Music has always been a form of communication for me. In a previous post, I mentioned how I have certain styles of music for certain times in my life. I have also learned how to read music, even shaped notes (Google them to see what I mean) and how to play music. One thing that has always been sure thing is that I always learn something when I hear music. I can learn a new song. I can learn a new style. I can learn that I don’t like that song or singer. I can learn about an idea that had never entered my mind before. I can learn something about myself that, because of the song, I now know. I mean, honestly, if you think about it, the first way we ALL learn a few things is through song. Hellooo…ABCs?! Or Clean up! Clean up, everybody! Or the books of the Bible. I even had a teacher that taught us the US Presidents thru a song. And wasn’t there a tv show that the whole premise was on learning through song? A little program called School House Rock…
In the Bible we have so many accounts of people using Music for worship or for expressing their emotion. The Psalms are nothing but music! In Deuteronomy 31 the Lord tells Moses that his time on earth is almost up and to bring Joshua to a commissioning service. It was a time for just the three of them to talk about all that was about to change for the people of Israel. He tells them that the Israelites would forsake their covenant with Him and God would turn His face from them. He told them how they would question whether or not God was with them. God specifically wanted Joshua to learn a song of how God promised to fulfill the oath he had made them and to deliver them to the Promised Land. In verse 19 it says “Now write down for yourselves this song and teach it to the Israelites and have them sing it, so that it may be a witness for me against them.” God knew they would rebel. He knew that they would blame him for not being there. He knew that, by teaching them a song that recounts His forewarning of what would come, they would be forced to realize his faithfulness and how he did do what he promised, he brought them to the land flowing with milk and honey. But the point I want to focus on is that He knew that teaching them all that in a song was the best way to guarantee that it would survive each generation. I love that God, being the awesome God he is, used a song to teach the children of Israel!
We all have songs that we’ve known for so long we don’t even remember learning. It’s like we were born with that song in our head. Unfortunately, we all have also had the awful “joy” of having an annoying song STUCK in our head for days…it just keeps playing over and over and over until one of two things happen: 1. You end up loving the song. 2. It causes a physical reaction to take place whenever you hear it. I’ve got several of both but the one that jumps to mind right off the bat is Phil Collins’, I Can Feel It… Oh My STARS! I can NOT stand that song! It just gets on my nerves! Seriously!
Lately I’ve been listening to Christian radio…it’s been a long time since I did that. I have to admit that, while I love Christian music, Christian radio can sometimes get on my nerves. I’ve already proven that I’m an eclectic sort of girl when it comes to music so when a radio station plays the same 10-15 songs over and over again, I get a lil frustrated! Thank the Lord for cds! And Ipods! However in my listening recently, I’ve heard some pretty awesome songs. Songs that make me stop and listen and wish that I could rewind it to hear it from the beginning. Whenever that does happen, I will send a text to my email so that I can look the song up when I get home. I’ve tried to hope to remember that song and the title but more often than not, I didn’t. One of the songs that has been on the radio a lot lately and all up in my bidness, is Addison Road’s, What Do I Know of Holy? GeezLouise, that song is amazing! Totally makes me stop and listen every time I hear it! It has such a true and honest message in it. I don’t know if it’s a song that everyone knows and I’m just now getting to the party or not, but I’m putting it on here because it’s amazing and I think everyone should know about it. I’d love to know what anyone thinks about the song…I’m always up to hear people’s opinions and what the song makes you think/feel.
Love,
Nikki
PS Mkay, so I'm having technical difficulties tonight/morning and can't get the silly video to post from YouTube...so I just added the link to click on...sorry!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EAg_YWsX6Dg&feature=related#watch-main-area
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Thursday, February 11, 2010
So Long, Farewell, Auf Wiedersehen, Adieu to you Insecurity...
Today was the book signing for Beth Moore's book, So long, Insecurity. I took the day off from work to be able to go and meet with friends and see Beth. Totally worth it!
The first stop was Lifeway...the same store I used to work for and still go there all the time...Because Mike, the manager of the store, let me come in early and not have to wait in the cold, I told him I would do whatever he needed...I mean, I had the day off so I could stay and help around the store if he needed me. I could direct traffic, help the customers, answer the phones...heck, I could even imprint Bibles if he needed me to! I was just happy to be there. After standing in line for a while and visiting with my new friends, it was time for Beth to come out. We're sitting there watching her doing an interview and I notice Mike is trying to get my attention...he needs me to make a coffee run...for Beth and Michelle, her awesome Assistant!! Um, can you say excited?! Cause that's what I was! I have always wanted to be able to spend some time with Beth while we had the obligatory Starbucks so I was more than happy to do it! Course, we didn't SIT together and drink our coffee and there was a very good chance she probably would not ever know that it was me that got it, but I would know! I told my new friends that I had an errand to run that wouldn't take long and to not leave before I got back...we had to take a picture! They looked at me like I had lost my flippin' mind! Here I was, running out of line after spending a couple of hours waiting...insane! But it was worth to be able to serve Beth in a very small way. I knew that she probably didn't get very much sleep last night and, if it were me, would be living on coffee today! So out I went, flying to Starbucks! Got back and didn't spill a drop! I was soo scared I would get back, walk in the door and drop all of them! While I was sitting at a Red light I decided to write a 'lil note on the cups. I didn't know which of the drinks were for Beth and which was for Michelle, so I wrote "You Rock! -<3 Nikki Poppins" on both of them. I wasn't going to say anything because I didn't want to make a big deal of it, but Michelle saw the You Rock part first and loved it! I passed Beth in the back room at Lifeway and was going to head on out but stopped to say hi to Michelle. She is soo nice and too cute for words! We had a lil chat and Beth was meeting some people from Lifeway head quarters, so I decided to slide back out into line. As I was walking out the door, Beth comes and gets her drink from Michelle and sees my note. I didn't see her look at but all of the sudden I hear, "NIKKI!!!! Did you get my coffee?!?!" I turn around and grinned! I said yes and she came over and gave me a hug! We talked for a second about my blog name and she asked if I saw where she gave me a shout out on her blog. I told her I did and she asked if I had responded because she hadn't been able to check and didn't know. I said I did. She thanked me for getting her coffee and then she had to go meet some more corporate people. I turn around and Mike is standing there laughing at me because of the whole NikkiPoppins thing and that Beth called me out...I just smiled real big and kept on going! I was soo excited that that moment had happened! I was able to do something for the woman who has touched my life in such a huge way and taught me so much about the Bible and God. I love to be able to bless someone with a surprise cup of coffee or a Gigi's Cupcake or something else they may like...just because. God has blessed me with so many wonderful friends and mentors in my life and little treats like that are my way of saying Thank You and I'm so grateful to have you in my life. It's not much and nowhere near what I'd love to be able to do but I hope that it's something that maybe will make their day easier. So being able to get Beth her coffee was the biggest blessing to ME...I loved every minute of the running around!!
I was so glad to get back in line with my new friends...they were so gracious and let me step back in with them! All of them were worried that I wouldn't make it back in time...such precious ladies! After we all went through the line and stood on the other side of the table, we just huddled back up and kept right on talking. So great! We decided to pass out contact info and stay in touch. We're going to read the book and then meet back up in a month to talk about it. How awesome is that?! I told a friend of mine last night that I love coming to things like this because, as awesome and exciting it was to see Beth, I love the chance to get to meet new friends. You never know who you're going to meet in a book signing line...it could be a friend that you pour into each other for just that time or it could be someone that is going to be a vital part of the rest of your life! You seriously just never know! That is honestly one of my favorite parts!
After the book signing in Lifeway, Beth and Michelle were heading to Borders downtown. I went down there and met up with Abby and Kate.
