about it and then let go of it. Or let's sing another verse, give you a little more time to fix whatever it is, and then move on. There are issues going on in the world and church today that can not be fixed in another verse. There is some thing of a serious lack of compassion and mercy in the church today. Why else would a church member feel like it wasn't okay to share her/his problem with another Christian? We are constantly trying to fit the role that the world has of us. That we are perfect or that you have to be perfect to be a Christian? There is an old song, I can't even remember who sang it but it was called "Don't Hide the Scars" You never know what will come of sharing a trying time in your life with some one. What you went through and how you handled it could help someone going through the same thing. I am a firm believer in everything that comes your way is a learning experience. Once you learn a lesson, why would you not share what you learned with another? The Lord can use any situation. He may place a person in your life that is at the beginning of a situation that you just came out of. You could save that person a lot of pain by sharing what came of your situation. You never know.
Okay this is really long and I didn't mean for it to be. I have just really been thinking about this a lot lately. I am soo glad that God is big enough to handle all that goes on the world. He is a Hands on God, an On Time God and He cares! He wants to be apart of our lives. He wants the play by play. We just need to share it with him.

I can't believe it's been a month....

I feel like I just started my new job at Travelers. Yet, here I am, over a month later! And I love the job. Its not too easy that I am bored but yet its not too hard that I feel frustrated and don't want to get up in the morning to go to work. Ive met a lot of really great people. They have helped me with my training and learning the ropes. I have been encouraged to look towards the future and make plans for advancing if I so choose. And I feel that the best part of it all is that I am getting closer to the Lord. Yes! In a place that is so decidedly not Christian, I find myself being drawn closer. I feel as if he is wooing me. I am able to listen to MY cds. Choir music and hymns. Music that most other people don't really appreciate. I am able to listen to my most favorite lady, Beth Moore. I actually have a small bible and notebook at my desk for when I listen to her online. I am loving being able to go back through all the archives of shows from where she is on LifeToday. I have turned my best friend on to it as well and she listens at her work. I will call her and she will be like, "did you hear what she said? I needed that!" I am loving it!!! I find my self dealing with a lot of issues that first, I didn't even realize were there, and secondly, starting to let go. Let go of some what I had planned for my life, learning to let go of the fear that I feel in letting go. I never realized that I was something of a control freak. But maybe I am. I know that there is still alot that I am going to have to work through but for the first time in my life, I am okay with that thought. I don't really have a lot of time right now, but I just had to share some of what has been going on in my life. I am soo blessed and I am just now finding out how much I have taken for granted.

Tomorrow, tomorrow, I love ya.....

Thank goodness its only a day away!! I don't think I could stand it any longer. I am so ready for my first day to be over. Is that the best attitude? I don't know...its not that Im dreading it, its more along the lines of Im not sure what to expect. I have no clue how this is going to go. Ive never done a job like this and so I don't know if Im going to love it or hate, be awesome at it or totally stink it up. But I was reading in Sarah Young's book "Jesus Calling", for today, that we shouldn't reisist change. "When you cling to old ways and sameness, you resist My work within you. I want you to embrace all that I am doing in your life, finding your security in Me alone." How big is that? I mean do we ever stop and think about how when we reisist any changes that come our way, we are resisting what plan that God has for us? I certainly never have. I never stopped to think that I was messing with Gods plan when I would dig my heels into the ground, trying to not change my ways.
For the most part, I hate change. Unless its a big change. I know it doesn't make sense but its true. When I moved here 5 yrs ago, I loved starting a new life. I loved getting to meet new people and create a life for myself here. But a change that is more mental or only a little change physically, is a lot harder for me. I think its because so much of my life will stay the same. When you make a big move, everything will change. Just changing jobs or moving in the same town, only parts of your life will change. You will still see the same people, go to the same stores and churches, do most of the same things, where as a big move, you have to go find the people, the stores and church. That alone will keep you busy and moving for a good while, until one day you stop and realize, hey! I have a life here.
So one of my main goals in starting my new job tomorrow is that it will be a small change that will impact my life in a big way. I am determined to trust God in this. Not to set my own agenda for this job or any new relationships that come of it. I am seeing this change as a next step in my becoming a new creation in Christ. I don't want to allow my fear of change to resist what God is doing and going to do in my life.

Lord, please give me the strength to trust you, allow you to do what you know is best, and to see all the things you have planned for me. I love you, Lord! Amen

Whats that on the horizen? Oh its change. Again!

