Trying something new...

So this past week I kinda had a melt down. My dad and I are alot closer than my mom and me. I talk to my dad at least once a day if not more. And its not just me calling him. Half the time I call him its because I am returning one of his calls. My dad is all the time telling me to call my mother. Call your mother he says. Well, this past week he told me to call her and I snapped. I told him she never calls me, never. He says, I call him all the time and I just reminded him that he calls me just as much. He says that she doesn't call because she doesn't want to bother me. That she thinks I don't like her. That ticked me off even more. Lately I have been feeling like the depth of my love for my family is determined by how often I call or go home. How crazy is that?! I mean if I wanted to be childish and petty I could say the same thing. They never come and see me here in Nashville. I have lived here for 5 years and I could probably count on one hand how many times they have been over here. My grandparents have been here almost as many times as they have. But I haven't, up until now, said anything about that. When dad said that I lost it. I have repeatedly told my family and friends to call me anytime they want and if for some reason and I can't talk, I will call them back as soon as I can. Nanny calls me, friends call me, and cousins call me. Mom never does. So after I tell Dad all this, I called my best friend, who is a couple of years older than my parents, and tell her about my conversation with my dad. She then jumps on me. Goes off because she can agree with my mom. She says that MY generation feels like you have to "go and do" when you visit and that my parents, mom in particular, want to just set at the house and just talk. I told her that for me that feels like a bad thing. Growing up whenever we just sat at home, in the living room, we were always having a family meeting. Not to say that we didn't spend time together while I was growing up, but we never just sat in silence. She chastised me for quite some time. My whole lunch hour, in fact. At the end of the conversation she tells me to make a point of calling my mom everyday. She actually wanted me to put in on my calendar to call my mother everyday!! I just laughed. But I have to say that something she said totally stuck with me. So as I was driving back to work, I called mom and just said hey. We talked for like 3 mins but I think it made her feel good. I have since called her several times this week. I have made it a point to call her at least everyother day. Whether I am just saying hey or I have an actual reason, I call. It has been interesting. There have been several moments of awkwardness. But I am feeling better about the whole thing. During the tirade from my bff, I realized that part of the reason I was having such a hard time with all this with my mom, is that I am tired of feeling that I have to be the one to make relationships in my family work. I have to constantly let things slide with my sister in order to keep the peace. We can have a great time together so long as I don't let the conversation turn into a certain direction. I feel like, with my mother, I am the one who has to make her feel okay. I'm the one who has to keep a tight reign on the conversation. Make myself crazy trying to make sure that she feels apart of my life. Going home stresses me out no end. I want to spend time with my friends and family but I have to work out my whole trip, down to the minute. It wears me out.
The main thing I wanted to say was that I have actually felt a little better about the whole thing with my mom. I talked to my friend today and I said that my mom still hasn't called me. She said that she thinks it will come in time. Who knows? One thing I do know, my family is complicated! Always has been and, I am pretty sure, always will be! But I don't know if I would change it if I could. Its the way things have always been. Its oddly comfortable, familiar.
I will stop rambling....and keep trying to make things work with my crazy and trying family!!

Enjoying a glorious day!

This is the view from my porch at the apartment. Its my most favorite time of the year. Almost Fall. The sky is sooo blue. Grass is still green. Leaves are just starting to change. If I wanted to get married out side this would be the time of year that I would pick. I would get married on a clear fall day, close to sunset. I love the sunsets this time of year. So it is such a day that I find myself setting outside. Listening to Doris Day and drinking Sweet tea! I have the whole day off. No Lifeway and no Kroger. I almost don't know what to do with my self. I wish that I was a person who could just window shop. If I was I would be in downtown Franklin strolling through all the cute little shops. But I ALWAYS find something I HAVE to have. Too good of a deal to pass up, whether I have the money or not. So I stay away. I did get up this morning and go have lunch with Joshua. I called Sharon last night and she said it was his Marvelous Me week and so it would be perfect if I could go have lunch with him. Grandma was also there and so Elizabeth and Olivia came and set with us. It was big fun. Joshua to my camera and below are the results.

He asked me to set the timer and so that's how we got the 2 good ones of him. The others were just him being crazy.