It was a completely different scenario down there. Not as crowded, chairs for us and a lectern for her, and waay laid back! It was so great! We got in line and slowly worked our way up to Beth...she was able to spend more time with each person and actually chat with them. You could tell how much she loved it! She was so excited about the whole thing! When I got up there, I got another book signed and had it signed for my mom. A surprise that I hope she will like! I stood back and took pics of Abby and Kate since I had already seen and had my picture made with Beth. They were soo cute talking with her...Kate had a phone call while she was standing there talking to Beth. She totally answered it saying, Hello? Um I'm talking to Beth Moore right now...I'm going to call you back." And then hung up! How funny is that?! Beth positively cracked up!! So great!
Abby had a t-shirt for Beth that said Siesta Forever on it...so perfect! Beth loved it and Abby immediately told her that she didn't think Beth was an XL but the shirts just run reaally small, and asked that Beth not think she(Abby) thought Beth was big or anything. Everyone cracked up about that and Michelle held the shirt up and was like, there is nothing in this shirt that makes me think it would be an XL. It was soo funny!
After Beth was able to meet everyone in line and sign a few extra books for the store, she hopped up on the table and had a Q&A time with us all...with the chairs there, she kept saying she felt like she was in class and needed to tell us to turn our Bibles to Matt or Luke or something. Of course the room immediately said, go ahead...we will definitely listen! Lol! The Q&A time was so nice because the questions ranged from Movies and Mascara to the difference between "The Lord's Day & Sabbath" and why she is so passionate about insecurity in women. We laughed and I know there were some tears...in a way that is only Beth Moore, she ended the discussion by praying over us.
Beth Moore is amazing and I want to be her when I grow up! I'm anxious to get started in the book because like every other woman in the world, I have got my own insecurities. Those realized and those I'm not even really aware of. I have to say that I'm excited and slightly scared all at the same time...an insecurity if you will. I'm excited to learn about insecurity and what God says about them but scared too because there's the whold, having/trying to deal with what you learn thing that scares me. It's something that I've sort of been discovering about myself in the last year. And it's something that needs to be dealt with. So here I go...
The first stop was Lifeway...the same store I used to work for and still go there all the time...Because Mike, the manager of the store, let me come in early and not have to wait in the cold, I told him I would do whatever he needed...I mean, I had the day off so I could stay and help around the store if he needed me. I could direct traffic, help the customers, answer the phones...heck, I could even imprint Bibles if he needed me to! I was just happy to be there. After standing in line for a while and visiting with my new friends, it was time for Beth to come out. We're sitting there watching her doing an interview and I notice Mike is trying to get my attention...he needs me to make a coffee run...for Beth and Michelle, her awesome Assistant!! Um, can you say excited?! Cause that's what I was! I have always wanted to be able to spend some time with Beth while we had the obligatory Starbucks so I was more than happy to do it! Course, we didn't SIT together and drink our coffee and there was a very good chance she probably would not ever know that it was me that got it, but I would know! I told my new friends that I had an errand to run that wouldn't take long and to not leave before I got back...we had to take a picture! They looked at me like I had lost my flippin' mind! Here I was, running out of line after spending a couple of hours waiting...insane! But it was worth to be able to serve Beth in a very small way. I knew that she probably didn't get very much sleep last night and, if it were me, would be living on coffee today! So out I went, flying to Starbucks! Got back and didn't spill a drop! I was soo scared I would get back, walk in the door and drop all of them! While I was sitting at a Red light I decided to write a 'lil note on the cups. I didn't know which of the drinks were for Beth and which was for Michelle, so I wrote "You Rock! -<3 Nikki Poppins" on both of them. I wasn't going to say anything because I didn't want to make a big deal of it, but Michelle saw the You Rock part first and loved it! I passed Beth in the back room at Lifeway and was going to head on out but stopped to say hi to Michelle. She is soo nice and too cute for words! We had a lil chat and Beth was meeting some people from Lifeway head quarters, so I decided to slide back out into line. As I was walking out the door, Beth comes and gets her drink from Michelle and sees my note. I didn't see her look at but all of the sudden I hear, "NIKKI!!!! Did you get my coffee?!?!" I turn around and grinned! I said yes and she came over and gave me a hug! We talked for a second about my blog name and she asked if I saw where she gave me a shout out on her blog. I told her I did and she asked if I had responded because she hadn't been able to check and didn't know. I said I did. She thanked me for getting her coffee and then she had to go meet some more corporate people. I turn around and Mike is standing there laughing at me because of the whole NikkiPoppins thing and that Beth called me out...I just smiled real big and kept on going! I was soo excited that that moment had happened! I was able to do something for the woman who has touched my life in such a huge way and taught me so much about the Bible and God. I love to be able to bless someone with a surprise cup of coffee or a Gigi's Cupcake or something else they may like...just because. God has blessed me with so many wonderful friends and mentors in my life and little treats like that are my way of saying Thank You and I'm so grateful to have you in my life. It's not much and nowhere near what I'd love to be able to do but I hope that it's something that maybe will make their day easier. So being able to get Beth her coffee was the biggest blessing to ME...I loved every minute of the running around!!
I was so glad to get back in line with my new friends...they were so gracious and let me step back in with them! All of them were worried that I wouldn't make it back in time...such precious ladies! After we all went through the line and stood on the other side of the table, we just huddled back up and kept right on talking. So great! We decided to pass out contact info and stay in touch. We're going to read the book and then meet back up in a month to talk about it. How awesome is that?! I told a friend of mine last night that I love coming to things like this because, as awesome and exciting it was to see Beth, I love the chance to get to meet new friends. You never know who you're going to meet in a book signing line...it could be a friend that you pour into each other for just that time or it could be someone that is going to be a vital part of the rest of your life! You seriously just never know! That is honestly one of my favorite parts!
After the book signing in Lifeway, Beth and Michelle were heading to Borders downtown. I went down there and met up with Abby and Kate.
It was a completely different scenario down there. Not as crowded, chairs for us and a lectern for her, and waay laid back! It was so great! We got in line and slowly worked our way up to Beth...she was able to spend more time with each person and actually chat with them. You could tell how much she loved it! She was so excited about the whole thing! When I got up there, I got another book signed and had it signed for my mom. A surprise that I hope she will like! I stood back and took pics of Abby and Kate since I had already seen and had my picture made with Beth. They were soo cute talking with her...Kate had a phone call while she was standing there talking to Beth. She totally answered it saying, Hello? Um I'm talking to Beth Moore right now...I'm going to call you back." And then hung up! How funny is that?! Beth positively cracked up!! So great!
Abby had a t-shirt for Beth that said Siesta Forever on it...so perfect! Beth loved it and Abby immediately told her that she didn't think Beth was an XL but the shirts just run reaally small, and asked that Beth not think she(Abby) thought Beth was big or anything. Everyone cracked up about that and Michelle held the shirt up and was like, there is nothing in this shirt that makes me think it would be an XL. It was soo funny!
After Beth was able to meet everyone in line and sign a few extra books for the store, she hopped up on the table and had a Q&A time with us all...with the chairs there, she kept saying she felt like she was in class and needed to tell us to turn our Bibles to Matt or Luke or something. Of course the room immediately said, go ahead...we will definitely listen! Lol! The Q&A time was so nice because the questions ranged from Movies and Mascara to the difference between "The Lord's Day & Sabbath" and why she is so passionate about insecurity in women. We laughed and I know there were some tears...in a way that is only Beth Moore, she ended the discussion by praying over us.