Yep! Change has found me yet again. I put in my 2 weeks notice today. I have been the assistant manager at the Lifeway store in Franklin for a little over a year and today I resigned. Well, I have to say that I loved my job as manager but in all honesty, at my age, Im a little tired of retail. Even Christian retail. I love the customer interaction but really dislike the politics and pettiness of retail. And the hours. For the past year I have been working 2 jobs and having no life. When I took the job, I took a huge paycut as well. I tried to tell myself that it would be alright because I was getting benefits. But as a person who never gets sick, having insurance doesn't really help pay the bills. I know, I know! I have to have insurance, but its hard to believe that when you are having a hard time making it. So I have been praying asking the Lord for another job. I was kinda specific. I don't have a degree so I was kinda limited in what I could find. Or so I thought. I also hoped to find a job in my area of town. My part of town is a really expensive area. But I love it. I have been here since I moved 5 yrs ago. I have lived in several different areas and have always had roomates. So finding a job that would allow me to continue to live here and make it was important. One of my last days at my second job, local Hallmark store, my friend Danielle told me about her job and that they were hiring. She told me all the details and told me how to apply. I was like ok. I was a little bit in shock! God really likes to blow our socks off whenever he can, doesn't he? The job was 10,000 more a year than I was making, they didn't require any experience or a degree, and if there weren't some large tress in front of my apartment you could see the office building. And the hours are awesome!! I can have a life again!! And not HAVE to work 2 jobs!! Isn't God amazing?! It was everything I had said that I wanted. I start on the 18th. Im a little nervous because its something Ive never done before. But Im so looking forward to it. The hardest part of it all was going to be telling my current boss that I was leaving. Well I did that today. I think it went ok. We'll see when I get there in the morning and he's had more time to think about everything.
Overall Id have to say that Im tired. Its been a crazy CRAZY week. My boss was gone on a cruise, one of the keyholders was out with Strepp, power problems, leaks, wind storms and so many other things happened at work. Not to mention the job call on Tues and the official offer on Wednesday. Plus the latest episode of the show called, my crazy family, happend on Sat. (That is a story for another day!)
I am glad to start another week! I have Beth's Stepping Up in the morning with all my girls! Lunch with them as well!
And I still haven't written about my concert that I went to a couple of weeks ago! I got to see Reba and Kelly Clarkson!! Totally awesome!!
Okay, I need to go! I have tons to do and don't really have time to write about all thats happened lately! I will try to soon!!
Just hear this....God totally provides!!!

Hello again!!

Well, I completely slacked off through the last quarter of 2007!! Let's just say it was a crazy time! I work retail and that may answer alot of it!! But I had a great holiday season. I got to spend time with family and friends. Listen and sing along to some of the best music ever written! Good ole Bing! And lots of other crazy things happened. I will write more on that at a later time!

But I just wanted to start 2008 off with some of my favorite pictures from last year!!

So hear you go!

This is my Whole family on my moms side. Her parents, siblings and children. Plus a few married ins!!

Below is my sister, Ryan and I. My aunt was taking pictures for a family calendar. We both have November bdays and so here we are!

This is my dad and I. We are alot alike and yet we can tick each other off faster than just about any one else in the world!!
This is my sister and her husband, My parents and me. Plus my Uncle "Santa"

These are all my cousins. I am the oldest of the seven. Well Eight counting my sisters husband. We always do a picture in order of age and then one according to height because we did it every year at my grandmothers, in front of the fireplace and our parents would compare to see how much we had changed in the last year. Obviously we couldn't all fit on the hearth of the fireplace now and anyways, Nanny and Nandaddy sold that house. Sad day!!Here are my sweet, adorable Grandparents!! Nanny and Nandaddy are my most favorite!! They have been married for almost 53 yrs and both are in there 70s yet they still go and do more than most people in their 50s. They have a motor home and he is in a quartet!! He sings Bass! Gotta love it!!

So there you have a few pictures of my holidays. I still have tons and tons more. I didn't even get into any from my work party!!

I will add some more later!!

Hope everyone has a great day!!

Trying something new...