The crazy cousins. Elizabeth, Olivia and Joshua. They are are too funny!! I had a great time visiting with them. After I said goodbye to them and Grandma, I went and saw some friends there at the school and my Andrew. He and Sarah were in class but I thought I would catch Andrew at recess or lunch. I wasn't even going to try and see Sarah. She would have gone ballistic. Whenever she sees me she wants to stay with me. So I wanted to save Mrs Brenda from having to deal with a crazy Sarah. But I did catch up with Andrew in his class and got to visit with him and his classmates and teachers. I was glad to see that he seemed to be doing really well. He is soo dear to my heart and it just thrills me to see him thriving in class. With all his problems I am glad to see that it hasn't slowed him down at all. In fact he seems to do better. After I had visited with him, I headed out to the car but I saw Joshua's teacher from a year or two ago and so I had to say hi. While I was visiting with them Andrew came running out on to the playground, screaming my name. Makes me soo happy to have a little child yell for me because they are excited to see me. So I grabbed him up and snapped this picture.

Sorry for the visible green gum. I forget that it shows up soo well. But isn't he just the cutest thing ever?! I love him sooo much!! After spending the day with 2/3 of my kids made me really really miss them. Don't get me wrong, I glad to be at Lifefway. But I miss the kids. and seeing them grow up. Finding out that Sarah peepeed in the potty for the first time yesterday and I wasn't there, really made me sad. How crazy is that?! Today was the kind of day that we would have spent hanging out at Granny White Park. Me setting in the swing. Kids running around. But at least I still can go see them. They are close enough to go and spend time with them.

Okay well, I did have a lot more that I wanted to say but I will save that for later. I have been setting out on the floor of the deck for quite some time and quite frankly, my bum is about die!!So cheerio for now! Ta!

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times....

Well not really the worst of times. But it was one of the saddest times. My roommate got married this past Saturday. It was beautiful wedding. I was a bridesmaid and the shoes were sooo uncomfortable and the dress beautiful yet uncomfortable as well. I caught the bouquet. AGAIN!! I think that it may be like the 4th time!! Seriously, I just can't win! Everyone keeps saying "Oh you are going to be next one married" Well all I have to say about that is, WHATEVER!! I only actually tried to catch it at the wedding because me and her sister and some of her old high school friends decided to treat it like we were fighting for a rebound. And we were all blocking out and we said we were going to jump for it and then the time came and I was the only one to jump so of course I caught the bouquet! But I didn't keep it. Stef's little cousin really wanted it and since the bouquet was exactly the same as the one that I carried in the wedding I let her have it. She was soo jazzed and went and told everyone about it. We had a great time at the wedding. They played alot of great music and the food was great! They also had a karaoke machine so of course we had to sing some songs!!

In all seriousness, it was a day filled with mixed emotions. Running around getting everything done for the day and worrying about all the little details. Plus knowing that it was official. I had lost the best roommate I have ever had!! And that would never happen again!! She had a new roommate. A mister Patrick Tinnel. He is a great match for her. He is kind, sweet, caring and funny!! We always have a great time when ever we hang out. We played so many jokes on each other and were constantly cracking on each other. I am still hoping that we will get together sometime. They both joked and said that I would have a place to stay at their house if the need ever arose. I will miss seeing them. Regularly any way. I hope they are having a great time in Disney world. Stef was soo excited because she had never been there as an adult she said and Patrick had never been at all. Truthfully, he had never flown before either. I was teasing them saying that they made the perfect couple, she throws up on planes and he gets sick really easy.

I can't wait to hear all of the crazy stories that I know they will have when they get back.

Okay, I guess that's all.

Why do things have to change?