Beth Moore is amazing and I want to be her when I grow up! I'm anxious to get started in the book because like every other woman in the world, I have got my own insecurities. Those realized and those I'm not even really aware of. I have to say that I'm excited and slightly scared all at the same time...an insecurity if you will. I'm excited to learn about insecurity and what God says about them but scared too because there's the whold, having/trying to deal with what you learn thing that scares me. It's something that I've sort of been discovering about myself in the last year. And it's something that needs to be dealt with. So here I go...
This was such a great day...I was able to go, grab coffee and doughnuts for my friends/former coworkers at Lifeway, meet some super sweet new friends in the waiting line, and see Beth. All in one day, and I soo wore the wrong shoes for it, but totally worth it! Oh and one final note...Beth likes my tattoo! ;)
Saturday, February 6, 2010
Random thought on a chilly Saturday...
I'm keeping my three little cousins this weekend...
Ridge is 3
Banks is 8
I was telling one of my friends about how I was turning into a single mom with Three kids for the weekend and she said that it was good birth control! She said that she would probably never want kids after a weekend like this. Well, I still want kids but I would like to go on record as saying, I am soo glad that they don't come out these ages. I am not sure how I would feel if we were to have a child and they came out as 8 or 6 instead of newborn! These ages, especially 8, wear me out faster than anything else... This is the age of smarty pants, sassy britches and know it all sighs. And nothing makes me want to smack 'em faster. This weekend we've dealt with getting in trouble for being disrespectful at school, falling down the stairs and bashing our ear against the stair gate, potty training, and birthday parties. Actually we still have one more party to go before we're all done for the weekend. Banks has one this evening and then is being picked up from the party by his granddad and mimi. Sally, Ridge and I are going to come back and crash...they are going with me to church tomorrow. I'm looking forward to taking them with me. I love going and doing things with kids. Even normal mundane thingss become fun when you have a kid with you. Yesterday, Ridge and I went and ate lunch at Jason's and even though he's only 3 and not very talkative, we had a great lunch. I've found that he tends to be more talkative when it's just him and me. It was a sweet little visit with him.
Ridge is 3
Banks is 8
Sally is almost 6
I was telling one of my friends about how I was turning into a single mom with Three kids for the weekend and she said that it was good birth control! She said that she would probably never want kids after a weekend like this. Well, I still want kids but I would like to go on record as saying, I am soo glad that they don't come out these ages. I am not sure how I would feel if we were to have a child and they came out as 8 or 6 instead of newborn! These ages, especially 8, wear me out faster than anything else... This is the age of smarty pants, sassy britches and know it all sighs. And nothing makes me want to smack 'em faster. This weekend we've dealt with getting in trouble for being disrespectful at school, falling down the stairs and bashing our ear against the stair gate, potty training, and birthday parties. Actually we still have one more party to go before we're all done for the weekend. Banks has one this evening and then is being picked up from the party by his granddad and mimi. Sally, Ridge and I are going to come back and crash...they are going with me to church tomorrow. I'm looking forward to taking them with me. I love going and doing things with kids. Even normal mundane thingss become fun when you have a kid with you. Yesterday, Ridge and I went and ate lunch at Jason's and even though he's only 3 and not very talkative, we had a great lunch. I've found that he tends to be more talkative when it's just him and me. It was a sweet little visit with him.
So anyways, I just wanted to drop in and say that I'm very glad that the good Lord blesses us with children as newborns instead of toddlers and elementary age kids!
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
A Ginormous Recap...
Wow…it’s been a while. I’m not really even going to try and recap all that’s been going on. It’s been a long time since I wrote. I can’t even tell you how many times I’ve pulled up a new doc to start a new post and then got distracted at work or wherever. For some reason I just can’t write when I’m at home…I’m actually at Panera. Oh, how I love Panera! Their free Wifi and Toffee Nut cookies are the best ever!
I think one of the last things I wrote was about the car wreck and all the drama that that entails…and that was in January! Already a year! Craziness! God has brought me so far this year…in soo many areas. It’s been an emotional, hard, difficult, awesome, mind blowing, scary and so exciting year. A journey. God has been wooing me for several years and I’ve sort of just ignored His call. I have been shown through so many things that God loves me, He is a faithful God, He is not going to force me to do anything, He is a funny God, He wants to be the most important person in my life, He wants to be my everything. I have come to a point of where I can honestly say, I’m scared of completely letting go and giving Him control but at the same time, I’m so excited to see what’s going to come from it. I have come too far to turn back now. It’s been a long road and a hard road to get to this point. I have learned things about myself that I didn’t know were there, things that I would have never thought could have applied to me. In the learning of these traits or issues, I have finally allowed myself to become vulnerable and try to work through them. Things like, a strong need to be in control…aka a control freak! Now, in my mind a control freak was someone who was neat and organized, had lists and sort of OCD. That is most definitely not me! I am nowhere neat, and the organization in my life can only be defined as organized chaos! I make lists, only to forget them at home! For me, being a control freak is more a need to know what’s going to happen. I need to be in control because I can work on it, know what I’m working toward and have it done the way I want. In this year, God has been showing me that I can’t have it both ways…I can’t sit and pray for Him to show me His will and claim that He is Lord of my life, and then not let go of the reins. It’s like I was sitting there with the remote control, saying, “God, you pick what we watch…but I’m going to keep the remote.” That’s not really letting Him pick…I still have the control to decide whether or not I stop on the channel He decides. That is not surrender. That is not letting go and letting God. And yet that is what I have claimed to have done in my past, and what He desires most from us. I have always, sort of taken comfort in Ps 37:4. “Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart.” Well, first of all, I always sort of blew right past that first part…the whole delighting in the Lord part…It’s only been in the last couple of years that I really even noticed that part. And it’s key!! So I started trying to make some changes in my life…changes in my priorities. All good changes, but to be honest, the only reason I was doing them was to get what I wanted…to get the desires of my heart. Now, how is that letting go? Is that true delight? I’m thinking not. While the changes I was making were technically good changes, the motivation behind my making those changes were not. I was still working according to my own plan. My own desires. I went on and sort of just said, well, I’ve made the changes. I’ve started reading my bible and going to church more. I’ve been praying for my husband, praying that I would wait for His time and His plan. But, and that’s a big but, I didn’t do it for the right reason, and so I started to feel like I wasn’t getting through to Him, like He wasn’t listening and so I felt let down. Was I mad at God? No, I really don’t think so, I sort of had the mentality of, now, this doesn’t make any sense…I am trying to do what you have commanded us to do, and not live in sin, but all these other people who are dwelling in sin are getting what I want. They are getting married and having kids and they don’t care about whether or not they are living according to your word! I was more disappointed and feeling let down than angry.