So this past week I kinda had a melt down. My dad and I are alot closer than my mom and me. I talk to my dad at least once a day if not more. And its not just me calling him. Half the time I call him its because I am returning one of his calls. My dad is all the time telling me to call my mother. Call your mother he says. Well, this past week he told me to call her and I snapped. I told him she never calls me, never. He says, I call him all the time and I just reminded him that he calls me just as much. He says that she doesn't call because she doesn't want to bother me. That she thinks I don't like her. That ticked me off even more. Lately I have been feeling like the depth of my love for my family is determined by how often I call or go home. How crazy is that?! I mean if I wanted to be childish and petty I could say the same thing. They never come and see me here in Nashville. I have lived here for 5 years and I could probably count on one hand how many times they have been over here. My grandparents have been here almost as many times as they have. But I haven't, up until now, said anything about that. When dad said that I lost it. I have repeatedly told my family and friends to call me anytime they want and if for some reason and I can't talk, I will call them back as soon as I can. Nanny calls me, friends call me, and cousins call me. Mom never does. So after I tell Dad all this, I called my best friend, who is a couple of years older than my parents, and tell her about my conversation with my dad. She then jumps on me. Goes off because she can agree with my mom. She says that MY generation feels like you have to "go and do" when you visit and that my parents, mom in particular, want to just set at the house and just talk. I told her that for me that feels like a bad thing. Growing up whenever we just sat at home, in the living room, we were always having a family meeting. Not to say that we didn't spend time together while I was growing up, but we never just sat in silence. She chastised me for quite some time. My whole lunch hour, in fact. At the end of the conversation she tells me to make a point of calling my mom everyday. She actually wanted me to put in on my calendar to call my mother everyday!! I just laughed. But I have to say that something she said totally stuck with me. So as I was driving back to work, I called mom and just said hey. We talked for like 3 mins but I think it made her feel good. I have since called her several times this week. I have made it a point to call her at least everyother day. Whether I am just saying hey or I have an actual reason, I call. It has been interesting. There have been several moments of awkwardness. But I am feeling better about the whole thing. During the tirade from my bff, I realized that part of the reason I was having such a hard time with all this with my mom, is that I am tired of feeling that I have to be the one to make relationships in my family work. I have to constantly let things slide with my sister in order to keep the peace. We can have a great time together so long as I don't let the conversation turn into a certain direction. I feel like, with my mother, I am the one who has to make her feel okay. I'm the one who has to keep a tight reign on the conversation. Make myself crazy trying to make sure that she feels apart of my life. Going home stresses me out no end. I want to spend time with my friends and family but I have to work out my whole trip, down to the minute. It wears me out.
The main thing I wanted to say was that I have actually felt a little better about the whole thing with my mom. I talked to my friend today and I said that my mom still hasn't called me. She said that she thinks it will come in time. Who knows? One thing I do know, my family is complicated! Always has been and, I am pretty sure, always will be! But I don't know if I would change it if I could. Its the way things have always been. Its oddly comfortable, familiar.
I will stop rambling....and keep trying to make things work with my crazy and trying family!!

Enjoying a glorious day!

This is the view from my porch at the apartment. Its my most favorite time of the year. Almost Fall. The sky is sooo blue. Grass is still green. Leaves are just starting to change. If I wanted to get married out side this would be the time of year that I would pick. I would get married on a clear fall day, close to sunset. I love the sunsets this time of year. So it is such a day that I find myself setting outside. Listening to Doris Day and drinking Sweet tea! I have the whole day off. No Lifeway and no Kroger. I almost don't know what to do with my self. I wish that I was a person who could just window shop. If I was I would be in downtown Franklin strolling through all the cute little shops. But I ALWAYS find something I HAVE to have. Too good of a deal to pass up, whether I have the money or not. So I stay away. I did get up this morning and go have lunch with Joshua. I called Sharon last night and she said it was his Marvelous Me week and so it would be perfect if I could go have lunch with him. Grandma was also there and so Elizabeth and Olivia came and set with us. It was big fun. Joshua to my camera and below are the results.

He asked me to set the timer and so that's how we got the 2 good ones of him. The others were just him being crazy.

The crazy cousins. Elizabeth, Olivia and Joshua. They are are too funny!! I had a great time visiting with them. After I said goodbye to them and Grandma, I went and saw some friends there at the school and my Andrew. He and Sarah were in class but I thought I would catch Andrew at recess or lunch. I wasn't even going to try and see Sarah. She would have gone ballistic. Whenever she sees me she wants to stay with me. So I wanted to save Mrs Brenda from having to deal with a crazy Sarah. But I did catch up with Andrew in his class and got to visit with him and his classmates and teachers. I was glad to see that he seemed to be doing really well. He is soo dear to my heart and it just thrills me to see him thriving in class. With all his problems I am glad to see that it hasn't slowed him down at all. In fact he seems to do better. After I had visited with him, I headed out to the car but I saw Joshua's teacher from a year or two ago and so I had to say hi. While I was visiting with them Andrew came running out on to the playground, screaming my name. Makes me soo happy to have a little child yell for me because they are excited to see me. So I grabbed him up and snapped this picture.

Sorry for the visible green gum. I forget that it shows up soo well. But isn't he just the cutest thing ever?! I love him sooo much!! After spending the day with 2/3 of my kids made me really really miss them. Don't get me wrong, I glad to be at Lifefway. But I miss the kids. and seeing them grow up. Finding out that Sarah peepeed in the potty for the first time yesterday and I wasn't there, really made me sad. How crazy is that?! Today was the kind of day that we would have spent hanging out at Granny White Park. Me setting in the swing. Kids running around. But at least I still can go see them. They are close enough to go and spend time with them.

Okay well, I did have a lot more that I wanted to say but I will save that for later. I have been setting out on the floor of the deck for quite some time and quite frankly, my bum is about die!!So cheerio for now! Ta!