Okay so I know WHY things have to change, but why does it all have to come at the same time? I feel like my life has been in a constant state of major change for close to 2yrs. Jobs, Friends, Family, Church, and so many other things. But if things could change just one or maybe two at a time, instead of everything all at once, it wouldn't be so bad. I mean, seriously, what is up with that?? I have 2 roommates and the one who has been with me for the longest is moving out. Well, actually, she moved out last night! Sad day!! A friend of mine from my hometown is moving in. Stef had been my roommate for almost 3yrs. We have been through alot together. Her breakup with her boyfriend of 3yrs, her new job, a new boyfriend that soon turned into a fiance. The death of her grandmother, my sister's wedding, new jobs on my front. We were both nannies together, in fact, that's how we met. At the Chick Fil A, in the play area. She had 2 boys and I had 2 boys. They were all the exact same age and played really well together. They became fast friends and so did we. She is one of my dearest friends and even though I know I will see her, I feel like she is gone. Things will never be the same. And its good. I mean, she is getting married. Starting a new family with her husband to be. I am so happy for her. I know that God brought her into my life for a reason. At the time we met, I was living by myself out in the country. I spent a lot of time alone and I am a huge people person. At the time, I wasn't even looking for a roommate but she was having to find a place pretty quickly and I had an extra room. As a result of us moving in together, I was able to help her through a tough breakup and she was there for support as my sister got married. So needless to say, we're close. I don't have the same relationship with my other roommate or my new one. I don't think that there will ever be a similar situation. I like my two current roommates but there are a few things that make it different. One of them is going to get married in June and so I know that it will only be for a short time. Don't get me wrong, I like her a lot and am glad to have her come in and take over Stef's room. The other one, well, that's a different story. She and I have different ideas on what is supposed to go on in a independent person's life. I mean, I work pretty hard to pay my own way in the world. I hate to have to ask my parents for help. I know they will help me if they could but I don't like to ask them. She, on the other hand, totally lets her parents pay for everything. She doesn't work that much and complains when she does. Making her happy is a very hard thing to do. We are completely opposite in a lot of areas. We can have a good time just doing nothing but sometimes living together is hard. So at the end of the current lease, I am going to be moving out. She is talking about buying a house and maybe having her brother move up here to share it with her. I hope that how ever it ends, we remain friends.

I guess, I am just bummed and that is weighing on me the most right now. There are a couple of other things going on but I will talk more about them later! I'm hungry and its time to go cook some home cooked food.

So blessed!!

Today has been a day where God has TOTALLY reminded me of how great He is. I slept in, like I have been doing for the past couple of months, but I was up by like 11:00 or so. I spent the majority of the day cleaning my room. Going through clothes and deciding what to keep and what needs to be tossed and what should be sent to the goodwill. This evening there was scheduled to be a instrumental concert at my church. I still get the emails from the choir even though I haven't been in the church since Christmas. (That doesn't mean that I haven't been to church since then, just not my church.) In one of the last emails, Dennis mentioned that there was going to be a special concert to celebrate 20yrs of the orchestra ministry at the church, as well as the organist's 15th year as the church organist. I love the organist at my church and I knew that she could play beautifully, same for the orchestra, so I put it in my phone's calendar. I really wanted to go. SO I made myself go and have never been more glad that I made myself do something. It was awesome. Soo beautiful! It felt so great to be there, in that beautiful building, listening to all the beautiful music being sung and played by some of God's greatest musicians! I just sat there with tears in my eyes. It was like God was showing me what I have been missing. I know that I should be apart of the choir, as well as the church. But the choir has always meant a lot to me. The music minister at church does the most awesome job of blending all the different styles of music and making the most wonderful worship service. He mixes hymns and praise choruses better than anyone I have ever seen. And he is such a man of God. He gets so emotional because of the music and most of the time, the words of a song, that he can't even sing himself. I love the fact that the leader still is worshiping through the service. He isn't just concentrating on what part of the service we are at, but what we are singing and Who we are singing it for.
One of the reasons I dropped out of choir and ultimately, church, was I was just feeling soo alone. In a church that has more people there on a Sunday morning than my hometown, it's hard to believe that you could feel lonely, but I did. When I started going there, I was involved in a women's bible study at another church with some friends of mine. They were my small group, my accountability group. But because of church issues and childcare issues, they had to move the day of the study and it was moved to a day that I couldn't attend. I had been in the same group of ladies for over 2 yrs. I was closer to God than I had ever been in my whole life. While I understood why it had to be changed, I was very upset. It really shook me. I wasn't that happy at my job, I was going to church by myself and now my bible study, my core group, was being taken away from me. It really sent me into a state of depression. I mean, for over 2yrs, every Thursday, I would meet my friends, we would study God's word and then spend time fellowshiping at lunch, and now it was gone. That was the hardest things I have ever had to go through. I am not sure I have even fully recovered. Because after that I started just going to choir and then leaving. Not staying for service. Then it was I would only go if the song was one of my favorites. Then it was just to go for the special choir concert. Then I started to feel guilty because I was going to church for completely the wrong reason. So would just sleep. I slept a lot through that time. I got involved in some thing I never would have dreamed I would be involved in. Although I am no longer a part of it, it still has taken some time to get over. While I was doing nothing illegal, it was still something I had been raised no to do and yet I was. So while I was down in the pit, I made a job change. One of the best decisions I have ever made. While I miss my kids, I know that I am better off at the bookstore. I love being back there. I love helping the customers. I love getting to know them, as they come in regularly. I love starting my day out with prayer and devotion with my fellow associates. I love having deep, theological discussions with them. I love it. God knew that I needed to be back there and I am soo glad that I actually listened and followed Him. While I am no where near where I was before, I am pulling out of what ever it was I was in. I am excited about going back to church! I am excited about singing in the choir! I am looking forward to meeting new people in the choir. I am hoping to get involved in Sunday school again. I am just glad to be feeling happy about it again.
God is so great! He just amazes me constantly! Oh if only I would pay more attention!!