So God had sort of been dropping hints, boulder sized one, all year long about this thing…about my true motivation, my surrendering to His will and letting go of the control. I mean, I was getting it from everyone and every possible situation. Every sermon, even at different churches, every song and every book/devotional would talk about how God wants nothing more than to have us completely surrender and wanting to be in complete control of our lives! Hellurr…I mean, I was starting to expect it! All these hints started to make me look deep into my heart and soul. I started breaking down everything that I have believed and lived my life according to…from going to church, to the meaning of Worship. Here did these beliefs come from? From my parents? The church? God? It’s a little disconcerting to go through this time after being raised in church, because one of the first things you have to overcome is your pride. I didn’t realize that Pride was such an issue for me but God showed me, in several painful and even hysterically funny ways that it is. I had to overcome the fact that everyone expected me to have already sort of mastered this thing called the Christian Walk. I felt like I couldn’t really say that I was questioning things about my life and God. Not that I doubted my salvation but that I was making it my own. I firmly believe that that is something that everyone has to do. When we try to live our lives based on our parents and family’s beliefs, we are doing nothing more than playing a part. We act according to the role we were born into. I never really did any research about God, Christianity and faith. I just took what my parents raised me to do and how they were doing it, and copied after them. So I learned the part of a good little Christian girl…and I learned it well. Now, I’m at the wonderful age of 29 and I’m being called to admit that I don’t have it. I don’t read my bible every day. I don’t pray every day. I hadn’t surrendered all. But I could sing that song better than anyone…I even know the page number it’s on. (Page 275 in the Baptist Hymnal, the 1991 edition, if you were wondering.) I could sing it, all the verses and yet it was empty. I no more meant those words than when I sing I Was Born a Coal Miner’s Daughter or something like that…cause we all know I was not born to a coal miner. But I could sing those words. That doesn’t make it true though, does it? That’s what I was being made to realize. I’ve also found out by talking with my family and friends that it’s something that everyone struggles with. And no one told me this because?!?!? Not saying that knowing that others have been through this season would have made a huge hill of beans difference, it could have. I know that it wouldn’t have been something I felt I had to hide or be ashamed about. Knowing that you are not the first going through this makes it easier to bear for some reason. Maybe it’s just because the others are a tangible sign that you can make it through this time. Or that there are people who can give advice. I know one of the biggest things that bothered me when I was initially going through this time, was the fact that some people didn’t want to talk about their faith. I didn’t doubt their faith or salvation but I was like, hellurr, we’re supposed to share our faith with others and if you can’t share it with someone who’s not going to attack you over it, than who can you share it with? Or how will you be able to? I seriously was asking everyone, why do you think we do… or why is this the way you do it… did your parents raise you in that way… did you ever even question any of their/your actions… The list of questions went on and on. I could tell that I was upsetting some people, especially some of my family. They thought I was trying to attack or rebel or something, I don’t know. I knew that I wasn’t but expressing my opinion or thoughts is not always easy for me when I’m talking with them. It’s totally true what they say about the hardest relationships in our lives will be those with our family. I’m going to have to do a whole other post on that subject…believe me, it’s a doozy!
So I’m going to wrap this one up because I need to get to my eye doctors and figure out how much worse my eyesight is! Yay for getting older! I will do my best to wait as long for the next post. There are so many different ideas and thoughts running about in my head that I have got to get them out…God’s been showing and teaching me so much, I could write for days!
Thanks for reading...
I think one of the last things I wrote was about the car wreck and all the drama that that entails…and that was in January! Already a year! Craziness! God has brought me so far this year…in soo many areas. It’s been an emotional, hard, difficult, awesome, mind blowing, scary and so exciting year. A journey. God has been wooing me for several years and I’ve sort of just ignored His call. I have been shown through so many things that God loves me, He is a faithful God, He is not going to force me to do anything, He is a funny God, He wants to be the most important person in my life, He wants to be my everything. I have come to a point of where I can honestly say, I’m scared of completely letting go and giving Him control but at the same time, I’m so excited to see what’s going to come from it. I have come too far to turn back now. It’s been a long road and a hard road to get to this point. I have learned things about myself that I didn’t know were there, things that I would have never thought could have applied to me. In the learning of these traits or issues, I have finally allowed myself to become vulnerable and try to work through them. Things like, a strong need to be in control…aka a control freak! Now, in my mind a control freak was someone who was neat and organized, had lists and sort of OCD. That is most definitely not me! I am nowhere neat, and the organization in my life can only be defined as organized chaos! I make lists, only to forget them at home! For me, being a control freak is more a need to know what’s going to happen. I need to be in control because I can work on it, know what I’m working toward and have it done the way I want. In this year, God has been showing me that I can’t have it both ways…I can’t sit and pray for Him to show me His will and claim that He is Lord of my life, and then not let go of the reins. It’s like I was sitting there with the remote control, saying, “God, you pick what we watch…but I’m going to keep the remote.” That’s not really letting Him pick…I still have the control to decide whether or not I stop on the channel He decides. That is not surrender. That is not letting go and letting God. And yet that is what I have claimed to have done in my past, and what He desires most from us. I have always, sort of taken comfort in Ps 37:4. “Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart.” Well, first of all, I always sort of blew right past that first part…the whole delighting in the Lord part…It’s only been in the last couple of years that I really even noticed that part. And it’s key!! So I started trying to make some changes in my life…changes in my priorities. All good changes, but to be honest, the only reason I was doing them was to get what I wanted…to get the desires of my heart. Now, how is that letting go? Is that true delight? I’m thinking not. While the changes I was making were technically good changes, the motivation behind my making those changes were not. I was still working according to my own plan. My own desires. I went on and sort of just said, well, I’ve made the changes. I’ve started reading my bible and going to church more. I’ve been praying for my husband, praying that I would wait for His time and His plan. But, and that’s a big but, I didn’t do it for the right reason, and so I started to feel like I wasn’t getting through to Him, like He wasn’t listening and so I felt let down. Was I mad at God? No, I really don’t think so, I sort of had the mentality of, now, this doesn’t make any sense…I am trying to do what you have commanded us to do, and not live in sin, but all these other people who are dwelling in sin are getting what I want. They are getting married and having kids and they don’t care about whether or not they are living according to your word! I was more disappointed and feeling let down than angry.
So God had sort of been dropping hints, boulder sized one, all year long about this thing…about my true motivation, my surrendering to His will and letting go of the control. I mean, I was getting it from everyone and every possible situation. Every sermon, even at different churches, every song and every book/devotional would talk about how God wants nothing more than to have us completely surrender and wanting to be in complete control of our lives! Hellurr…I mean, I was starting to expect it! All these hints started to make me look deep into my heart and soul. I started breaking down everything that I have believed and lived my life according to…from going to church, to the meaning of Worship. Here did these beliefs come from? From my parents? The church? God? It’s a little disconcerting to go through this time after being raised in church, because one of the first things you have to overcome is your pride. I didn’t realize that Pride was such an issue for me but God showed me, in several painful and even hysterically funny ways that it is. I had to overcome the fact that everyone expected me to have already sort of mastered this thing called the Christian Walk. I felt like I couldn’t really say that I was questioning things about my life and God. Not that I doubted my salvation but that I was making it my own. I firmly believe that that is something that everyone has to do. When we try to live our lives based on our parents and family’s beliefs, we are doing nothing more than playing a part. We act according to the role we were born into. I never really did any research about God, Christianity and faith. I just took what my parents raised me to do and how they were doing it, and copied after them. So I learned the part of a good little Christian girl…and I learned it well. Now, I’m at the wonderful age of 29 and I’m being called to admit that I don’t have it. I don’t read my bible every day. I don’t pray every day. I hadn’t surrendered all. But I could sing that song better than anyone…I even know the page number it’s on. (Page 275 in the Baptist Hymnal, the 1991 edition, if you were wondering.) I could sing it, all the verses and yet it was empty. I no more meant those words than when I sing I Was Born a Coal Miner’s Daughter or something like that…cause we all know I was not born to a coal miner. But I could sing those words. That doesn’t make it true though, does it? That’s what I was being made to realize. I’ve also found out by talking with my family and friends that it’s something that everyone struggles with. And no one told me this because?!?!? Not saying that knowing that others have been through this season would have made a huge hill of beans difference, it could have. I know that it wouldn’t have been something I felt I had to hide or be ashamed about. Knowing that you are not the first going through this makes it easier to bear for some reason. Maybe it’s just because the others are a tangible sign that you can make it through this time. Or that there are people who can give advice. I know one of the biggest things that bothered me when I was initially going through this time, was the fact that some people didn’t want to talk about their faith. I didn’t doubt their faith or salvation but I was like, hellurr, we’re supposed to share our faith with others and if you can’t share it with someone who’s not going to attack you over it, than who can you share it with? Or how will you be able to? I seriously was asking everyone, why do you think we do… or why is this the way you do it… did your parents raise you in that way… did you ever even question any of their/your actions… The list of questions went on and on. I could tell that I was upsetting some people, especially some of my family. They thought I was trying to attack or rebel or something, I don’t know. I knew that I wasn’t but expressing my opinion or thoughts is not always easy for me when I’m talking with them. It’s totally true what they say about the hardest relationships in our lives will be those with our family. I’m going to have to do a whole other post on that subject…believe me, it’s a doozy!
