Monday, August 27, 2007

So blessed!!

Today has been a day where God has TOTALLY reminded me of how great He is. I slept in, like I have been doing for the past couple of months, but I was up by like 11:00 or so. I spent the majority of the day cleaning my room. Going through clothes and deciding what to keep and what needs to be tossed and what should be sent to the goodwill. This evening there was scheduled to be a instrumental concert at my church. I still get the emails from the choir even though I haven't been in the church since Christmas. (That doesn't mean that I haven't been to church since then, just not my church.) In one of the last emails, Dennis mentioned that there was going to be a special concert to celebrate 20yrs of the orchestra ministry at the church, as well as the organist's 15th year as the church organist. I love the organist at my church and I knew that she could play beautifully, same for the orchestra, so I put it in my phone's calendar. I really wanted to go. SO I made myself go and have never been more glad that I made myself do something. It was awesome. Soo beautiful! It felt so great to be there, in that beautiful building, listening to all the beautiful music being sung and played by some of God's greatest musicians! I just sat there with tears in my eyes. It was like God was showing me what I have been missing. I know that I should be apart of the choir, as well as the church. But the choir has always meant a lot to me. The music minister at church does the most awesome job of blending all the different styles of music and making the most wonderful worship service. He mixes hymns and praise choruses better than anyone I have ever seen. And he is such a man of God. He gets so emotional because of the music and most of the time, the words of a song, that he can't even sing himself. I love the fact that the leader still is worshiping through the service. He isn't just concentrating on what part of the service we are at, but what we are singing and Who we are singing it for.
One of the reasons I dropped out of choir and ultimately, church, was I was just feeling soo alone. In a church that has more people there on a Sunday morning than my hometown, it's hard to believe that you could feel lonely, but I did. When I started going there, I was involved in a women's bible study at another church with some friends of mine. They were my small group, my accountability group. But because of church issues and childcare issues, they had to move the day of the study and it was moved to a day that I couldn't attend. I had been in the same group of ladies for over 2 yrs. I was closer to God than I had ever been in my whole life. While I understood why it had to be changed, I was very upset. It really shook me. I wasn't that happy at my job, I was going to church by myself and now my bible study, my core group, was being taken away from me. It really sent me into a state of depression. I mean, for over 2yrs, every Thursday, I would meet my friends, we would study God's word and then spend time fellowshiping at lunch, and now it was gone. That was the hardest things I have ever had to go through. I am not sure I have even fully recovered. Because after that I started just going to choir and then leaving. Not staying for service. Then it was I would only go if the song was one of my favorites. Then it was just to go for the special choir concert. Then I started to feel guilty because I was going to church for completely the wrong reason. So would just sleep. I slept a lot through that time. I got involved in some thing I never would have dreamed I would be involved in. Although I am no longer a part of it, it still has taken some time to get over. While I was doing nothing illegal, it was still something I had been raised no to do and yet I was. So while I was down in the pit, I made a job change. One of the best decisions I have ever made. While I miss my kids, I know that I am better off at the bookstore. I love being back there. I love helping the customers. I love getting to know them, as they come in regularly. I love starting my day out with prayer and devotion with my fellow associates. I love having deep, theological discussions with them. I love it. God knew that I needed to be back there and I am soo glad that I actually listened and followed Him. While I am no where near where I was before, I am pulling out of what ever it was I was in. I am excited about going back to church! I am excited about singing in the choir! I am looking forward to meeting new people in the choir. I am hoping to get involved in Sunday school again. I am just glad to be feeling happy about it again.
God is so great! He just amazes me constantly! Oh if only I would pay more attention!!

1 comment:

Kate said...

I've had similar experiences, and certainly know what it is to feel alone in a large church. I know quite a few people in my church, but there is never real fellowship. People are in and out of the lives of others like vapors. I suppose the Lord takes us through those times to show us who He is and to get us to place Him back into our lives. When I left my first church I became involved in a church that would provide a more "family" atmosphere and was unaware that I was being sucked into a cult. When I was "disfellowshiped," I was out of church for four years. It was in that sort of outcast experience that I realized God had me all along and was my all-in-all even when I was alone. I'm back in a large church (have been for about 8 didn't start out big), and I still see the same thing I see in most large churches...people without relationship, but God is more important to me than fulfilling my social need (even though I still try for relationship with others). I really don't know why I stay, I just know that I listen to God now and not others or even my feelings. It's a hard lesson, but the outcome is incredible.

I'm glad things are working for you.

many blessings,