A new laptop!!

I guess that I should say that its a new friend because we all know that I am going to spending a lot of time together me and my new Dell. I shall have to think up a name for it. First off, a girl or a guy? Hmmm.....that's a tough one. I guess I will wait and see.
I am soo jazzed to have this thingy!! I have wanted one for the longest time and now its here!! Yay!! I am still having to get used to the keypad on here. Quite different than what I am used to. But I am sure that I will adapt. When Stef moves out, sad day, I won't have to start going to the Library again to check my email. Thats what I did when I lived out in the boondocks. Although sometimes I miss being out there. It was sooo quiet and spacious. And it was just me and Stef. But those were the days of the past. Time to move on.
I am having to force my self off of the computer every night. Now that I can read in bed, I never want to leave it. I keep finding new and even more interesting things to do and see. I am sure that one day it will pass. Who knows though?
I'm going to run. I am starving and have food waiting for me. Yummy rice!!
Bye!
PS if anyone has a good idea for a name please let me know. You may be the winner! Of an imaginary contest of course! ;)

The Week of Craziness!

That is what this week has been. Mike, my manager, has been gone all week. He finally went on a family vacation, which I am glad that he did. He needed to really badly. Everyone needs a break. But I have to say that the saying, When the boss is away everyone will play, is sooo true! Not that I haven't done my fair share of playing this week, because I have. But there is a time when even I know that you have to stop playing and get your job done. I love my job! Honestly, I do! Being back at Lifeway has been the best thing for me at this stage in my life but sometimes the people that I work with are what drive me to frustration! My coworkers here at the store are some of dearest friends. I mean, we hang out with each other outside of work all the time. Last Sunday (I know! Christian Bookstore Employees! Laying out of church!!) a bunch of us and our friends and families, went Six Flags in Ky. It was sooo much fun! We have to go and do things like that on Sun because its the only time we are all off of work and can go together. When we go and do things like that together, it helps bring us together as coworkers and a mini lifeway family. We all feel like that's what we are, a family. I have said, and have heard others say, that once you work here its sooo hard to work any where else. Especially this store. Mike is the best manager in the world. And yet at the same time, he can be the most frustrating!! SO he has been gone and I feel like I had the slowest, most boring week and the fastest, nonstop week all at the same time. There was stuff happening this week that never happens or happens once in a blue moon. One day I actually got to the point of where I hated my name. I mean it! Every time the phone rang or the little beep that you hear when someone is about to be paged went off, I would stop what I was doing and wait to see what I needed to do. Run to the front! Talk to this customer about a Special Order! Answer the phone! It was crazy! It seemed like everything that happened that day I had to be a part of it some way. THAT day went by fast and I left feeling like I didn't get anything done! But anyway, I am at the end of the week now and I have tomorrow off. My cousin Courtney is going to come and stay the night with me. We are going to go downtown Nashville and look at all the shops and stuff. She is so funny. We have really got close in the last couple of years. She is my youngest cousin, ten years younger than me. I don't know why all the sudden what changed but we talk to each other all the time and send each other messages on Facebook and Myspace. We just click these days. So I am excited that she is coming. I have a feeling that the weekend will be better than the week. At least I hope so!

Up Waay to Early...

I am at work and its 5:10 in the morning. Do I normally get here at 5:00? Heck no!! I am here because the corporate office has to shoot a training video and needed someone here to open the store. I live the closest and so here I am! But its not too bad. I am going to try and leave a little early. Andrew and I and possibly Stacia are going to see the new Harry Potter movie. I am sooo excited! Tired and sleepy but excited. I haven't made any coffee yet. Fixing to go do that! I will probably drink a whole pot by myself! Won't that be lovely, me all wired on coffee? By the time Rebecca and the others get here, who knows what I will have been up to in here.

Its been a while...