So I’m going to wrap this one up because I need to get to my eye doctors and figure out how much worse my eyesight is! Yay for getting older! I will do my best to wait as long for the next post. There are so many different ideas and thoughts running about in my head that I have got to get them out…God’s been showing and teaching me so much, I could write for days!
Thanks for reading...
Saturday, November 21, 2009
A random post about Music...
I love music.
I love lots of different kinds of music. *Notice I did not say ALL kinds of music. I really have a hard time with Rap(although I will bust out a little DC Talk every now and again.) and I really can’t do a lot of that New Age instrumental stuff…
I love the way we have certain kinds of music that we “need” when we are in a certain mood. Being goofy with friends requires Soundtracks…preferably old school Disney, i.e. Little Mermaid, Aladdin, Beauty and the Beast, Mary Poppins (A must!), Sound of Music(Duh), Annie, and the list goes on and on…
If I’m in a “get it done” mood, I need Kelly Clarkson, Reba, Big Band, Standards i.e. Bing Crosby, Rosemary Clooney, Frank Sinatra, Sarah Vaughan, Doris Day, Julie London, etc. There are some soundtracks that I need for this time too… Hairspray, Mamma Mia!, Princess Diaries 2…
If I’m in a “get my praise on” mood, I absolutely MUST have Brooklyn Tabernacle Choir…nothing gets me into a praise time faster that havin’ church with the BTC. I mean, when you have them singing “How Great Thou Art”, or “Days of Elijah”, or “I Bowed On My Knees and Cried Holy” or “Thou, O Lord”, it’s almost impossible to not have church. I also need CeCe, Travis Cottrell and the Living Proof team, and my home church, Fairview Baptist Tabernacle, has recorded 2 cds that are amazing! Partly because I know everyone on there, and also because they really rock!
If I’m in a “need to ponder the great things of life” mood, I like to have Fernando Ortega, Chris Rice, Norah Jones, Josh Groban…and, believe it or not I have some soundtracks for this mood as well! ;) Love the Notebook because it bounces back and forth between slow and jazzy and happy and swinging…good for the constantly changing moods that come when you ponder the great things of life.
If I’m in a “want to feel like a kid in church again” mood, there is only one kind of music that will do. Hymns…I LOVE hymns! I think I probably have more hymn compilation cds than any other type of music. I have instrumental hymns, I have classic hymns, I have modern hymns, and a host of countless other varieties…I’m not sure if I could pick my favorite style…there are some times when only the good old classic style will do. And not just the typical hymns either. You know the ones I’m talking about…Amazing Grace, How Great Thou Art, Just As I Am, Tis So Sweet to Trust in Jesus, Sweet Hour of Prayer, and the list goes on. No, my favorites are ones that most people haven’t heard of, or if they have they are typically a little older than me! ;) Hymns like Day by Day(Not the one from Godspell), Wonderful, the Matchless Grace of Jesus, Breathe On Me, Be Still My Soul, He Keeps Me Singing, Heavenly Sunlight, Heaven Came Down, Lead Me to Calvary, and I seriously could go on and on…there are soo many songs that have changed my life in different ways. Songs that when I hear them, I am instantly transported to a specific time and place or a person comes to mind because it could have been their favorite hymn. There are some songs that I smile soo big when I sing them because I remember singing them with my sister or family…while we would never mock the hymn or the powerful words that we’re singing about, we would sing it in a certain style or change up the rhythm or something…just for fun, and it was all because we loved the song. For instance, whenever I sing He Keeps Me Singing, and my sister isn’t there, I have to keep myself from adding the words “in my heart” after “Fills my every longing” or saying Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, really fast instead of the way it’s written. And just now, I think I know where we got that…my Great Grandfather on my Mom’s side was a Nazarene Preacher and he also sang. My whole family grew up singing and I’m pretty sure I can remember at some family gathering, we started a family hymn sing…someone must have changed up the chorus of He Keeps Me Singing. It’s fun and when you think about the words you’re singing…There’s within my heart a melody, Jesus whispers sweet and low, Fear not I am with thee, Keeps me singing as I go…it totally fits to have a great big smile on your face as you sing it!
A lot of the time people associate hymns with old school, old church, behind the times and the elderly…and it really ticks me off! I mean, seriously, why in the world do we feel the need to try and hide the fact that we like hymns? Or that we even enjoy singing them? When I say that I love hymns I tend to get a look like, really? Eww, I mean, they are soo old or boring…but the truth of the matter is, most people today don’t want to think when they sing…I’ve heard some people say that they don’t understand half the words used in the old hymns, like in A Mighty Fortress when it says a Bulwark never failing…who knows what a Bulwark is? No one? Okay then, let’s not sing it. *sigh* I did not intend for this to turn out into this sort of post, but I just get really upset when people try to belittle the hymns and all the great melodies and words that are in them. To me it’s a sign of disrespect and judgmental to act like your music is better and holier than the old hymns. Now, hear me…I’m not saying that everyone is this way, or that everyone has to love hymns. But I do think that it shouldn’t be something that turns your nose up or makes you shut down when you hear it start up. Nor do I think it should be any different for those who don’t like the modern day hymns or the praise and worship that is in a lot of churches today. I just think that a lot of importance is misplaced and I wish it wasn’t so. If there is something I can do to keep the future generations from forgetting about the hymns then I will do it…I will play the baby hymn cd in the nursery of my child, I will buy the VeggieTales and let my kids learn the hymns through Bob and Larry singing to them in the car and I will teach my kids how to learn to read musical parts from the good old hymnal.
Sometimes music becomes something that distracts us. Sometimes it becomes something that will uplift us. Sometimes music becomes the avenue in which God speaks to us. Sometimes He will use a song that we have heard all of our life and this time, we will hear something that we have never heard before and it will totally change our life. Music can play such a big role in our life. It’s up to us if we let it be a positive one or a negative one.
I love lots of different kinds of music. *Notice I did not say ALL kinds of music. I really have a hard time with Rap(although I will bust out a little DC Talk every now and again.) and I really can’t do a lot of that New Age instrumental stuff…
I love the way we have certain kinds of music that we “need” when we are in a certain mood. Being goofy with friends requires Soundtracks…preferably old school Disney, i.e. Little Mermaid, Aladdin, Beauty and the Beast, Mary Poppins (A must!), Sound of Music(Duh), Annie, and the list goes on and on…
If I’m in a “get it done” mood, I need Kelly Clarkson, Reba, Big Band, Standards i.e. Bing Crosby, Rosemary Clooney, Frank Sinatra, Sarah Vaughan, Doris Day, Julie London, etc. There are some soundtracks that I need for this time too… Hairspray, Mamma Mia!, Princess Diaries 2…
If I’m in a “get my praise on” mood, I absolutely MUST have Brooklyn Tabernacle Choir…nothing gets me into a praise time faster that havin’ church with the BTC. I mean, when you have them singing “How Great Thou Art”, or “Days of Elijah”, or “I Bowed On My Knees and Cried Holy” or “Thou, O Lord”, it’s almost impossible to not have church. I also need CeCe, Travis Cottrell and the Living Proof team, and my home church, Fairview Baptist Tabernacle, has recorded 2 cds that are amazing! Partly because I know everyone on there, and also because they really rock!
If I’m in a “need to ponder the great things of life” mood, I like to have Fernando Ortega, Chris Rice, Norah Jones, Josh Groban…and, believe it or not I have some soundtracks for this mood as well! ;) Love the Notebook because it bounces back and forth between slow and jazzy and happy and swinging…good for the constantly changing moods that come when you ponder the great things of life.
If I’m in a “want to feel like a kid in church again” mood, there is only one kind of music that will do. Hymns…I LOVE hymns! I think I probably have more hymn compilation cds than any other type of music. I have instrumental hymns, I have classic hymns, I have modern hymns, and a host of countless other varieties…I’m not sure if I could pick my favorite style…there are some times when only the good old classic style will do. And not just the typical hymns either. You know the ones I’m talking about…Amazing Grace, How Great Thou Art, Just As I Am, Tis So Sweet to Trust in Jesus, Sweet Hour of Prayer, and the list goes on. No, my favorites are ones that most people haven’t heard of, or if they have they are typically a little older than me! ;) Hymns like Day by Day(Not the one from Godspell), Wonderful, the Matchless Grace of Jesus, Breathe On Me, Be Still My Soul, He Keeps Me Singing, Heavenly Sunlight, Heaven Came Down, Lead Me to Calvary, and I seriously could go on and on…there are soo many songs that have changed my life in different ways. Songs that when I hear them, I am instantly transported to a specific time and place or a person comes to mind because it could have been their favorite hymn. There are some songs that I smile soo big when I sing them because I remember singing them with my sister or family…while we would never mock the hymn or the powerful words that we’re singing about, we would sing it in a certain style or change up the rhythm or something…just for fun, and it was all because we loved the song. For instance, whenever I sing He Keeps Me Singing, and my sister isn’t there, I have to keep myself from adding the words “in my heart” after “Fills my every longing” or saying Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, really fast instead of the way it’s written. And just now, I think I know where we got that…my Great Grandfather on my Mom’s side was a Nazarene Preacher and he also sang. My whole family grew up singing and I’m pretty sure I can remember at some family gathering, we started a family hymn sing…someone must have changed up the chorus of He Keeps Me Singing. It’s fun and when you think about the words you’re singing…There’s within my heart a melody, Jesus whispers sweet and low, Fear not I am with thee, Keeps me singing as I go…it totally fits to have a great big smile on your face as you sing it!
A lot of the time people associate hymns with old school, old church, behind the times and the elderly…and it really ticks me off! I mean, seriously, why in the world do we feel the need to try and hide the fact that we like hymns? Or that we even enjoy singing them? When I say that I love hymns I tend to get a look like, really? Eww, I mean, they are soo old or boring…but the truth of the matter is, most people today don’t want to think when they sing…I’ve heard some people say that they don’t understand half the words used in the old hymns, like in A Mighty Fortress when it says a Bulwark never failing…who knows what a Bulwark is? No one? Okay then, let’s not sing it. *sigh* I did not intend for this to turn out into this sort of post, but I just get really upset when people try to belittle the hymns and all the great melodies and words that are in them. To me it’s a sign of disrespect and judgmental to act like your music is better and holier than the old hymns. Now, hear me…I’m not saying that everyone is this way, or that everyone has to love hymns. But I do think that it shouldn’t be something that turns your nose up or makes you shut down when you hear it start up. Nor do I think it should be any different for those who don’t like the modern day hymns or the praise and worship that is in a lot of churches today. I just think that a lot of importance is misplaced and I wish it wasn’t so. If there is something I can do to keep the future generations from forgetting about the hymns then I will do it…I will play the baby hymn cd in the nursery of my child, I will buy the VeggieTales and let my kids learn the hymns through Bob and Larry singing to them in the car and I will teach my kids how to learn to read musical parts from the good old hymnal.
Sometimes music becomes something that distracts us. Sometimes it becomes something that will uplift us. Sometimes music becomes the avenue in which God speaks to us. Sometimes He will use a song that we have heard all of our life and this time, we will hear something that we have never heard before and it will totally change our life. Music can play such a big role in our life. It’s up to us if we let it be a positive one or a negative one.
Thursday, March 12, 2009
"Maturity"...
I always get the most inspiration and drive to write a blog late at night...what is that about?!
I mean seriously, there are sooo many hours during the day when I could be doing this but I don't. Yes, I have been a night owl for the whole of my 28yrs on this planet. I can't really help it though...it's inherited. Honest!
My mom and her sister, well actually almost all the women on my mother's side of the family are night owls. Now that's not to say that we don't like our time all comfy and cozy in the bed...we do...we just like to be after midnight.
I love having days where I don't have to get up. Not having to be anywhere by such and such time. A day where I don't have to set the alarm or worry about hitting the ground running...though that only happens because I tend to sleep a little longer than I should on days that I DO have to be somewhere at a certain time. Namely work!
I have started to notice a change in behaviour in the last few years though...and it saddens me and makes me feel old!
A couple of years ago, I had to get up on a day sleep-in day to go to the bathroom! My BLADDER woke me up and I had to get up!! Now, this may not seem like a big deal to anyone else but I have always considered having your bladder wake you up in the morning as a sign of your *cough* "maturity" *cough* and I did not, and still don't, really consider myself that "mature"...well you know what I mean...I just can't say it plain and remain in the good graces of all of my more "mature" friends!
So that was one example...another is something that just came to me lately...I can't sleep as long as I used to because it hurts my back...I can not believe I just typed that!! Sad day! And it truly
is a sad day because I feel that the days of my sleeping forever and ever are gone...all due to my back! Boo! I used to love staying up late and then sleeping til noon or occasionally later! Loved it!!
But alas, those days are more in my past than in my present and future. I will get over it soon enough, Im sure.
Anyways... here I am typing a blog when I should sooo be sleeping! I have to get up in 5 and half hours to be at work at 6:45 and its 11:55!! As I have now just spent a crazy amount of time writing about something completely different than what I originally intended to, I am going to sign off for now and try to come back tomorrow and post what I wanted to tonight. Don't worry, I haven't hit the "maturity" level of not being able to remember what I was going to say...well, most of the time, but this is something that Ive been meaning to write for a while and just have not had the time to sit and do.
Tomorrow that time should come!
G'night all! Or G'morning depending on how you look at it!! Lol!
I mean seriously, there are sooo many hours during the day when I could be doing this but I don't. Yes, I have been a night owl for the whole of my 28yrs on this planet. I can't really help it though...it's inherited. Honest!
My mom and her sister, well actually almost all the women on my mother's side of the family are night owls. Now that's not to say that we don't like our time all comfy and cozy in the bed...we do...we just like to be after midnight.
I love having days where I don't have to get up. Not having to be anywhere by such and such time. A day where I don't have to set the alarm or worry about hitting the ground running...though that only happens because I tend to sleep a little longer than I should on days that I DO have to be somewhere at a certain time. Namely work!
I have started to notice a change in behaviour in the last few years though...and it saddens me and makes me feel old!
A couple of years ago, I had to get up on a day sleep-in day to go to the bathroom! My BLADDER woke me up and I had to get up!! Now, this may not seem like a big deal to anyone else but I have always considered having your bladder wake you up in the morning as a sign of your *cough* "maturity" *cough* and I did not, and still don't, really consider myself that "mature"...well you know what I mean...I just can't say it plain and remain in the good graces of all of my more "mature" friends!
So that was one example...another is something that just came to me lately...I can't sleep as long as I used to because it hurts my back...I can not believe I just typed that!! Sad day! And it truly
is a sad day because I feel that the days of my sleeping forever and ever are gone...all due to my back! Boo! I used to love staying up late and then sleeping til noon or occasionally later! Loved it!!