Life has been moving on by. Fast! Like always. I haven't been myself for the past few months. Well in all actuality for the past year. I have slipped in to the land of people who hardly ever go to church. A place that I never imagined I would be. Having grown up in church, I was always there. Anytime the door was open, I was there. And usually one of the first ones there and the last to leave. I loved it! I loved seeing all my friends, singing and worshipping. But in the last year, things have changed. I had been in a bible study group, with the same group of ladies, for close to 2yrs, if not longer. They had to move the bible study to a different day and because of my job I couldn't go. Well, that sent me down a path of borderline depression. I was closer to God at that point than I had ever been in my life. We had been in constant study and all of the sudden it was gone. I continued to go church on Sundays and Wed nights for choir, but I slowly started retreating from that as well. Somewhere during that time of feeling the loss of the bible study and the change in all of the relationships of the ladies in the group, I had started doing something that I wasn't proud of. Something I never talked about, never thought I would do. I never would say it out loud, because then it would be acknowledging that it was going on. I wasn't doing drugs or anything like that but it was something I knew was wrong. Overtime, without the study and all my girls, the guilt of the secret that I had was enough to drive me into some kind of hole. I wouldn't answer the phone unless absolutely necessary. I would go home and take a nap, but it wouldn't be just a nap. I would go to sleep at 4:00 in the afternoon and sleep til the next morning and never wake up. I was either at work or asleep. I would turn down opportunities to go spend time with friends and slowly found my self out of church, lonely and depressed. But the thing is I would go to church if I was at home or if there was something big going on in the life of a friend. I went to see a friend of mine get baptized. I don't know how I ended up in that place but finally one day I realized that the guilt of what I was doing and not going to church was pushing me further down. I was at a point of either moving forward and getting back into church or just not. Not trying to get back into church, not moving on. God blessed me with a friend who could see that I needed to talk and so she asked for us to go out and eat. The thing is, I have tons of friends that I could have talked to but I knew what most of the would say. But for some reason, when my friend said that she wanted to meet and chat, I was ready to talk. She was great and listened to all that had been going on. For the first time in my life, I actually understood the saying, it was like a physical weight being lifted. When I told her and explained all that had been going on, I literally felt better. I went home that night and took the steps to end what I had been doing. Made a promise to myself that I would try to get back into church or find a bible study. Since that time things have been better. I haven't been to church on Sunday still, but I have been watching the services on the web and have been with my parents. I feel better. I feel free. I still have my hard times but its soo much better. I am on the road to getting back to where I was before and hopefully will even pass that. Its been such a blessing to work at the store because, being there, surrounded by other Christians, helping the customers, has been one of the best things I could have ever done. I need the relationships that I have here at work. I love the fact that we start the day out in devotion, that we pray together. How we talk about things going on in our lives and how God is moving. Its the job that I needed so badly at this time in my life. God has been there with me through all of this and I knew it. I could feel Him there with me as I would just lie in bed, awake and wondering about the things going on in my life. I was still talking to Him but missed the time of learning about Him and His word. One of the times that I went to church with my parents, the choir sang one of my favorite songs. He's Been Faithful, by Brooklyn Tabernacle. The song has new meaning and dearness to my heart now. After all that I had gone through in the last year, God WAS faithful! He was there for me, waiting on me to come to Him.
I'm not where I was before but I am no longer headed in the wrong direction and I thank God for his faithfulness!!

The Newest Murdock

Today, I got to see my new little cousin. He was born yesterday at high noon!! His name is Robert Ridge Murdock. They are going to call him Ridge. Its a family name. He is sooo cute and tiny. He was only 7lbs and 20in long. He looks just like Banks and Sally, his brother and sister. They are so excited to finally get to see him. When Sally walked in to the room at the hospital last night, all she could say was, Where is MY baby? Too Cute!!

Frustrating, yet Fun!!

First off, this isn't me. Its my dear friend Andrew. The reason his picture is on here, is that he is expressing my frustration with trying this blogger again! Read below for a better explanation!

I have to say that this is like, the 3rd time that I have "tried" to set up this blog!! Okay, I would like to say that I don't consider my self to computer challenged, but why I can't get this thing set up, I will never know. I have sucessfully established and maintained a MySpace and a Livejournal!! But I will persevere!! Never Give UP, Never Surrender!! * think thats a line from Galaxy Quest, not sure though* ANyways.... I'm going to give it a go, YET again!

Thanks for reading!!

Nikki