But alas, those days are more in my past than in my present and future. I will get over it soon enough, Im sure.
Anyways... here I am typing a blog when I should sooo be sleeping! I have to get up in 5 and half hours to be at work at 6:45 and its 11:55!! As I have now just spent a crazy amount of time writing about something completely different than what I originally intended to, I am going to sign off for now and try to come back tomorrow and post what I wanted to tonight. Don't worry, I haven't hit the "maturity" level of not being able to remember what I was going to say...well, most of the time, but this is something that Ive been meaning to write for a while and just have not had the time to sit and do.
Tomorrow that time should come!
G'night all! Or G'morning depending on how you look at it!! Lol!
Friday, January 16, 2009
Can a car wreck be a blessing?
I mean, can having a wreck actually make someone’s life better? I don’t know if I’ve ever really stopped and thought about it before. Most people probably don’t think along those lines when it comes to accidents. When people hear the word wreck, it’s never good. Okay, well maybe in a sentence something like, at least you didn’t have a wreck…but more often than not, the word is not equated with good times. However, in the last week and a half, I have been trying to NOT be happy about my wreck. How weird does that sound?!
Let me see if I can explain…
Last Monday, I was in an accident that was not my fault but it totaled my car. I was not buckled (yes, I know), but I was not seriously hurt. I did hit my head on the steering wheel and the air bad did not deploy but all I walked away with was a very mild concussion. That, and a lovely goose egg on my forehead and a wonderful shiner that would make anyone jealous. I haven’t had any make up on since that day and knowing now just how much time it adds to my morning activities I have to ask myself is it worth the loss of sleep? YES! I feel soo weird without it! Other than the new but thankfully, temporary, additions to my face, I have no physical signs of a wreck. So that is the first reason I am happy about my wreck.
A well prepared person always has an emergency plan prepared and it’s even more important when you are a single woman living with a roommate. I have such a plan and now I know it works. Due to my parents and the majority of my family being at least 2.5 hours away from me, I have a very dear friend listed as my emergency contact. Cindy is the best kind of person you want around in a crisis. She gets things taken care of and handled without losing it, but isn’t un-emotional for the person she is there for. After the wreck I called my roomie, Abby, who I had just hung up with, and told her what had happened. She was coming down to go with me to the ER. Once she got there, I had her call Cindy because I was pretty shook up. I just didn’t want to call and freak her out and I knew Abby could call and tell her better than I could. Cindy came to the hospital and stayed with me for a while. She ended up calling the tow company and meeting him at the car. She came and met us at after that and stayed until I was going home. Cindy is the bestest! My emergency plan had worked, so that is another reason I am happy about my wreck.
After I had slept and rested for a couple of days, I started dealing with the issue of my car situation. I had just totaled my still being paid for car. I had just paid a $500 deductible to have my car fixed in December. While I hadn’t ever liked the car, this is not how I had imagined getting rid of it. I was planning on sticking it out to pay it off or at least get to a place where I was not owing more than the car was worth. Now that it was totaled my main focus/concern was how am I going to get another car? I am in no financial place to get another car! I was worried that the insurance wouldn’t give me enough to cover the loan balance left on the car and already trying to decide what I would do when that happened. Should I take a bit of the money and by an old, but reliable, car and work on paying the loan off? Should I take the whole amount and pay as much off as I could and hope that I could get them to refinance it at a lower rate? I just didn’t know. Nothing stresses me out or puts me in a bad mood faster than financial crap. And that is what money is, crap! Anyways…as I was saying. Until I heard from the insurance lady regarding the amount they were going to offer me for the car, I was stressing. The insurance people got me a rental for a few days but I also had 2 vehicles that people had offered to me for as long as I needed. How awesome is that?! I didn’t have to stress about being able to get around. My uncle had offered me his truck because he has a company car and a small driveway, so he was all about getting some space freed up. On Thursday the lady called and told me how much they were going to be offering and that morning I had opened a statement from the bank that showed the balance on the loan. After adding back in the deductible that the other people’s insurance would repay me, the amount would be 1.25 more than the balance. Praise the Lord! I just sat in the lobby at work and tears popped up in my eyes. He knew how stressed I was about that and He took care of it. So that meant that I wouldn’t have to carry over any leftover balance to a new loan or try to figure out what to do about finding a cheap but good car. God proved, yet again, that He will take care of me, that He is in control and that He will never leave or forsake me! And there you have another reason that I am happy about my wreck.
For the last few months I have been feeling like God has been telling me in many different ways that there needed to be some work done in several areas of my life, including my finances. I have a great job that pays really well and I should have more to show for it than some really great pictures of places I have traveled to. Don’t get me wrong! I wouldn’t change any of those trips but making the money I am and having no serious debt, I should be in a completely different place than I am now. I have been told that maybe the reason the Lord hasn’t brought Mr. Right into the picture yet is that He’s not finished with him yet. While that may be true, something I have not wanted to admit, let alone say aloud, is it’s more like the Lord is not finished with ME yet. Having spent the majority of my life dreaming of the day when I would meet the guy that would be my husband, it’s not a easy thing to digest that I could be not getting something that God wants me to get before He points out my intended. I just didn’t want to face that thought because what if it’s true? What am I supposed to “get” that I’m missing?! Having wanted to get married so much, my greatest fear is that I wouldn’t. That God has something else planned for me. And that thought scared me! I mean, what else could there be? To give up and say I’m okay with not getting married felt like I would be cutting off a part of myself.
I feel like I have been in the same spot spiritually and maybe maturity wise, for quite a while. Just treading water. I somewhat latched on to the whole “Be still and wait on the Lord” in an incomplete way. I had the waiting part down but was flying right past the Be Still part. In order to be still, I would have to stop and listen. I would have to quit trying to make something happen. It was like I was waiting on God to do His part without having done mine.
Another thing that has been brought to my attention in the last few weeks is that I am a control freak. I never would have classified myself as a control freak. I have been called bossy and told I think I have to comment or give my opinion on everything, but I still would not have said I was a control freak. Just to be clear, no one actually said I was a control freak. It’s something I realized on my own and I’m not taking it very well. I have always wanted to know what was going to happen. I don’t mean in like books and movies but in making plans or something like that. I like to be prepared. I have said that I have become a schedule person and it kind of freaks me out because I never saw myself as someone who would welcome a schedule but here I am. What I didn’t realize is that my need to know what was going to happen was also spilling over in to my relationship with the Lord. I was not willing to let go and give Him complete control without knowing what was going to happen. I don’t even really think it was because I thought He wouldn’t do the best for me, but that His plan may not match up with what I thought was the best or should happen. I don’t and never have doubted that God was in control and His ways/plans are the best for me, but what if His plan was different? I had planned and dreamed of a future as a Wife and Mother, but what if God wanted me to go be a Missionary? Or not get married? I just couldn’t let that go.
Through the last few weeks and possibly even months, I have just felt God saying you are not in control, I AM. That He was waiting to see if I would continue to just exist…or if I was going to turn it all over to Him and start living the life He has planned for me. I want to…I think I always have, but I didn’t know who I was without that hope/plan for the future. I also guess that I felt somewhat labeled as the girl who wants to get married. Everyone is watching and waiting to see who, when or even if, I will get married. I have so many dear, sweet friends who I know have prayed for me and for my future husband and I want them to all be a part of the day, if or whenever it comes.
Over the last months God has shown me that it’s time to drop my plans and just trust Him. I feel like I am supposed to go back to school to be a nurse, specifically a pediatric nurse. I love kids and I have a way with them and I also like helping people. There are a couple of options out there that really intrigue me and I am excited about that future. I realized that nursing is a job that I can do with a family or as a single woman and support myself financially. It’s going to take a while but that is okay. I know it’s something I want to do and I feel a peace about it.
I think I am finally getting it. I see what the Lord has been trying to say all along. You can continue on the path you are on and be somewhat happy and make it, or you can let go and I will take over and lead you to your perfect place. I started to type dream location, but I stopped because I was like, No, I don’t think want to go to MY dream location. I want to go to where He has picked out for me, known or unknown. It will definitely be better than I can ever imagine or dream up!
And so that is the best reason I am happy about my wreck…I finally get it! Now I just have to remember it!
Let me see if I can explain…
Last Monday, I was in an accident that was not my fault but it totaled my car. I was not buckled (yes, I know), but I was not seriously hurt. I did hit my head on the steering wheel and the air bad did not deploy but all I walked away with was a very mild concussion. That, and a lovely goose egg on my forehead and a wonderful shiner that would make anyone jealous. I haven’t had any make up on since that day and knowing now just how much time it adds to my morning activities I have to ask myself is it worth the loss of sleep? YES! I feel soo weird without it! Other than the new but thankfully, temporary, additions to my face, I have no physical signs of a wreck. So that is the first reason I am happy about my wreck.
A well prepared person always has an emergency plan prepared and it’s even more important when you are a single woman living with a roommate. I have such a plan and now I know it works. Due to my parents and the majority of my family being at least 2.5 hours away from me, I have a very dear friend listed as my emergency contact. Cindy is the best kind of person you want around in a crisis. She gets things taken care of and handled without losing it, but isn’t un-emotional for the person she is there for. After the wreck I called my roomie, Abby, who I had just hung up with, and told her what had happened. She was coming down to go with me to the ER. Once she got there, I had her call Cindy because I was pretty shook up. I just didn’t want to call and freak her out and I knew Abby could call and tell her better than I could. Cindy came to the hospital and stayed with me for a while. She ended up calling the tow company and meeting him at the car. She came and met us at after that and stayed until I was going home. Cindy is the bestest! My emergency plan had worked, so that is another reason I am happy about my wreck.
After I had slept and rested for a couple of days, I started dealing with the issue of my car situation. I had just totaled my still being paid for car. I had just paid a $500 deductible to have my car fixed in December. While I hadn’t ever liked the car, this is not how I had imagined getting rid of it. I was planning on sticking it out to pay it off or at least get to a place where I was not owing more than the car was worth. Now that it was totaled my main focus/concern was how am I going to get another car? I am in no financial place to get another car! I was worried that the insurance wouldn’t give me enough to cover the loan balance left on the car and already trying to decide what I would do when that happened. Should I take a bit of the money and by an old, but reliable, car and work on paying the loan off? Should I take the whole amount and pay as much off as I could and hope that I could get them to refinance it at a lower rate? I just didn’t know. Nothing stresses me out or puts me in a bad mood faster than financial crap. And that is what money is, crap! Anyways…as I was saying. Until I heard from the insurance lady regarding the amount they were going to offer me for the car, I was stressing. The insurance people got me a rental for a few days but I also had 2 vehicles that people had offered to me for as long as I needed. How awesome is that?! I didn’t have to stress about being able to get around. My uncle had offered me his truck because he has a company car and a small driveway, so he was all about getting some space freed up. On Thursday the lady called and told me how much they were going to be offering and that morning I had opened a statement from the bank that showed the balance on the loan. After adding back in the deductible that the other people’s insurance would repay me, the amount would be 1.25 more than the balance. Praise the Lord! I just sat in the lobby at work and tears popped up in my eyes. He knew how stressed I was about that and He took care of it. So that meant that I wouldn’t have to carry over any leftover balance to a new loan or try to figure out what to do about finding a cheap but good car. God proved, yet again, that He will take care of me, that He is in control and that He will never leave or forsake me! And there you have another reason that I am happy about my wreck.
For the last few months I have been feeling like God has been telling me in many different ways that there needed to be some work done in several areas of my life, including my finances. I have a great job that pays really well and I should have more to show for it than some really great pictures of places I have traveled to. Don’t get me wrong! I wouldn’t change any of those trips but making the money I am and having no serious debt, I should be in a completely different place than I am now. I have been told that maybe the reason the Lord hasn’t brought Mr. Right into the picture yet is that He’s not finished with him yet. While that may be true, something I have not wanted to admit, let alone say aloud, is it’s more like the Lord is not finished with ME yet. Having spent the majority of my life dreaming of the day when I would meet the guy that would be my husband, it’s not a easy thing to digest that I could be not getting something that God wants me to get before He points out my intended. I just didn’t want to face that thought because what if it’s true? What am I supposed to “get” that I’m missing?! Having wanted to get married so much, my greatest fear is that I wouldn’t. That God has something else planned for me. And that thought scared me! I mean, what else could there be? To give up and say I’m okay with not getting married felt like I would be cutting off a part of myself.
I feel like I have been in the same spot spiritually and maybe maturity wise, for quite a while. Just treading water. I somewhat latched on to the whole “Be still and wait on the Lord” in an incomplete way. I had the waiting part down but was flying right past the Be Still part. In order to be still, I would have to stop and listen. I would have to quit trying to make something happen. It was like I was waiting on God to do His part without having done mine.
Another thing that has been brought to my attention in the last few weeks is that I am a control freak. I never would have classified myself as a control freak. I have been called bossy and told I think I have to comment or give my opinion on everything, but I still would not have said I was a control freak. Just to be clear, no one actually said I was a control freak. It’s something I realized on my own and I’m not taking it very well. I have always wanted to know what was going to happen. I don’t mean in like books and movies but in making plans or something like that. I like to be prepared. I have said that I have become a schedule person and it kind of freaks me out because I never saw myself as someone who would welcome a schedule but here I am. What I didn’t realize is that my need to know what was going to happen was also spilling over in to my relationship with the Lord. I was not willing to let go and give Him complete control without knowing what was going to happen. I don’t even really think it was because I thought He wouldn’t do the best for me, but that His plan may not match up with what I thought was the best or should happen. I don’t and never have doubted that God was in control and His ways/plans are the best for me, but what if His plan was different? I had planned and dreamed of a future as a Wife and Mother, but what if God wanted me to go be a Missionary? Or not get married? I just couldn’t let that go.
Through the last few weeks and possibly even months, I have just felt God saying you are not in control, I AM. That He was waiting to see if I would continue to just exist…or if I was going to turn it all over to Him and start living the life He has planned for me. I want to…I think I always have, but I didn’t know who I was without that hope/plan for the future. I also guess that I felt somewhat labeled as the girl who wants to get married. Everyone is watching and waiting to see who, when or even if, I will get married. I have so many dear, sweet friends who I know have prayed for me and for my future husband and I want them to all be a part of the day, if or whenever it comes.
Over the last months God has shown me that it’s time to drop my plans and just trust Him. I feel like I am supposed to go back to school to be a nurse, specifically a pediatric nurse. I love kids and I have a way with them and I also like helping people. There are a couple of options out there that really intrigue me and I am excited about that future. I realized that nursing is a job that I can do with a family or as a single woman and support myself financially. It’s going to take a while but that is okay. I know it’s something I want to do and I feel a peace about it.
I think I am finally getting it. I see what the Lord has been trying to say all along. You can continue on the path you are on and be somewhat happy and make it, or you can let go and I will take over and lead you to your perfect place. I started to type dream location, but I stopped because I was like, No, I don’t think want to go to MY dream location. I want to go to where He has picked out for me, known or unknown. It will definitely be better than I can ever imagine or dream up!
And so that is the best reason I am happy about my wreck…I finally get it! Now I just have to remember it!
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